​Many of us feel stressed or stressed out by certain aspects of our lives.  While this is often focussed on a particular thing we have to do or think about, it can be helpful to look at these stressors within a wider context.
 
Ebb and Flow of Stress
We all have an ideal state of equilibrium when we function at our best.  It is natural for events in our lives to impact on us in ways that change our level of stress.  These periods when we are under additional pressure to perform need to be followed by quieter times so that we can recharge our batteries.
 
Motivation and Control
Stress can be a motivator and with the physiological changes that often accompany it can enable us to achieve more than we normally could.   These changes might include extra adrenaline to speed up our metabolism, an increased heart-rate providing additional oxygen, and a redirected blood flow that favours our muscles and our brain. 
 
When we are able to control the situation we can maintain our focus and achieve much more than usual.  When we are being forced to act, we may feel out of control and can easily become overwhelmed.
 
External and Internal Stressors
External stressors come in the form of unexpected outside events that we need to respond to or the sudden requests and demands of others that we will struggle to fulfil.
 
Our internal stressors are the many shoulds and shouldn’ts that we allow to exert their influence upon us.  These are messages that we have taken on board without necessarily challenging their usefulness or validity. 
 
Whatever the source, we feel we are being forced to take action against our will or possibly beyond our ability.
 
Underlying Stress
Following any period of additional stress we would expect to return to our normal level so that we can prepare ourselves for the next spike.   When we experience stress continuously for a period of time it is easy for this to become our new normal.   We may even stop noticing the impact that it is having on us as we adjust to this new way of being. 
 
When we are living with a high level of underlying stress anything new that comes along can cause us to crank it up yet another notch which can easily push us over the edge.
 
Long term financial or health worries are common causes of underlying stress.  They can be increased by sudden extra financial demands or additional health issues or relapses.   If we are operating from our normal level of stress we would be able to absorb these new pressures more easily.
 
Long-Term Effects of Stress
The long term effects can be both psychological and physical.  Ultimately we risk burnout, which can mean a total collapse of our physical or emotional health.  There are likely to be a number of warning signs along the way.
 
Levels of anxiety may continue to rise until we become overwhelmed.  This can produce spontaneous panic attacks or some form of meltdown such as episodes of uncontrollable rage or tearfulness.  Anxiety is also linked with depression which may be compounded by feelings of helplessness.
 
The physical impact of maintaining a constant level of readiness can range from high blood pressure and heart rate to disturbed sleeping patterns.  The endocrine system controls all of the hormones in the body so any imbalance can have far reaching effects particularly on our skin, our weight and our energy levels.  Our immune system may also suffer leaving us vulnerable to frequent minor infections, such as coughs and colds, and possibly more serious illnesses.
 
Another consequence can be a reliance on alcohol or other substances or behaviours to provide what might seem like a necessary distraction.
 
Managing Stress
Stress is not the problem so much as how we choose to manage it.  While we cannot control every aspect of our lives, we do have some control over how we respond to changes.   By learning what is our optimum level we can try to keep within it.  Being aware of how stressed we are means we can monitor its effect upon us and in particular we can look for the warning signs.
 
We can try to break up stressful periods by making sure we have some down time.  Ironically an actual holiday can be a source of additional stress, but time spent away in familiar surroundings can give us time to recharge our batteries.  Quiet pursuits such as meditation, yoga or gardening can be useful as is physical exercise unless it brings further stress through being overly competitive.
 
When faced with additional stressors it may be helpful to think about the immediate and the long-term impact.  Consider also if there is any way you can exert some control over the situation so that you do not feel so powerless.  In this way you may be able to turn down the volume to reduce the impact so that you can return more easily to your natural level.
 
Where the stress is internal, it can be helpful to reflect upon the origin of some of these shoulds and shouldn’ts and consider whether they really are as absolute as they might first appear.  An experienced counsellor will be able to help you work through these as well as support you in managing the day to day impact of having too much stress in your life.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

​Fear is a response to a real or imagined threat of danger, pain or harm to ourselves or those we care about.    Feeling fear can create jittery feelings in our stomach and an increased heart-rate, shallow breathing and the light-headedness that comes with it.   While the physical experience can be similar the reasons behind the feelings will be different for each of us.
 
Responding to Fear
When the threat is immediate we have a natural instinct to either run away or turn and face the problem, known as the flight or fight mechanism.  Adrenaline starts to pump through our veins setting off a range of physiological changes that will help us respond in the most effective way.   There is a third response and that is to freeze and people in these situations often talk of being rooted to the spot and unable to move.
 
However, if there is no need for an immediate response then these automatic physical preparations have no release.  Instead our muscles might shake, we become flushed from the excess blood coursing through our veins, and feel so lightheaded that we might faint. Many people experience this when asked to make a speech or sit an exam.  Others seek out these feelings by watching scary films or engaging in extreme sports.
 
When the Threat is Real
Many people live under threat of harm from others.  The obvious example would be those living in a war zone, but there are many people much closer to home whose daily lives are blighted by fear.  Violence, or the threat of violence, exists in many households and has a profound effect on those who are forced to live with it.  It changes the way we see the world, which becomes an endless minefield we must carefully work our way through. Many of us will develop a range of new behaviours that are less likely to provoke a reaction and minimise the impact when we are caught.
 
When the Threat is Less Real
We can sometimes believe a threat exists even when there is little actual evidence.  This could be because we are persuaded by others that we are vulnerable or perhaps because we have experienced it in the past and imagine that it could happen again.  We see the world as a hostile place and become preoccupied with navigating the dangers and being ready to respond should we need to.
 
Long term Exposure to Fear
Experiencing such fears over a period of time may mean the original symptoms may seem  to fade as we acclimatize to this new way of being.  People living under constant threat find ways to limit their emotions to reduce their vulnerability.
 
Fear becomes anxiety which can emerge in many different ways such as panic attacks, when we are emotionally overwhelmed, or phobias that can become the prime focus for our fears.  We can also experience a general feeling of being fearful that does not seem to be attached to any particular cause or situation.  This makes us watchful and wary as if surrounded by something that might attack any time.
 
So much of our energies are committed to managing these feelings that there may be little time for anything, or anybody, else and can mean we separate ourselves from others.  This detachment can create a sense of isolation and emotional numbness that, for some people, can only be overcome by hurting themselves.  This hypervigilance may also lead to a range of controlling behaviours such as compulsions or eating disorders.
 
The physical impact of always being ready to fight or run can lead to a range of stress related symptoms and ailments.  It can affect our immune system’s ability to fight infections, leaving us open to frequent bouts of common illnesses like colds and flu or more serious diseases.
 
Overcoming our Fears
Just as these situations evolve over time, it may be that we work on gradually reducing our sense of fear.    It might be helpful to explore the components that make up our particular set of fears and to try to identify their origins.  Where those threats still exist we can look at alternative ways of managing or containing them.  If they are rooted in the past it may be possible to sever the links so that they no longer have the power to affect the way we feel.
 
It may also be necessary to unlearn any particular behaviour or other coping mechanisms that may have kept us safe before but which now prevent us from fully enjoying our lives. Learning how to focus on our present situation can often help us differentiate between then and now, allowing us to shrug off our negative feelings from the past.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

​Use of the term OCD has become commonplace with people typically using these letters to refer in a light-hearted way to an over-attention to detail.   However ritualistic behaviour can be so much more than simple quirks or minor compulsions and can seriously limit our ability to experience life to the full.
 
The Importance of Rituals
Necessary rituals are focussed on things we feel we must do as well as things we must avoid.  Many professionals use checklists to ensure everything is in place before they begin.  Pilots carry out pre-flight checks and before surgical operations each of the specialist staff will have worked through their own checklist to make sure they are able to carry out their roles.  These preparations are about safety and effectiveness and help people adopt the correct mindset for the task.
 
Many people involved in sports or entertainment add additional rituals to their preparations.  While these may have their roots in religious or superstitious beliefs, it also promotes a mindset that gets them in the zone where they perform at their best.
 
Most of us take part in religious rituals even if our faith is not particularly strong.  Marking births, marriages and deaths with dedicated ceremonies reminds us of the cyclical nature of our lives and reinforces the power of community by creating opportunities for people to share and support each other in their joy and sorrow.
 
Types of Ritualistic Behaviour
Many of us have developed our own personal rituals that feel very natural, though they might seem strange to others.  We may even be unaware of certain behaviours that are necessary to us and that we might struggle to do without
 
The more familiar types of ritualistic behaviour are based on issues around cleaning ourselves or our surroundings, checking locks and doors and that switches are off, or creating symmetry so that items in the environment are all carefully aligned.
 
Most of us are affected by these to a degree, but for some people failing to achieve the necessary level of cleanliness, security or symmetry can lead to overwhelming emotions which can have a significant impact on their ability to function.
 
Warding Off Catastrophe
Routine checks are designed to keep us safe. They also give us a sense of being in control and not totally subject to external forces.  For those with more complicated daily routines, fear may lie at the heart of their rituals with anxiety also having a role to play.
 
Experiencing trauma can create a sense of fear or anxiety that some people find difficult to overcome.  This could be a single event, often described as a catastrophe, or a period of time when we did not feel safe.
 
A catastrophe comes out of the blue and rocks our world to its foundations.  It can leave us feeling vulnerable and not knowing what we can do to prevent it happening again.  Being under threat for a period of time can create in us a constant state of vigilance. 
 
One response to both of these scenarios is to create a story around a set of actions that if followed strictly will help to keep us safe.  This can establish a sense of order in a world we might experience as being out of our control.
 
Fire drills and safety checks have a clear link to the risks that we face.  Repetitious handwashing or repeatedly checking doors and windows may have a less direct link as the perceived threat is more ambiguous, but the effect is the same as it gives some sense of security and helps to keep the fears at bay.
 
When Supports Become Millstones
Many of us have going to work rituals that help us get into the right frame of mind.  Others believe particular items of clothing bring them luck and getting ready for a night out can become an enjoyable part of the whole experience.
 
Everything changes when the preparations start to become more important than the event. When the gap between the ritual and any practical benefit starts to widen, there is a risk of the positive value turning negative.  The first time you wash your hands or check the locks can be justified but every time after that brings no additional practical value.
 
Focusing on a repetitive action can be a helpful distraction from our fears and anxieties.  When the ritual is so complex that failing to complete, which may happen often, requires a return to the start can mean you do not leave the house.  Indeed it can become a way of ensuring that you do not have to leave the house.
 
When a ritual is a springboard for further actions then it continues to be useful.  When it becomes an action in itself or holds us back from any further actions, the balance is starting to shift.  We might start to question whether the emotional benefits we get justify the impact on our everyday lives and possibly on those around us.
 
Managing Ritualistic Behaviour
These behaviours have a role and we need to think carefully before we do away with them. It may be helpful to look at managing them more effectively, while also considering their origins and the underlying feelings that gave rise to them.
 
Recognising their value in bringing peace of mind and considering the extent of any problem they pose allows us to appreciate the trade-off.  Minimally invasive rituals that help us manage our trauma may seem like a reasonable exchange.  This may be particularly true when the experiences are recent and feelings are still very raw.
 
Where our lives are adversely affected, there may be an advantage in looking for alternative and less intrusive means to achieve the same goals.  Reducing the frequency of the behaviours will naturally reduce their impact.
 
The way we are is very often a direct response to what has happened to us.  Our experience is unique and complex, and so is our response.  Through unpicking our experiences it may be possible to identify the origins of our behaviours and begin to gently explore the underlying fear.  Appreciating and understanding our emotions can reduce their disruptive power and as the fear recedes there is less need to manage it.
 
A skilled therapist can help us to manage the impact of ritualistic behaviours and support us as we explore the events in our lives that have led to us developing these complex defences against painful feelings.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding
 

​To many of us shame might seem to be a very specific emotion that only results from certain embarrassing events which we are easily able to put behind us.  However, feelings of shame can be much more elusive and have a significant impact on every aspect of our lives.
 
Childhood Shame
For some of us childhood can seem like an endless series of hurdles to overcome.  At home, particularly if there are other children, we work hard to get the love, attention and approval of the adults around us. We try out different behaviours to find out what works well and what does not and use their responses to decide who we are and how we need to be.
 
At school we are encouraged to compete against each other.  Both formally in exams and regular assessments, and informally in the playground hoping to be picked by class mates to play on their team.  Our position in the class, our performance in sports, whether we are a sheep or a shepherd in the nativity play, combine to give us a sense of how we are valued by others and therefore how we should value ourselves.
 
We may be told we have disappointed others perhaps by failing to achieve what they expected, however unrealistic that might have been.  We might also judge ourselves as harshly when we fail to make those around us happy, or are unable to keep our parents from arguing or splitting up.
 
Some children seem able to shrug off these feelings, particularly if there is enough positive feedback to counteract it.  Others develop a sense of personal shame that may stay with them forever.
 
Shameful Acts or Omissions
Shame is often connected to an expectation of what will happen.  Whenever we use the word 'should', there is a potential source of shame.
 
When expectations fail to materialise we can feel solely responsible and can be encouraged by others to blame ourselves.  As these experiences accumulate self-blame becomes shame as we start to believe that we are unable to achieve what others can.  This might include educational opportunities missed through failed exams or chances not taken through a lack of courage or confidence.  
 
Most of us have done things we regret.  This might involve hurting others by our actions or through neglect.  Being ashamed of what we have done or left undone might pass if we are able to recognise the reasons for what occurred.  If we believe we are solely to blame because of our personal failings we may develop a sense of shame that becomes an integral part of who we think we are.  
 
Secret Shame
Shame is generally a very private emotion.  The last thing we would want is to draw attention to shameful aspects of ourselves by telling others how we feel, so we develop a catalogue of protective behaviours to avoid others finding out.
 
Our inability to meet cultural and societal standards we are told to aspire to can create a lot of negative feelings.  When we accept the blame for this, rather than challenging the reality of these supposed standards, our repeated failures can turn to shame.  An obvious source of shame is the belief that we have the wrong body shape or skin tone and, most importantly, that this is in some way our fault. 
 
Many people, particularly youngsters, feel shame following the bullying or abusive actions of others as they are persuaded of their guilt for what occurred.  Feelings of shame can also result from unintentional actions.  Teachers may fail to identify and respond to difficulties we are experiencing with learning.  Rather than recognise this as a failure of the education system, many of us see it as a failure in ourselves.
 
Impact of Shame
Specific negative experiences can feed into a more generalised sense of shame about the way we appear in the world.  Over time these feelings can become a belief if they are repeated often enough.  To be told that something we have done is unforgivable can create a lifelong view of our position in the world, based on the actions of a moment.
 
Holding a negative perception of ourselves which we believe others would share if they knew can cause us always to hold back so that we do not get noticed.
 
For many of us shame leads us to feel we do not deserve happiness, success or recognition.  When we do achieve any of these, we put it down to chance and feel certain it will not last or that it is a mistake that will soon be discovered.
 
This sense of not deserving can mean we deny our ambitions and accept only what others might choose to give to us.   It is better to live in the shadow of others than have a light shining on us.   Many people fear being discovered for who they really are and regard any positive recognition as temporary at best.
 
Believing that we do not deserve any of the good things in life can quickly lead to a very private form of despair which for some people is too much to bear.
 
Unravelling our Shame
Reducing the impact of shame involves understanding the source of our existing beliefs about ourselves and changing the pattern of our thinking so we no longer find reasons to confirm them.
 
We can begin to appreciate the impact of shame on our life as we unpick our negative feelings across a range of different areas to explore their roots.  You may be surprised how much shame you are carrying and how much of it has been dumped on you by others.  Some people are quick to express their disappointment with their lives and to shift the blame for this on to others rather than examine themselves.
 
Doing your best on the day is not enough for someone who believes they could always do better.  Are these our expectations or have they been put on to us by others?  Separating our ambitions from those of other people, particularly our parents, can release us from a treadmill that will never lead to happiness.
 
There can be a number of reasons why we fail to achieve what was expected.  Bringing to light our actual contribution to an outcome and considering how much is down to the situation, the circumstances or the actions of others can help us separate out what we are really responsible for.  Appreciating the reasonableness of any expectations and acknowledging what is our fault and what is not can help to create a different viewpoint.
 
Seeing every situation as having a unique set of circumstances can also bring about a shift in our perspective.   Perhaps then we can recognise that making mistakes does not make us bad and we can feel regret and sorrow without it becoming shame. 
 
A counsellor can be a helpful support as we change the pattern of our thinking and learn to apply a different mindset when considering our own actions and the actions of others.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

​While everyone feels angry at various times, there are some people who seem to become angry more easily and more often than others.   For these people many aspects of their daily lives seem to cause angry feelings which can be difficult for them, and those around them, to deal with.  They seem able to access angry feelings more easily, as if they are nearer to the surface and always ready to burst through.  This may be because they are living with unresolved feelings of anger that they have been holding on to for a long time.
 
Proportionate Responses
Anger is a necessary and natural response to the frustrations and difficulties of our daily lives.  Sometimes we are thwarted by the actions of others or by changes in circumstances that are out of our control.   We express this anger through words and gestures so that other people know how we feel.
 
A healthy emotional response remains connected to the initial stimulus and once expressed begins to fade away.  This would be regarded as a proportionate response to a situation. Feelings of anger that persist long after the experience has passed, and are expressed in a particularly aggressive or violent way, suggest a more complex emotional response to the situation.
 
Anger and Rage
When something happens that makes us angry it can be healthy simply to express it, as once expressed the emotion is gone.   When we link it with previous occasions, perhaps when something similar happened, and use this as a way of maintaining the feeling for longer we are moving from anger to rage.  Phrases we typically use are ‘why does this always happen to me’ or ‘why can’t you ever do what you are told’.  Using ‘always’ and ‘ever’ suggest that the feelings have moved beyond the present situation to connect with past experiences.
 
When current feelings combine with previous, possibly unexpressed, emotions they can become overwhelming.  We may find ourselves acting in ways that we struggle to control and that others may be unable to understand.  People have described this as being like a red mist coming down.  Some people express this rage outwardly with aggressive language and possibly physical violence, while others turn this rage inwards by hurting themselves or putting themselves in danger.
 
Unexpressed Anger
In some relationships not everyone is allowed to spontaneously express their feelings.  In many families only the adults are allowed to be angry.  When children show their anger it is sometimes described as a tantrum.  They are discouraged from expressing this particular emotion and even punished if they try.  Not acknowledging the anger experienced by children risks these feelings becoming suppressed long into adulthood and emerging in destructive and unhelpful ways. 
 
Children’s responses may not be fully understood by adults and can seem disproportionate.  Youngsters express their feelings as they occur and often see the world in more dramatic terms than their parents.  They do not always understand the actions of others and so can draw the wrong conclusions.  Young children will often feel confused and angry when parents argue or separate and may even blame themselves for being the cause or at least for not being able to prevent it from happening.
 
Anger, Shame and Violence
Feelings of shame at what we have done, or not done, can lead to a growing sense of anger.  Not being able to express this feeling directly can lead to minor irritations becoming the spur for prolonged expressions of rage which may be accompanied by acts of violence.  Where shame, perhaps resulting from humiliating experiences at the hands of others, is compounded the rage that is eventually expressed can be almost volcanic in both its energy and its impact.
 
Blowing our tops in this way can make us feel better in the short term as some of the tension we have been carrying around with us has been released.  However the impact on those around us can be significant and the tension will start to build once again so that the cycle needs to be repeated.
 
Experiencing trauma can also be a source of anger and shame which is then expressed in ways that might seem unrelated to the original experience.
 
Consequences of Uncontrolled Anger and Rage
Carrying around excessive anger can be crippling.  We struggle constantly to control an emotional chain reaction that can be set off at any moment by any number of unrelated external triggers.  Our relationships are inevitably affected as people around us become wary of how we might respond in any situation. They may even start to fear us so that they are always on their guard and unable to act naturally around us.  This can result in a continual state of tension that may feed into the frustration that lights the fuse to ignite our rage.
 
The risks are poor relationships and a lack of intimacy, combined with regular acts of violence which can lead to personal injury and possibly prison terms.
 
Managing Anger and Rage
The first step is to identify the difference between anger in the moment and the rage that spills out from beneath the surface.  Making this separation can help us identify what triggers the rage in us and try to avoid such situations, if possible, or at least reduce their impact.  Grounding ourselves in the present can help us ensure we are connecting with what is happening in the moment rather than drawing on past experiences.  We can learn to distinguish between an anger response and a rage response so that situations do not escalate out of our control.  There are many techniques we can use such as focussing on our breathing, feeling the ground beneath our feet, and even counting to ten before we respond to something.
 
It can also be helpful to explore the origins of any unexpressed anger or rage.  It may have its roots in a particular incident or may stem from a situation which lasted for many months or even years.  Working through the old emotions attached to these past experiences can allow them to surface so that they can be expressed safely and no longer need to emerge through other routes.
 
A skilled counsellor can help in both managing anger and rage in the present and exploring its origins so that its power to control our lives slowly fades.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding