​People experiencing depression often have a continuous low mood, a lack of interest in day to day experiences, feelings of hopelessness and a reduced sense of their individual value.  Not being able to control when it might come and not being able to see a way forward are also key components.
 
Depression is sometimes linked with anxiety.  Fear of being overwhelmed by our feelings can result in a detachment from life as we try to avoid people and situations which might provoke this response in us.
 
Causes of Depression
For a long time depression was thought to be linked to a chemical imbalance in the brain which anti-depressants were believed to rebalance.  This theory has now been discredited as no conclusive scientific evidence has been found to indicate any chemical or biological cause for depression.
 
It is far more likely that depression is a natural response to overwhelming events in our lives.  This may result from being in a difficult or oppressive situation for a period of time or be a response to a single event that we are unable to overcome.  In either case we may find ourselves reassessing our view of the world and ourselves and drawing negative conclusions.
 
The low mood coupled with low energy can create a sense of hopelessness, a lack of self-belief and trust in those around us, and a feeling that the situation will not change.  The ultimate expression of this hopelessness is suicide.
 
Medical Response to Depression
Antidepressants may bring temporary relief from oppressive feelings which may be important in providing an opportunity to explore other options.   However medication is not generally regarded as a long term solution and can have unhelpful side effects.
 
It is important to make sure there is no underlying physical cause such as anaemia or thyroid problems or a vitamin deficiency. These can be identified through a blood test.
 
Slowing the Downward Spiral
There may be emotional triggers that start the spiral into depression, such as certain events or situations or things other people might say or do.  These connections are not always obvious and can seem unrelated, which is why these feelings sometimes seem to come out of the blue.  However, if emotional triggers can be identified it becomes possible to find ways to manage them so we cease to be as vulnerable to their impact.
 
Feelings of helplessness in the face of current circumstances can be compounded over time with each bout of depression drawing upon previous ones.  In this way a single emotional response can start a descent into darkness with no apparent way out and no belief in the possibility of change.  
 
When our response to a current situation connects with previous similar occasions the experience can change from being an emotion felt in the present to a mood lasting several days or longer.   This can make the difference between feeling helpless in a particular situation to believing yourself to be helpless in every situation.
 
By learning to recognise what triggers these feelings and keeping them focussed in the present it may be possible to manage them more effectively and reduce their impact. 
 
The Road to Recovery
Recognising that depression is a natural response to what we have experienced means that being depressed is not our fault and that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with us.  
 
For many people experiencing depression there may have been times when they did not feel this way.  Though this may be a distant memory, it can provide a route back to a better time.  Others may not be able to remember a time when they did not feel depressed, however there may be an ebb and flow of feelings which creates an opportunity to focus on those times, however brief, when the feelings seem to subside.
 
If we can keep our feelings in the present so that they do not link with past experiences we may keep them from becoming overwhelming.  Grounding ourselves means focussing on what is happening now, rather than seeing each event as being part of some larger negative experience beyond our control.  In time this may help us become more resilient and less vulnerable to outside events and influences so that we can start to rebuild our self-belief. 
 
It may also be helpful to try to identify the life events that may have caused  this response. While some will not be resolvable, it may be possible to reflect on what led us to respond in this way so that we can develop the ability to choose how we respond in the future.
 
Where there has been some trauma, either a single event or repeated experiences, focussing on this might also offer a way out of the darkness.
 
Support for People Experiencing Depression
Everyone’s experience of depression is unique.  Recognising this as a natural response to the life we have lived provides a way to explore the nature of those experiences and reflect upon our responses both then and now.   An experienced counsellor hearing our story without judgement can be an invaluable companion on this road to recovery.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

​The Importance of Relationships
We are all living in a network of relationships.  We describe ourselves as parents or grandparents, husbands or wives, brothers or sisters.  All of these position us within our community and become an important part of our personal identity.  Many of us actively seek out particular relationships as a way of earning our place in society. 
 
Such relationships are evidence that we are loved, valued and respected.  They become a key element in our creation of a solid sense of who we are and how we fit into the world.  While each of these carries a responsibility, they can also be a source of comfort and support so there is some give and take in every relationship.  All of this can be challenged and starts to become undermined when relationships go wrong.
 
Problems in Relationships 
Each person within a relationship will see it differently and will have their particular desires and expectations.  These will be influenced by previous experiences, current values and beliefs and the importance that they place on the relationship in their lives as a whole.
 
Problems arise when there is a significant mismatch between these viewpoints.  For example some people believe their romantic relationship and their immediate family are the most important part of their lives.  Others may not define themselves by any one relationship but see themselves within a wider context that might include work colleagues and a role within their extended family.  
 
Satisfying Relationships
Each person experiences a shared relationship differently and understanding what it means for each of us will increase the chance of our needs and desires being met.  
 
When relationships begin there may be talk of what each person wants.  In romantic relationships this may well be overshadowed by physical desires as well as assumptions about creating a family.
 
People are always evolving and our personal priorities change as we move through life. What seems important when we are young can seem less so as we get older and something that might have been agreed at the start may no longer be fulfilling. Shared goals and assumptions need to be revisited as peoples’ needs, desires and expectations change.  
 
Managing Relationships
It is not uncommon for people to say to a disappointed partner that they thought this was what they wanted.  Another common belief is that people would know what we wanted if they really cared about us.
 
If the key to managing relationships is understanding what people need and want, then it is important that we are able to express this.  Only then can we begin to negotiate a way forward.
 
You need to fully understand your own desires so that you can express yourself honestly and openly in a way that can be understood.  It is equally important that you are able to listen without judgement or prejudice, clarifying if necessary, to understand what the other is saying.   If you each know what the other person wants then you can plan for the future.
 
It is easy to be blinded to another’s needs by the power of our own.  When this happens there is always the risk that desires that are not fulfilled in one relationship may be satisfied in another.
 
The same rules apply whatever the relationship, whether it is parent and child, brothers and sisters or even partners in business.
 
Support in Managing Relationships
An experienced counsellor can help people to get to the heart of what they currently want from a relationship and support them in expressing this clearly to each other.  By working this through it may be possible to realign a relationship so that it more accurately reflects peoples’ current needs, desires and expectations rather than being rooted in the past or focussed on an impossible future.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

​Origins of Trauma
Many people are familiar with the idea of battlefield veterans having flashbacks that cause them to wake up screaming as they imagine being back in the war zone.  Some people also experience post-traumatic symptoms having suffered sexual abuse as children and carrying those memories into their adult lives. 
 
While these may seem extreme examples, any of us can have experiences that have the potential to traumatise us.  The trauma could be a single event or an accumulation of repeated episodes.  Witnessing the death of a loved one in dramatic circumstances can create a traumatic memory, while someone bullied over a long period may experience a series of incidents that combine in their minds to form the trauma.
 
Trauma may result whenever we have an intense and overwhelming emotional experience, particularly when it is coupled with acute negative feelings such as fear, guilt or shame.
 
Processing Experiences
For most of us what we experience remains in our thoughts for a short while before being stored as a memory.  Over time it becomes absorbed into our other memories and is largely forgotten.  We can choose to recall the moment, rather like looking through a photo album, and then put it away again.
 
It is a natural process for experiences to gradually move further from awareness making way for newer memories.  Certain peak experiences may remain longer in our thoughts.  This sometimes happens with bereavement as we continue to think about our loved ones long after they have left us, though this too begins to fade with time.
 
Effects of Trauma
People who are traumatised may struggle to forget.  They experience vivid re-enactments of their trauma as deeply disturbing dreams and frequently as daytime thoughts and images intruding unwanted into their daily lives.  These random intrusive thoughts are difficult to manage, being experienced as visions or sounds that disturb and distract them from their everyday tasks as they relive the trauma once again.  While they seem to come at random, something will trigger these memories.  It may be a sound or a smell or they may be brought on by particular feelings such as anxiety or fear.
 
By remaining in our consciousness these thoughts can prevent us from fully engaging with any new experiences so we start to feel dislocated from what is going on around us.  In addition compared with the intensity of the traumatic experience everyday life can begin to seem dull and meaningless making it harder to connect with others including our family and friends. 
 
Resolving Symptoms of Trauma
The first step is to re-connect with what is happening in our lives in the present.  Learning to focus on the moment helps to overcome feelings of dislocation and reduces the impact of intrusive thoughts and images.
 
It may then be possible to explore the traumatic experience so it can be incorporated into our memories.  This involves talking it through in a safe environment with someone who is not going to judge us.  The event is revisited in detail and the associated emotions are identified and acknowledged.  
 
In this way the traumatic event is placed within the wider context of our lives.  While it may remain a peak experience, it no longer feels as extreme and loses the power to cast such a huge shadow over us.
 
Helping people to manage and overcome the feelings resulting from trauma is a delicate process that needs to be managed sensitively to avoid re-traumatising them further.
 
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms you may be dealing with the impact of some trauma and could benefit from specialist help and support.  Many Counsellors are able to work with trauma and can help both with processing the traumatic experience and keeping you grounded in the present.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

​When considering loss our thoughts often turn to the death of a loved one, something we all expect to experience during our lives. 
 
When someone dies our relationship with them becomes frozen in time.  So although loss seems linked with the past, it is the future that has changed.  Our identity may also shift as we cease to be a son or a husband, a daughter or a wife.
 
The Importance of Grieving
The effects of loss can be reduced if we take enough time to appreciate their impact on our lives.  For this reason every culture around the world has rituals that celebrate the departed and support those that remain.
 
Carrying on with our lives without fully acknowledging what has happened risks our emotions becoming bottled up.  These feelings might even emerge later in unexpected ways that can be more difficult to manage.
 
Responses to Loss
There are a wide range of reactions and emotions that would be expected following any loss.  It is important to recognise that people respond very differently from one another, both in the intensity of their expressed feelings and how long they appear to last. 
 
We may also find ourselves feeling emotions we had not expected.  This sometimes happens with an expected death following a long illness. 
 
While there is often a lot of support for people in the days following bereavement, many people find this tails off as others get on with their lives.  The feelings of loss persist and a growing sense of isolation may make them even harder to manage.
 
Other Forms of Loss
There are many other forms of loss.  The loss of a job or a relationship can lead to very similar feelings.  Young people with lower grades than expected may lose the chance to pursue their chosen career.
 
All involve a possible shift in our identity, a significant change to our daily routines and having to accept a different future from the one we imagined for ourselves.   Taking time to grieve for these losses can make them easier to bear and reduce the risk of issues arising in the future.
 
Impact of Loss
It is important to consider the broader implications of any loss.  Relationships can be a source of safety and so losing someone who contributed to our sense of security can cause us to feel vulnerable.  This might lead to feelings of anxiety which may keep us from fully engaging with life. 
 
The manner of the loss can also affect our response as we might be left with traumatic memories.  Watching medical staff try in vain to resuscitate a loved one may leave people with violent images that come back to them in their sleep or even as intrusive thoughts during the day.  Such post-traumatic experiences are very disturbing and can have long term effects if not addressed.
 
Managing Feelings of Loss
Loss can be like a stone thrown in a lake.  Initially it makes a big splash, and then sends ripples spreading in all directions affecting every part of our lives.
 
There is value in taking time to consider what this change means for us and allowing our feelings to emerge.   Accepting how we feel, without judgement, and allowing time for the full range of complex emotions to appear will help to reduce the negative long term impact of such significant events.
 
While the feelings surrounding loss will continue for many years, there is an expectation that their impact on our daily lives will diminish with time as we adjust to the change.
 
If you are feeling overwhelmed following an experience of loss, particularly if your ability to function is affected, or if you are experiencing unexpected symptoms or emotions, then it may be helpful to talk to a Counsellor.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

When thinking about some of the people who have been regarded as the most evil in history, I begin to wonder how they perceived themselves, both at the time they were carrying out some of their most extreme acts and when they looked back on what they had done.  We are told that psychopaths, or sociopaths, have limited empathy and so are relatively immune to pangs of conscience.   While this may allow for incidents of extreme behaviour, it would seem to me unlikely to be enough to support an individual through a decade or more of repeated acts of what others would regard as cruelty. 

I suspect that few people would see themselves as evil or even unjust and that most of those the world has labelled as one or the other will have created a story for themselves that allows them to feel justified in their actions.  This is also the case for people behaving in ways that are less extreme, but whose actions may still be regarded by some as unacceptable. They will have created a personal narrative that counters any alternative view and reinforces a belief in their right to act in this way.  Those who disagree with them may describe this as some form of rationalisation, which implies that at some deeper level they know they are deceiving themselves.   However I think it is important to acknowledge the implied power dynamic in believing that we know someone better than they know themselves and it might be useful to reflect upon how this feels when we are subjected to the supposed superior knowledge of others.

As children we accumulate a set of beliefs from a variety of sources that we use to construct a picture of who we are and what we believe life to be about.  As we move through time the pictures are modified, or drawn anew, and when considered in sequence form a narrative of our lives.  This story is tested at regular intervals against our direct experience and the narratives that we receive from others.  When others are perceived to be more experienced, and possibly more powerful, than us we may choose to accept their narratives over our own perceptions.  This can be particularly true when we are young, for example the influence of family and teachers can be significant, and may also continue into adulthood.  We are offered a range of role models for every age of our lives.  Religious or political views and principles may also provide a thread whose influence may expand or contract throughout the lifetime of our personal narratives.

There is a story that we tell ourselves and there are those that others tell to us. The process for validating each of these is the same.  A comparison with what we may regard as facts would seem to be one way. However the identification and description of those facts, or life events, presents a further opportunity for constructing additional narratives.  I believe that the only useful test is for our personal narratives to be measured against our own lived experience, and to recognise the fictional aspect of both.

It is important to acknowledge any gaps that exist between these narratives.  Where the gap between our self-perception and the accounts we receive from influential others is large, there is a risk that we cease to believe our internal narrative and begin to rely on that external viewpoint to define who we are.  Others will have their own reasons for the way they choose to define us, which will in turn be affected by the stories that they have chosen to accept for themselves.

Where a gap exists between our lived experience and the personal narrative that we have chosen, it can be tempting to disregard any contradictions and create a safe distance between our self-perception and our experience.  By rewriting our histories we can maintain our view despite contradictory real-time experiences.  Sometimes our personal history is such that only by remodelling it in this way can we create a narrative that we are able to tolerate.  While this can be an essential strategy for survival, particularly when we are young, it may cast a long shadow into adulthood that keeps us from fully engaging in a present where darkness is no longer predominant.

Some people have settled upon a personal narrative that exaggerates aspects of themselves that they believe to be desirable, while others choose to focus on what they understand to be negatives.  Both may need to seek out situations in which these views are confirmed.

I believe it is important for us to construct our own narrative and not to let circumstances, events or other people do this for us.  There are many people who are all too willing to tell us who we are, how we feel and what we should do.  The word ‘should’ has been identified as a negative precursor to unhelpful direction which it is always wise to challenge.

A key element of my own resilience is my ability to adapt, or rather to accept a redefinition of who I am and what my life is about.  This allows me to try out different roles and explore a range of pathways that generate learning that I can then use positively to more accurately describe my own personal narrative and my place within it.  The narrative we construct will develop and need to be reviewed regularly, both in response to changes in our environment and also as our personal aspirations evolve.  This does not involve creating a fresh narrative. It is about identifying and understanding the narrative that you have created.  Its usefulness will relate directly to how accurately it describes you and reflects the world that you inhabit.

It is important to have a narrative that comes from within, is up to date, that you feel respect for and that is confirmed regularly by your life experience.  As I get older, I find it less important that it matches the perceptions of others.  As I learn to listen to my own instincts and intuitions, understand their meanings, I can develop a story that is confirmed rather than contradicted by my real-time experience.

My ideal narrative is a solid story that does not need to be revised at every set-back and which evolves in response to my lived experience. By considering my personal narrative I am able to understand my previous actions and to know why I am here.

© 2014 Michael Golding