​While there are people who have lived a solitary life for many years, recent developments have meant that many of us are learning what it is like to live in isolation.
 
Experiencing Isolation
The experience of isolation can be characterised by too much spare time and not enough human contact.  For some it can be a relief to spend time alone but if it continues for too long it starts to have an impact on how we see the world and our place within it. This can significantly affect our behaviour and the way we relate to other people. 
 
While this can be thought to affect only those who live alone, couples and families forced into isolation can also experience similar changes. This can be seen in how they relate to each other as well as the world outside.
 
Potential Impact
The growing sense of detachment from the world that can result from isolation can creep up on us.  We may think we have successfully adapted to our new situation even as we are starting to develop strange behaviours and change our ideas about people. Without any external challenge our attitudes and behaviours can become increasingly extreme and out of kilter with others.  This can make it harder for us to connect with others, which further compounds the situation.
 
It can be important to periodically take some time to reflect upon our lives. However if we spend too much time dwelling upon our situation, without the balance of other opinions, we risk becoming depressed about the past and anxious about the future. This can be a potentially dangerous and debilitating mix.
 
Social Isolation
Without regular and varied interaction with others our thoughts and feelings can start to move along an ever narrower track.  Our sense of what is important can start to shift so that we find ourselves focussing only on certain details rather than the picture as a whole. We may find our lives rebalancing around particular interests or pleasures so that more and more of our time is spent on fewer and fewer activities. This lack of variety can mean our tribe of like-minded people starts to shrink which risks intensifying our feelings of being alone.
 
Emotional Isolation
One of the risks of isolation is a diminishing sense of our own value. It is tempting to link contact with caring and to imagine that our contact with others is evidence of how much they care.  When contacts become infrequent, or stop, it is a short step to wondering that if nobody cares about us why should we care about ourselves.  This opens the door to personal neglect and a range of other unhealthy behaviours.
 
Spiritual Isolation
Whatever our viewpoint there is a spiritual element to all of our lives. Our beliefs and values are confirmed by our experiences and also challenged by them.  This creates a dynamic relationship around how we interact with the world as each fresh contact impacts upon our thoughts and feelings.   Without regular challenge this reflective energy is lost and we can become stuck, like an unoiled machine that rusts until it can no longer move.
 
Keeping in Step
Whether we are predominantly introvert or extrovert we all need to feed from the same diet of social interaction.  While most will have felt alienated on occasion, these experiences are usually offset by those times when we feel we are walking in step with others. When this happens, however large or small the group, there is a sense of togetherness that is nourishing and sustaining.  Without this we can start to wither and feel like we are moving through autumn into a permanent winter.
 
Managing Isolation
Perhaps the solution lies in part in learning to manage the excess time and the reduced human contact.  Establishing and maintaining a balance of routine and variety creates a structure. While an explicit need to get up in the morning may no longer exist, there is a subtler reason for keeping to a timetable. Without this discipline each day risks becoming the same and we begin losing our sense of dynamic connection with the world.
 
We have all become used to doing things we do not choose and this too can be important in maintaining our sense of balance.  Without this grist the millstones grind against each other and will eventually crack.
 
Many of our social interactions are random and not always with people we know or care about.  Yet all are important in keeping us looking outside of ourselves and our own situation into the world beyond.  It may be that more effort is required to set these up and make them happen.  While it may feel like an effort to stay connected, the cost of not doing so is high and the longer we leave it the harder it becomes to reach across the divide.
 
We need to be constantly proactive about reaching out and connecting. If you are isolated reach out to others, if they are isolated reach out to them.
 
© 2020 Michael Golding

​Developing a chronic condition can take us into a world of clinical interventions, intrusive tests, and lifelong medical treatment.   Once diagnosed, we must learn to live with an outcome that may change our lives forever.
 
Getting a Diagnosis
The journey to a diagnosis can be lengthy and full of false twists and turns as the cause of our symptoms is identified.  We can feel like we are losing control and being forced to accept the wisdom of others.  There may be blind alleys along the way and we may move between hope and despair as possibly life limiting conditions are considered and ruled out.
 
Identifying the cause of our problem can bring temporary relief until we are told the condition cannot be cured and the best outcome possible is to manage the symptoms.
 
Trauma and Bereavement
Being diagnosed with a chronic condition can be traumatic. It can feel like a random experience that turns our life upside down and makes us fearful for the future. We may feel guilty for what has happened to us and even ashamed of how we have changed.  Acknowledging this trauma is an important step in consigning this part of our experience to the past.
 
Much may have been lost. Like any bereavement we may need to take time to mourn the loss of the life we thought we would have before we can accept the life that will be.
 
Embracing the Future
It is natural to go through a period of denial then anger. Trying to carry on as if nothing has happened will keep us in this place.  Movement comes when we stop resisting and let go of our expectations. Then we can start to accept our situation.
 
By learning about our condition we can understand the best way to manage it.  We can also begin to appreciate how we can work around any limitations to make a new life that can be as fulfilling as before.
 
It does not Define Us
While it may cast a long shadow, our condition remains one aspect of who we are.  Believing we are much more than this will enable us to replace all that we may have lost with something new.
 
It is important to let go of any blame for what has happened. Whether it is something that we or others have brought about, focussing on who might be responsible keeps us in the past and prevents us from moving forwards.
 
Asking for Help
Many of us resist acknowledging we need help and struggle to ask for it.  Rather than carry on alone, we can actively seek out all of the support that we need. This might include self-help groups and other online forums.  It is better to explain to those around us exactly what we need from them rather than expecting them to know. Others may try to fix things when what we really want is for them to witness what we are going through. Helping them to understand this avoids conflict and ensures we get what we need when we need it.
 
Celebrate the Good Days
By embracing our new life we are also accepting that we have entered a different landscape.   Some of what we valued before may now be lost but while the context has changed we have not.  We may have had to reset the bar yet there will still be highs and lows. Just as before, the good days are something to celebrate.
 
Finding a New Normal
When our lives change dramatically we can find ourselves off balance and have to work hard to regain our equilibrium. We need to establish a new normal which reflects the way things are rather than how they were or how we might wish them to be.
 
© 2020 Michael Golding

We all know what it means to procrastinate but many of us do not really know why we avoid starting something we want to do or know we need to do.
 
Obstacles and Resistance
This is more than simply putting off something unpleasant.  We are avoiding doing a task we know needs to be done.  What is it that keeps us from getting started?
 
Our resistance is not about the task but the feelings that lie underneath. Refusing the call to action avoids having to deal with the powerful emotions we fear might emerge such as anxiety, shame, and commitment to a decision.
 
Doing something else is preferable to having to face these emotions.  Dealing instead with the feelings that come from avoidance may work but leads to negative consequences in the long term.
 
Fear and Perfectionism
Taking time to reflect upon what needs to be done can fuel our anxiety.  The critical voice in our head undermines our belief that we have the resources to overcome whatever difficulties may arise. We may fear we will fail to complete the task to the required standard or at all.
 
We imagine the shame of abandoning the task to someone else or the humiliation of finishing something that will be criticised. We can protect ourselves from any hard to manage emotions resulting from a poor outcome by finding ways to avoid making a start.
 
Choosing limits Choice
We know we cannot have it all, but before we choose we can imagine this is the case. Choosing immediately cancels out all other options, so avoiding making a choice keeps us from having to live with the consequences. These include having to act upon our choices and possibly needing to justify or defend them to others.
 
Motivation and Prioritisation
Avoidance is a way of prioritizing our short term needs over long term ones.  We are avoiding having to manage powerful emotions like fear, anxiety and shame.
 
This highlights the importance of self-worth. If we do not start we avoid the risk that we might fail.  However struggling to start or finish tasks can increase our negative sense of self making it even harder to start or finish projects.
 
The issue is not the task itself but our inability to manage negative emotions around carrying out the task. Improving our sense of our own competence makes the task less daunting, reduces the risk of failure and increases our resilience to work through any challenges.
 
Putting on the Brakes
Holding off is not always a sign of avoidance.  We may suspend our decision to take the time we need to make the right choice rather than being forced into something we intuitively know is wrong.  Maybe we are not ready or feel we have not yet thought things through.
 
The power of pause allows us to stay where we are and take time to consider what is really going on. We can reflect upon the impact of any fear of negative emotions regarding possible outcomes and identify how much this may be affecting our decision not to act.  
 
By cultivating self-acceptance and self-compassion we can counter the negative energy that comes from our inability to act.  We can focus on understanding what is holding us back rather than just judging our inaction.
 
Reframing the Task
It sometimes feels like we have turned in on ourselves and need to be released from the prison of our own inaction. Where do we get the courage to overcome our fear and avoid feeling shame?
 
Understanding the origins of these intense feelings allows us to separate them from any particular activity. We may discover their roots lie elsewhere and are being brought to the surface by our anxiety over what needs to be done but have no direct connection to it.  If we can see the task in a different light it might evoke much more manageable emotions.
 
Sharing our fears can reduce their impact.  If someone linked arms with us we might be able to move forward. Beginning without the need to complete can also reduce the pressure we put upon ourselves. Perhaps we are not always supposed to know how to do it; we are just supposed to begin.
 
© 2020 Michael Golding

​The causes of addiction have been argued about for many years with our brains, our genes and our personality type being blamed for our addictive behaviours. These all point to a cause outside of ourselves which seems to let us off the hook. Yet there is growing evidence that only the individual can ultimately resolve their own addiction.
 
Origins of Addiction
Dr Gabor Maté is a Canadian physician who has connected his experiences as a family doctor working with childhood development and trauma and his knowledge of substance misuse and addiction.  He believes the systems within our brains that regulate incentive and motivation and attachment and reward can be significantly affected by adverse early experiences.  As a result we may struggle to tolerate our needs and wants not being met and feel an overwhelming desire to satisfy them as quickly and in whatever way we can.
 
This can also lead to poor impulse control and a condition described as ‘brain lock’ in which we continually act without thinking.  This can mean we repeat patterns endlessly, even when the consequences are detrimental.
 
A Path out of Addiction
Neurological development is not fixed as our brains are continuously evolving in response to what we experience.  Reframing our understanding of what is happening can help us change our responses and break our patterns of behaviour.  Over time this can lead to the creation of fresh neural circuits.
 
We can overcome ‘brain lock’ by slowing down the process through taking time to reflect upon the origin of our desires and the outcome of our actions. Regularly and repeatedly working through these five steps can create a new set of beliefs and actions that can significantly change our behaviour.
 
Re-Label the Desire
Name the feeling for what it is by recognising it is not a real need, as it might appear to be, but a temporary desire. It is a desire for a form of comfort or satisfaction, not a need that must be met through a single course of action.
 
Re-Attribute the Source
Apportion blame by asking why my brain is sending me this false message. Compassionate curiosity can help us to avoid blaming ourselves and instead allow us to question where this feeling might have come from.  Asking why we feel this desire at this time can create a useful distance between us and the desire reducing its power to affect us.
 
Re-Focus the Energy
While the urge may seem very powerful it will not last forever. As it only exists in our mind it will pass.  If we are able to distract ourselves long enough, or subvert the feeling by refocusing the energy into doing something else, we can avoid taking a familiar and possibly destructive path.
 
Re-Value the Impact
Initially our focus will be on fulfilling the desire.  Shifting this to concentrate on the inevitable outcome of repeating particular behaviours can help us to put less value on an urge when it leads to disaster.
 
Re-Create the Intention
We are being directed by impulses that developed within us many years ago without us choosing them.  By recognising our true desires in the present we can separate them from feelings that are rooted in our past.  Now we can choose which to follow and add the power of intention to our decisions.
 
Breaking the Cycle
Changing repeated patterns of addictive behaviour is a major challenge and takes time and commitment to achieve.  However continuing to live with detrimental and possibly destructive behaviour can be harder.  By better understanding the origins of our feelings and desires we can begin to choose more useful ways of dealing with them.  In time this can reduce the negative impact on us and the lives of those around us.  It can open us up to a future that is driven by our current desires and intentions, not by feelings rooted in what may have been a difficult or troubled past.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding

​Though often regarded as a negative emotion, jealousy has a role in helping us identify what is important in our lives.  The challenge is to keep it from getting out of our control.
 
Culturally Normal
Every culture has things which are regarded as important and that therefore become desirable.  We are encouraged to want them and having them is frequently seen as a reward for effort or recognition of status.  Feeling jealous is the sign that we too wish to have it and is experienced by most of us at various times throughout our lives.
 
Wanting, Having and Keeping
It begins with us becoming aware of something, or someone, that brings up in us feelings of desire. These feelings become a preoccupation that will not leave us until we take steps to acquire what we desire.  Having got what we wanted the feeling comes to an end and we enjoy the fulfilment of our desire.  For some this is replaced by a desire to keep what we have and a fear that we may lose it.
 
Useful Jealousy
Unlike envy, which is rarely helpful, jealousy can be a useful signpost to what is important to us.  Our friends and acquaintances may all have cars and houses but only certain ones will cause us to feel jealous of their owner; someone tells us about their life and while most of it may have little impact a single aspect causes jealousy to stir within us; someone in a group catches our attention and we feel jealous of whoever they are with.  While the object of our desire may be different for each of us, the feeling of jealous longing is universal. By recognising the unusual intensity of this feeling, jealousy can help us to identify our true desires.
 
Negative Impact of Jealousy
Jealousy points us toward what we want and helps motivate us to do what we need to get it.  However for some us there is no satisfaction in achieving.  Once we have acquired something we simply shift our sights to something else.  That we are never satisfied suggests we were mistaken about the value of what we thought we wanted and the impact that we imagined it would have on us. This form of serial jealousy is more akin to envy as its focus is on the person who has what we desire rather than the thing itself.
 
For some the intense feelings do not end when we have achieved our goal as we then become fearful of losing it.  We guard it carefully remaining watchful for any potential threat. Possessive jealousy means we focus on the act of possession rather than what we possess. This form of jealousy can be linked with shame so that our fear of loss is that it will lead to humiliation.
 
In either case we are not able to fully appreciate the value of what we have either because we are fearful that it will be taken from us or we are focussing on the next object of desire.
 
Appreciating Value
It is possible to separate the value of anything from the feeling that we imagine having it will create in us.  This is the difference between actual value and symbolic value and the true meaning to us is likely to be a mix of the two.  Keeping both in mind will inform our decision to pursue what we desire and avoid disappointment.
 
Our fear of not being able to keep something may have its roots in a belief that we do not really deserve it, or that someone else is more deserving than us. This would seem to set the value of the object as being greater than the value we put upon ourselves.
 
A Controllable Emotion
Jealousy can set in motion a complex mix of feelings that can spur us to action but can also leave us dissatisfied or anxious not to lose what we have.  By reflecting upon the true value of things and recognising the likely feelings that possession will bring we can ensure we are not disappointed.  Developing a strong belief in our own value will counter any fear that we are undeserving and will lose what we have worked so hard to attain.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding