​The Importance of Relationships
We are all living in a network of relationships.  We describe ourselves as parents or grandparents, husbands or wives, brothers or sisters.  All of these position us within our community and become an important part of our personal identity.  Many of us actively seek out particular relationships as a way of earning our place in society. 
 
Such relationships are evidence that we are loved, valued and respected.  They become a key element in our creation of a solid sense of who we are and how we fit into the world.  While each of these carries a responsibility, they can also be a source of comfort and support so there is some give and take in every relationship.  All of this can be challenged and starts to become undermined when relationships go wrong.
 
Problems in Relationships 
Each person within a relationship will see it differently and will have their particular desires and expectations.  These will be influenced by previous experiences, current values and beliefs and the importance that they place on the relationship in their lives as a whole.
 
Problems arise when there is a significant mismatch between these viewpoints.  For example some people believe their romantic relationship and their immediate family are the most important part of their lives.  Others may not define themselves by any one relationship but see themselves within a wider context that might include work colleagues and a role within their extended family.  
 
Satisfying Relationships
Each person experiences a shared relationship differently and understanding what it means for each of us will increase the chance of our needs and desires being met.  
 
When relationships begin there may be talk of what each person wants.  In romantic relationships this may well be overshadowed by physical desires as well as assumptions about creating a family.
 
People are always evolving and our personal priorities change as we move through life. What seems important when we are young can seem less so as we get older and something that might have been agreed at the start may no longer be fulfilling. Shared goals and assumptions need to be revisited as peoples’ needs, desires and expectations change.  
 
Managing Relationships
It is not uncommon for people to say to a disappointed partner that they thought this was what they wanted.  Another common belief is that people would know what we wanted if they really cared about us.
 
If the key to managing relationships is understanding what people need and want, then it is important that we are able to express this.  Only then can we begin to negotiate a way forward.
 
You need to fully understand your own desires so that you can express yourself honestly and openly in a way that can be understood.  It is equally important that you are able to listen without judgement or prejudice, clarifying if necessary, to understand what the other is saying.   If you each know what the other person wants then you can plan for the future.
 
It is easy to be blinded to another’s needs by the power of our own.  When this happens there is always the risk that desires that are not fulfilled in one relationship may be satisfied in another.
 
The same rules apply whatever the relationship, whether it is parent and child, brothers and sisters or even partners in business.
 
Support in Managing Relationships
An experienced counsellor can help people to get to the heart of what they currently want from a relationship and support them in expressing this clearly to each other.  By working this through it may be possible to realign a relationship so that it more accurately reflects peoples’ current needs, desires and expectations rather than being rooted in the past or focussed on an impossible future.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

There has been a lot of research into the way our experiences are turned into memories.   A model currently popular with neuroscientists involves different areas of our brain being used to store short and long term memories.   Information regarding recent experiences is temporarily retained in one location within our brains before being moved to another for permanent storage. 
 
We can easily access this information while it remains in our short-term memory and take time to reflect upon what has occurred, possibly adding additional details.   If the experience stays with us it will be transferred to our long term memory and we will be able to draw upon it at any time in the future.  However, if information does not remain within our short term memory for long enough then it is effectively over-written with new information from our latest experience. 
 
This theory was developed using real-time imaging techniques to identify parts of the brain associated with short and long term memory with activity being tracked as different areas light up. This reminds me a little of the difference between information the Random Access Memory uses in the management of a computer system and the data transferred to the hard drive for permanent storage.
 
The model provides an insight into how we learn.  Studying intensely keeps information in our heads long enough to stay there and I suppose the practice of repetition, or learning by rote, is another proven way of retaining information though there is no guarantee that it is always understood.
 
This also explains the experience we sometimes have of seeming to operate on automatic pilot.  For example having driven somewhere that is very familiar to us and arrived safely without having any memory of how we got there.  This is possibly because the experience did not stay in our short term memory long enough to warrant it becoming permanent.
 
The deciding factor between what sticks and what is lost would seem to be the length of time the experience remains in our thoughts.  There are various reasons why it does not remain for long such as how important we believe it to be, or because more important information turned up and we chose to focus on that.
 
The time needed to create a memory also seems to vary depending upon the nature of the experience.  Tests have apparently shown that negative experiences do not need to be retained as long as positive experiences before becoming permanent memories.  One explanation for what is referred to as a negative bias is that it promotes learning from unpleasant experiences as a way of keeping us safe in the future.
 
If we need to retain positive experiences in our consciousness longer before they can be added to our store of memories, there may be a tendency for our memories to be weighted towards less pleasant experiences.

If this is the case, perhaps we can influence the balance of our memories by deliberately holding on to positive experiences so that they are retained.  This is possibly the science behind a lot of the practices promoted by positive psychology.  It might also provide further insights into the benefits we experience from contemplating the beauty of the natural world or reflecting upon the art, poetry and music that has been created through the years.
 
By taking sufficient time to focus on positive experiences, both as they occur and immediately after, we may be able to reset the balance of our memories so that pleasure outweighs pain.  This could mean taking more time to stare at a sunset, holding on to a delicious flavour for a few extra moments or staying a little longer with someone we care about.
 
Even if this is not the case, there is a strong argument for savouring the joy in life rather than brooding on life’s downturns.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding