Living with Jealousy

​Though often regarded as a negative emotion, jealousy has a role in helping us identify what is important in our lives.  The challenge is to keep it from getting out of our control.
 
Culturally Normal
Every culture has things which are regarded as important and that therefore become desirable.  We are encouraged to want them and having them is frequently seen as a reward for effort or recognition of status.  Feeling jealous is the sign that we too wish to have it and is experienced by most of us at various times throughout our lives.
 
Wanting, Having and Keeping
It begins with us becoming aware of something, or someone, that brings up in us feelings of desire. These feelings become a preoccupation that will not leave us until we take steps to acquire what we desire.  Having got what we wanted the feeling comes to an end and we enjoy the fulfilment of our desire.  For some this is replaced by a desire to keep what we have and a fear that we may lose it.
 
Useful Jealousy
Unlike envy, which is rarely helpful, jealousy can be a useful signpost to what is important to us.  Our friends and acquaintances may all have cars and houses but only certain ones will cause us to feel jealous of their owner; someone tells us about their life and while most of it may have little impact a single aspect causes jealousy to stir within us; someone in a group catches our attention and we feel jealous of whoever they are with.  While the object of our desire may be different for each of us, the feeling of jealous longing is universal. By recognising the unusual intensity of this feeling, jealousy can help us to identify our true desires.
 
Negative Impact of Jealousy
Jealousy points us toward what we want and helps motivate us to do what we need to get it.  However for some us there is no satisfaction in achieving.  Once we have acquired something we simply shift our sights to something else.  That we are never satisfied suggests we were mistaken about the value of what we thought we wanted and the impact that we imagined it would have on us. This form of serial jealousy is more akin to envy as its focus is on the person who has what we desire rather than the thing itself.
 
For some the intense feelings do not end when we have achieved our goal as we then become fearful of losing it.  We guard it carefully remaining watchful for any potential threat. Possessive jealousy means we focus on the act of possession rather than what we possess. This form of jealousy can be linked with shame so that our fear of loss is that it will lead to humiliation.
 
In either case we are not able to fully appreciate the value of what we have either because we are fearful that it will be taken from us or we are focussing on the next object of desire.
 
Appreciating Value
It is possible to separate the value of anything from the feeling that we imagine having it will create in us.  This is the difference between actual value and symbolic value and the true meaning to us is likely to be a mix of the two.  Keeping both in mind will inform our decision to pursue what we desire and avoid disappointment.
 
Our fear of not being able to keep something may have its roots in a belief that we do not really deserve it, or that someone else is more deserving than us. This would seem to set the value of the object as being greater than the value we put upon ourselves.
 
A Controllable Emotion
Jealousy can set in motion a complex mix of feelings that can spur us to action but can also leave us dissatisfied or anxious not to lose what we have.  By reflecting upon the true value of things and recognising the likely feelings that possession will bring we can ensure we are not disappointed.  Developing a strong belief in our own value will counter any fear that we are undeserving and will lose what we have worked so hard to attain.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding