​When considering loss our thoughts often turn to the death of a loved one, something we all expect to experience during our lives. 
 
When someone dies our relationship with them becomes frozen in time.  So although loss seems linked with the past, it is the future that has changed.  Our identity may also shift as we cease to be a son or a husband, a daughter or a wife.
 
The Importance of Grieving
The effects of loss can be reduced if we take enough time to appreciate their impact on our lives.  For this reason every culture around the world has rituals that celebrate the departed and support those that remain.
 
Carrying on with our lives without fully acknowledging what has happened risks our emotions becoming bottled up.  These feelings might even emerge later in unexpected ways that can be more difficult to manage.
 
Responses to Loss
There are a wide range of reactions and emotions that would be expected following any loss.  It is important to recognise that people respond very differently from one another, both in the intensity of their expressed feelings and how long they appear to last. 
 
We may also find ourselves feeling emotions we had not expected.  This sometimes happens with an expected death following a long illness. 
 
While there is often a lot of support for people in the days following bereavement, many people find this tails off as others get on with their lives.  The feelings of loss persist and a growing sense of isolation may make them even harder to manage.
 
Other Forms of Loss
There are many other forms of loss.  The loss of a job or a relationship can lead to very similar feelings.  Young people with lower grades than expected may lose the chance to pursue their chosen career.
 
All involve a possible shift in our identity, a significant change to our daily routines and having to accept a different future from the one we imagined for ourselves.   Taking time to grieve for these losses can make them easier to bear and reduce the risk of issues arising in the future.
 
Impact of Loss
It is important to consider the broader implications of any loss.  Relationships can be a source of safety and so losing someone who contributed to our sense of security can cause us to feel vulnerable.  This might lead to feelings of anxiety which may keep us from fully engaging with life. 
 
The manner of the loss can also affect our response as we might be left with traumatic memories.  Watching medical staff try in vain to resuscitate a loved one may leave people with violent images that come back to them in their sleep or even as intrusive thoughts during the day.  Such post-traumatic experiences are very disturbing and can have long term effects if not addressed.
 
Managing Feelings of Loss
Loss can be like a stone thrown in a lake.  Initially it makes a big splash, and then sends ripples spreading in all directions affecting every part of our lives.
 
There is value in taking time to consider what this change means for us and allowing our feelings to emerge.   Accepting how we feel, without judgement, and allowing time for the full range of complex emotions to appear will help to reduce the negative long term impact of such significant events.
 
While the feelings surrounding loss will continue for many years, there is an expectation that their impact on our daily lives will diminish with time as we adjust to the change.
 
If you are feeling overwhelmed following an experience of loss, particularly if your ability to function is affected, or if you are experiencing unexpected symptoms or emotions, then it may be helpful to talk to a Counsellor.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

​Imagine that you have moved away from all that was familiar in search of adventure.  After journeying for several days you come across a forest that stretches away to left and right as far as you can see.  Despite experiencing a slight sense of foreboding you walk into the forest as it does not appear that you would be able to walk around it.  More importantly, this is the sort of adventure that you have chosen to embark upon.
 
The trees are densely packed and so it is hard to move in a straight line.  After walking for what seems a long time it is starting to get dark.  You turn around hoping to see the way that you have come, so you might retrace your steps if needed.  However the view behind is now the same as that ahead and it is impossible to see either the way you have come or the way you need to go.  The light continues to fade with the effect exaggerated by the tall trees all around and their dense canopy of leaves.
 
You are becoming conscious of being all alone. You do not know which way to turn, as everywhere you look all you can see are dark trees extending far away into the darker shadows.  They rise far above you and beyond their tall tips there is now an inky black sky with the occasional glimpse of a star or a wisp of cold grey cloud passing over.  Time seems to be stretching out in all directions so that it becomes hard to remember when it was that you first stepped in among the trees.  Although you are not tired, you decide to wait until it becomes lighter before moving on as you are worried you might trip and fall in the gloom.  You settle down with your back against a tree and start to sit it out until morning.
 
The forest is alive with a wide variety of unseen creatures and with the wind rustling the leaves high overhead there seems little chance for sleep.   However, you gradually become accustomed to these night time noises and find yourself drifting off.
 
You are woken by a sound that seems to stand out from the background.  At first you are unsure that you heard anything and so you stand up to get a different perspective, straining to hear.  You look all around and for a moment the view in every direction appears to be the same.
 
The first flickers of light seem like they may be imagined as the gap between them lasts for many minutes.  As you strain to see, they become more frequent and seem also to be gradually increasing in brightness.  The light appears to be coming from a lantern and the flickering is caused by the light passing behind the trees.  It is raised on a pole so that it creates a pool upon the ground to show its owner a clear path through the tangle of roots and ferns.  The sound you had heard is caused by gentle footfalls upon the leaves and dry twigs of the forest floor.
 
Eventually the figure comes nearer and you begin to make out the hooded cloak and large staff with the swinging lantern hanging from its top.  The figure is weaving a path through the trees which turns left then right but seems to be coming ever closer to where you stand.  You wonder how they can see you when you struggle to see yourself.
 
The stranger comes up to you and greets you and takes a seat upon the moss.  “You seem troubled”.  This is offered more as a statement than a question yet seems to be an invitation for you to talk.  You are troubled and you are unsure whether having this stranger beside you reduces this or creates a further cause for concern. 
 
In the gloom it is hard to see the stranger’s face and so you start to imagine how they might look.  Perhaps there is a long grey beard as a symbol of age and wisdom, or the fresh faced androgyny of a timeless spirit. 
 
Sitting side by side it feels easy to talk without seeing judgement in the other’s eyes and so you describe your life before you set out on this journey.  You talk about what you have left behind and your desires and ambitions for what may lie ahead.
 
With encouragement, you then begin to describe your current predicament of feeling lost.  The more you talk the richer your description becomes.  You are exploring every aspect of your current situation ranging through your conflicting thoughts and feelings, making connections with past experiences and linking to future dreams. It seems as if the lantern is being held in a way that allows you to see yourself more clearly.  
 
In speaking your story out loud it has become a different narrative.  Unspoken it seemed to be a tale of loss and frustration and even hopelessness.  The tale you are sharing began with the sensation of being lost but is now about drawing upon your strengths and talents to find ways to overcome your fears.   
 
As the morning starts to penetrate down through the branches you feel a growing certainty about the next stage of your journey.  You are starting to recognise the differences between the trees that surround you, you are able to identify tracks and pathways along the ground that were invisible before and you can feel the faintest breeze that you know comes from a place beyond the forest.  You stand to stretch your limbs and to take deep breaths of this crisp morning air and as you turn around you see that the stranger is no longer with you. 
 
As you leave to continue on your journey you reflect upon the conversation that has lasted throughout the night and into the dawn.  You recognise that any map that might have guided you through these woods would be useless in any of the forests that lie beyond.  By developing your knowledge, skills and experience you know that you will find a way to overcome whatever challenges may lie ahead.  In the absence of fear you can now fully appreciate the beauty of the land that you are journeying through.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding