​More than three times as many people take their own lives each year than die in traffic accidents.  However, many more are thinking about ending their lives, often without anybody else knowing what is on their mind.

Taboos around Suicide
Suicide can be a divisive subject with views on those who take their own lives ranging from courageous to cowardly.  Healthcare professionals also have mixed responses to those attempting suicide who end up needing hospital treatment.  

The impact of this single event spreads throughout families and friends causing feelings of anger, sadness and guilt.  It can also be passed down through the generations creating a vulnerability among descendants to consider ending their own lives. 

Against this volatile and unpredictable background it can be very hard to express our own feelings about wanting to bring our personal suffering to an end.

The Absence of Hope
Lack of hope is often described as the tipping point for suicide.  As any hope for a change begins to fade the pain of daily life can become overwhelming.  While some people stay alive through consideration of the impact their death might have on those they love, others believe they are becoming a burden and that those closest to them would be better off without them.

Thought to Action
For some people it is important to have decided exactly how they might end their lives, even if it is an option they may never take.  It seems that having an escape route in place makes their pain and struggle easier to bear.  

What makes taking our own lives change from being a possibility to becoming a certainty?  Perhaps for some this is the inevitable final destination of a solitary journey thoughtfully planned out, while for others it is a decision rooted in a broader intention yet made in a moment as the opportunity presents itself.  In either case could a kind word from a loved one, or even a stranger, have changed their course long enough for a different outcome to be considered?

Solitary Journey
Stories abound from people close to those who have taken their own lives who say they did not realise that anything was wrong, or at least not more wrong than usual.  Perhaps this illustrates how we become accustomed to the moods of those around us without appreciating the subtle changes that may be occurring.  We may accept another’s behaviour as being normal for them, even as any positive thoughts and feelings they have for the future start to ebb away.

As each experience is unique there may be few external signs that hope is fading.  Your brain may be whirring in a way that feels scarily out of control or you might be prey to the darkness of low moods when thoughts move sluggish and slow.  Both can create a sense of dislocation and a growing sense that we inhabit our own private world of pain and despair.  

Some of us feel we have become invisible to those around us as they do not see what we are really going through and we are unable to tell them.  We may feel that such a tenuous connection to the world can easily be broken and we will be lost.

Turning Away 
This growing sense of isolation may be the turning point that gives others a clue as to what is happening.  When people turn away from their friends or family, seem to lose interest in the world around them or appear to disengage from regular interactions with others they might be starting down a route that could lead to them taking their own life.  

Breaking the Silence
If you are having thoughts about taking your own life it is important to find someone to tell.  Talking to someone can break that sense of isolation and speaking your thoughts aloud can start to challenge the mindset that nobody really cares about you.  

Believing there is nobody you can to talk to might be part of why you feel the way that you do.   If there is not someone in your immediate circle you feel able to approach there is your GP Surgery and many local groups and organisations who can offer confidential support.  Having that first conversation can make a significant difference to how you feel.

If you have noticed a change in someone it may be that their thoughts have turned a corner and they are heading down the final stretch.   Do not be afraid that you will make it worse as there is no evidence to suggest that this will happen.  You do not need to have the answers to their problems, you are simply showing someone that you care enough about them to want to help.  

Ask them how they are and explain why you are asking.  You may have to ask more than once as our first defence is often to brush others off by saying we are fine.  Then try to listen without judgement to their story.  You may then be able to help them find people and organisations they can contact for further support.  Once you have had that first conversation it can be helpful to follow it up to see how they are getting on.

Reaching out may be enough to hold us until the storm subsides or we are able to find a firmer footing from which to see the world in a more positive way.

If you or someone you know, are feeling vulnerable or alone for whatever reason you can call the Samaritans anytime on 116 123.

© 2018 Michael Golding

​Most of us will be the keeper of a number of secrets throughout our lives.  Many will be for a limited time only, but some of us have bigger secrets we feel we can never tell.  This could be about something we have done, or left undone, or something that someone else has done to us.
 
Secrets and Shame
Perhaps the most common reason we are unable or unwilling to share certain secrets is from a sense of personal shame.  We feel ashamed and believe that others will judge us harshly and possibly see us in a poorer light if they knew more about us.  
 
This can be a powerful motivator and there are many situations in which the threat of being shamed is used by others to keep us from telling.
 
Who is being Protected?
It may be that we are protecting ourselves from the judgement of others.  While others may see us differently, some may also start to view themselves in a different light for not appreciating what was going on for us and perhaps not offering support.  It may be difficult for us to witness these feelings and so we may wish to avoid causing distress and having to deal with it.
 
By not sharing perhaps we can also pretend to ourselves that this did not happen, that we are not like that, and that this has not become part of our personal history.
 
Risky Assumptions
While it is natural to want to present ourselves in a good light, there is a risk in not giving others the full picture.   In the absence of certain information we will frequently fill in the gaps using our own experiences and, all too often, our imagination.  This can lead to people making assumptions about us that may not reflect reality. Interpreting our attitudes and behaviour through the lens of their own experiences risks misunderstanding how we have come to be this way and the beliefs and values that lie behind our thoughts and actions.
 
Knowing Another’s Secrets
While it can be beneficial to share your secrets, this may create difficulties for those you have chosen to share them with.  Holding information about another that you cannot act upon for fear of betraying their trust is a responsibility that can become a significant burden.  Family rifts frequently occur because some members know information that is being withheld from others. 
 
The Secret Self
Holding back can become second nature to us so as not to reveal our secret.  This risks creating a separate and secret self.  This is the person that nobody ever sees and so can never really get to know.   Like a double agent we have relationships with others while always keeping a separate part of our selves securely roped off.
 
People can never fully connect with us if they are only aware of part of the puzzle.  Even if they do not appreciate the reason why, this sense of being excluded will impact on their relationship with us.  It can set a limit to intimacy that may leave us feeling isolated and alone.
 
Carrying a Secret Burden
Secrets can fester and poison us or turn to stone and cripple us with their growing weight.  When we have carried a secret for a long time it can become so much a part of us that it would be like losing a limb to set it down.  We may even have come to define ourselves by our secret and to give it up might make us feel like we are becoming a different person.
 
Sometimes we can be so focussed on keeping the secret we neglect to reassess its importance as time passes.    A secret from long ago may not carry the same impact as customs and cultures change.  We may be able to view the actions of our younger selves through older and more sympathetic eyes.
 
Unburdening Ourselves
The antidote to keeping secrets is to share them with another.  A skilled counsellor may be a good place to start.  They will not judge us and will provide a safe space for us to voice our secret and the fears and anxieties that have kept it hidden.  It may not be as shameful as we think as others might view past incidents in a more sympathetic light.  Or it may yet start a chain of events that we have kept at bay for a very long time.  Hearing our secret spoken aloud may help us to re-evaluate it so we can then make an unfettered choice about our future.
 
Secrets separate us from others and make us isolated.  Perhaps there comes a time when the cost of keeping our secret is greater than the risk of sharing.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

​Compulsions are things we believe we need to do, even when there might not appear to be any rational justification for them.  They may be complex routines or simple actions that punctuate our day.
 
As children there is much we cannot control and we rely on others to do that for us.  Sooner or later there is a shift and we must start to take responsibility for our safety and wellbeing, and perhaps also for those that we love.
 
Rules for Living
We each develop our own very personal rules for living. This provides a framework that supports us in our daily lives.  These rules can be passed down through families or learned from those around us.  Some of these behaviours might be regarded by others as unnecessary, but they can be very important to us.
 
Some people have never been able to build any sense of trust, while for others something happens that shakes their confidence that all will be well.    Part of our response may be to develop a unique set of rules and behaviours that create in us a feeling of security through our ability to shape the future.
 
Variety of Compulsions
Many people have compulsions around keeping things in order.  Their desk or workshop has everything in its own special place.  While there may be advantages in maintaining this level or order, for some keeping the space neat over-rides any other activities.
 
There are compulsions around food which may not be extreme enough to put our health at risk but can affect our approach to eating and limit our choices.  Some people eat by food group or colour, eating all of one thing before starting on the next. 
 
A desire for order can require tasks to be carried out in a particular sequence or repeated for a set number of times.  For many people this can apply to their nightly checking of doors and windows before going to bed.  If the routine is interrupted then we must start again until it is completed.  Only then can we sleep soundly knowing our home is secure.
 
Safety through Control
Compulsions can be seen as a trade-off.  By carrying out certain actions we are hoping to ensure a particular version of the future.  Even without any obvious link between them, we feel we are doing something rather than passively accepting our fate.   What we do keeps us safe and gives us a sense that we are in control of our lives.
 
Emotional Insurance
Many of us struggle with uncertainty. Not knowing what the future may bring can be a constant cause of anxiety.   We can buy insurance to protect us from the possible effects of practical problems, but where can we find cover that will offset our fears about the future and how it might impact on ourselves and those we love?
 
Anchors or Millstones?
Change is all around us and the rate of change seems to be increasing.  While some people are able to go with the flow, many of us need some solid reference points to anchor us in the present.  The routines of our daily lives can provide us with a sense of stability in a changing world.
 
For some people these can start to dominate their lives. They may have a long list of things to be done in a particular way and interruptions mean starting afresh.  Simple actions repeated often enough can also become harmful, such as the skin problems that result from repetitive handwashing.
 
Habits, Preferences or Compulsions?
Perhaps you do things a particular way because you have always done it like this and it has become easy and familiar.  Maybe it is something you like to do but can easily do without.  Consider what it feels like when you are not able to carry out the tasks in the way that you wish.  Do you become frustrated or angry, or perhaps fearful or uncertain?  Is your emotional response in keeping with the situation or does it seem to be out of proportion?
 
Relaxing the Grip
If we can recognise the reality of the threats we are facing and appreciate our ability to meet and manage whatever may befall us, we may be able to break free of the negative thoughts and behaviours controlling our lives.
 
Particular problems have their own solutions, but a more general anxiety or fear about the future is harder to pin down.  Reaching out to others may help us to understand what lies behind these fears.  We may also begin to appreciate the resources that we are able to draw upon.
 
Perhaps then we can start to build the necessary faith and trust in ourselves and those around us.  Gradually we can develop our resilience and begin to believe that if the worst should happen we will not be crushed by it and that we will find a way through.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

Loneliness is on the increase.  While it has long been recognised as a problem for older people, many young people are now also reporting feeling isolated and alone.
 
As social institutions change it might seem that our culture is moving towards increased isolation so that we are less likely to interact regularly with others.  However it may be that we are not becoming detached from one another, but are connecting in different ways.
 
Loneliness does not Discriminate
Older people who have lost their partners and whose families have perhaps moved away are at a high risk of becoming lonely.  This can be made worse if they have mobility problems and cannot get out of the house easily or often.
 
Young people who have not yet built up their networks, or who have moved to a new area, may also feel a sense of isolation.  This is particularly true for those who have left home to study or pursue work opportunities.
 
Single parents and full-time carers of whatever age can sometimes find they are not able to keep up with friends and start to feel isolated and alone.
 
Sociability and Loneliness
It would be easy to think that introverts would be more vulnerable to loneliness than extroverts.  However introverts often have rich inner lives which can nourish them while extroverts draw their energy from being around other people and can suffer without this.
 
While it would seem obvious to join groups to avoid loneliness, for many of us this can actually reinforce our sense of dislocation.  Sometimes it is easier to tolerate feelings of isolation when you are by yourself than when you are in a crowd.
 
The Antidote to Loneliness
To avoid loneliness it is not enough simply to be around people.  We need to feel connected to others, to have people we care about and who we believe care about us.  This is what nourishes us.
 
Some people find it hard to connect with others as it requires them to open up.  Depending upon past experiences we may need to balance our desire for connection with the need to protect ourselves from being hurt by others.
 
A Shrinking World
Unless we make a conscious effort it is easy to let our world shrink around us.  Inevitably friends and family move away, children grow up and leave, and we lose contact with former colleagues when we change jobs or retire.   By not keeping up with current connections, or replacing them when they are lost to us, our world can shrink so we begin to feel we are alone in the world.
 
Staying Visible
While we might believe there is a good reason to hold back from contact with others, if we limit our connections with the world we may start to become invisible.  For some this can easily become a downward spiral.  When we create a habit of holding back we risk becoming a shadow moving through life without being noticed by others.
 
Identifying the Risks
When thinking about making major changes in our lives, such as moving jobs or home, it could be important to have an awareness of the risk of isolation.  The possibility of feeling lonely and isolated may not normally come into our planning, yet perhaps it should be a significant factor in our decisions rather than being an afterthought.
 
Authentic Relationships
Connecting effectively with others requires us to be ourselves.  When we pretend to be different from who we are we create a barrier.  Others will not be responding to us but who they think we are.  This can mean that we are engaging in a way that does not feel real.
 
While it is particularly easy to create a false self on social media, we can also misrepresent ourselves in our face to face relationships with others.  Staying behind a mask might feel necessary to protect ourselves but it creates a barrier not just to intimacy but possibly to any kind of genuine friendship.  It is the quality of the relationships that nourish us rather than their number.
 
Build and Maintain Connections
Just as loneliness can come from a sense of disconnection and isolation from those around us, the remedy is to start to make connections with others.  This can be through casual conversations with strangers, on buses, and in shops as well as joining groups and clubs of people with shared interests.  By building connections and then maintaining them we can continue to occupy a place in the world.
 
Social networking is often blamed for stopping us from maintaining real relationships, however it also provides an opportunity to connect with people around the world.  Whatever our interests there will be online groups made up of people who like the same things that we do.
 
Stepping Forward
When our mood is low it is tempting to turn away from other people and outside interests. Avoiding challenges might seem the only option when our confidence is shaky.  However stepping back, even for a short time, can make it that much harder to re-engage with the world.
 
When we are not feeling good about ourselves it may be particularly important to keep in practice by regularly interacting with people.  By stepping forward, however tentatively, we can start to reverse the process through forming and maintaining those relationships that can nourish us.  Showing that we are still open to the world also sends a signal to others, as bees do not buzz around a closed flower.
 
A skilled counsellor can be a useful support in overcoming any barriers to making and keeping contact with others and ensuring we keep our place in the world.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

I attended boarding school for six years during the 1970’s.   While every experience is unique, I know from interactions with other people that there are many common themes that seem to cut across gender, age and family circumstances.
 
While many children taken into care have experienced much worse, this would have been the last resort following a family breakdown.  In contrast, boarding school is regarded as a positive choice.
 
A Perfect Storm of Emotions
There is little that happened at boarding school that might not have happened in other settings.  There is the forced separation from family, the emotional neglect, the bullying and abuse, and the isolation and loneliness.
 
What makes this experience unique is that all of this happens at the same time to very young people who must learn to navigate their way in the face of its relentless repetition with little or no support.  There is no place to hide from this storm, particularly for the youngest and newest.
 
The Split between Home and School
Whether the journey is a bus ride or a flight across continents, the emotional distance between home and school can feel enormous.   Some children find that within a few weeks of arriving attachment ends and nurturing stops.  Whatever interest may be shown to a child at boarding school it is not the same as would ideally be shown by a loving parent.
 
For some youngsters the process of detachment had begun years before and they had already constructed a carapace to protect the softer creature within.  Others quickly learn to spin a cocoon to protect them from the emotional, and sometimes physical, assault that is their daily routine.
 
The dislocation between life at school and at home can lead to the creation of different identities.  These separate narratives do not always overlap.  Stories related out of context begin to have little meaning to the people at home and accumulate faster than they can be told.  Many incidents cannot be shared, either through our own shame at our role within them or from a desire to protect our family from uncomfortable truth. 
 
Some people struggled to create a life at home.  Even those with established friendships where they lived would find the gap widening without ongoing shared experiences.
 
Trust and its Absence
For some children the move to a boarding school was an expected transition, possibly even a rite of passage that had become family tradition.  Others looked for explanations as to why they were sent away, which needed to go beyond the practicalities.  They may harbour a sense of betrayal by people they trusted which may well be reinforced by the subsequent betrayals of those entrusted with looking after them.
 
Many of our housemasters had only recently qualified as teachers, and seemed only a little older than sixth formers.  As far as I know they had no special training in providing pastoral support.  There was no evidence of any particular skills, though there was the occasional act of kindness, and all seemed to struggle with the conflicting roles of befriending while having to maintain discipline.
 
A lack of trust that those around us will protect us can lead to a continuous state of heightened awareness.  We are constantly on the lookout for threats, which can appear at any time without warning.  This vigilance soon becomes second nature and we develop all the skills necessary to survive in this hostile environment.
 
The Use and Abuse of Power
Many aspects of our daily lives became an opportunity to reinforce the power relationships that ran through every activity like seaside names in a stick of rock.
 
I believe everyone at my boarding school was bullied in that we were all made to do things we did not wish to do.  Through pressure and intimidation, we lost our sense of personal control and were often made to behave against our own interests.   Some people were singled out for particular attention, those considered different from the rest and particularly those who cried or wet their bed.
 
Seniors were instrumental in helping the staff keep control of the rest.  This led to all kinds of collusion which unofficially created additional tiers of power, each with their own separate culture.
 
For those able to align themselves with the regime there was a sense of belonging.  For those who could not a feeling of always being wrong began to pervade every aspect of our lives.

​Relentless Routines
In keeping with most residential institutions, we were never alone.  This may be enjoyable for the extroverts but can become a major challenge for introverts.   The only possibility for down-time was at night, though when this is shared with a dozen others there are additional pressures.
 
All practicalities such as food and clothing, personal hygiene, homework and recreation were subject to their own set of rigid rules which nearly always involved queuing up, names being recorded and a lot of waiting around.
 
In so many situations getting through the task seemed to be a greater priority than how it might be experienced by any single individual.  It is easy then to see your own wants and desires as being peripheral to the relentless grinding of the machine.
 
Taking Care of Ourselves
Confusion over changing roles and the many layers of hard and soft institutionalised values can make it hard to find a solid place to stand.  One response is to draw upon your own resources and create a fortress that does not rely on any person, location or situation, but which you carry with you from dormitory to classroom and back again.
 
Many of us constructed a mask that was designed to show very little, as appearing not to care reduced our vulnerability.  It was easier to become a caricature than to risk revealing our true character.   Some were able to choose their own identity while the more vulnerable were given a badge they could not shake off.
 
Enduring can become more important than enjoyment, so you keep your head down and get through another day until the end of each term.   For those whose life at home was equally problematic the countdown would begin again.
 
There may have been times when we colluded with the bullies, grateful not to be the target, or failed to stand beside the victim for fear of also being tagged.  Such acts or omissions become a ready source of personal shame.
 
The imperative of fitting in means forcing square pegs through round holes. This can create temporary damage or permanent disfigurement.  Others pretended while hiding their edges, which came at a very different cost.
 
Impact on Development
We grew up in a bubble.  While this is the case for many children, ours was fixed in a cultural setting that seemed to have little relationship to home.  The role models that were perpetuated were not seen by everyone as relevant and to some seemed very separate from our lives outside.
 
Our weaknesses are often our strengths reversed and we became strong in some suits and weak in others. This balance may have been redressed in later life or our experiences may have reinforced our beliefs so that the gap continued to widen.  
 
We developed ways of coping that got us through these difficult times but which may have hampered our development and ability to move beyond this situation.  The identities we felt we needed to adopt may not be so easily shaken off when faced with a different set of priorities.
 
We were youngsters trying to make grown-up decisions about the world and how to behave in it.  We only had each other’s experiences to draw upon and these were not always to be trusted.
 
The Survivor’s Experience
There were plenty of people who thrived in this environment; at least I presume this was the case.   Even during the experience there was a strong sense that it was making us resourceful and self-reliant.  Yet how much armour did we put on and how well is it serving us now?
 
We may still have a shaky sense of our own personal value through never really understanding why we were sent away.   A self-belief that is not based upon self-knowledge but simply an inability to trust anyone else is not a solid place from which to build a life.
 
This forced self-reliance can result in us being very well defended and cultivating an emotional detachment that can sometimes border on numbness.   This can make it difficult for us to establish and maintain relationships, particularly those with an expectation of trust and intimacy.
 
Learning to fit in, and not get noticed by the bullies, helps us to judge a situation and get the best from it. However it may compromise our ability to understand our own needs and wants and to express them without shame. 
 
The unnamed fear that led us to develop an acute awareness of what is happening all around can continue long after the initial threat has passed.  This may leave us feeling uncertain and apprehensive.
 
Control issues around food, personal hygiene and daily routines can all result from being forced to comply with a system that seemed arbitrary and unforgiving.
 
Many of us are left with an overwhelming sense of shame for what we did, or did not do, or for what was done to us.  We are left with the belief that life is to be endured rather than enjoyed and sometimes we have to find a lot of courage to be happy.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding