​Many of us have felt like an imposter at some point in our lives.  Feeling this way a lot of the time can seem like living in a play written by someone else who will decide when our part comes to an end.
 
Valuing Ourselves and our Accomplishments
There is frequently a mismatch between how we see ourselves and what others think of us.  There are people whose upbringing means they feel secure, even entitled, who exaggerate their abilities.  Others may not have a secure base to build upon and are grateful for what they are given and always ready to have it taken away.
 
Most of us would wish to inhabit the middle ground where we have learned about our strengths and our weaknesses.  We have developed a reasonably accurate sense of our value and what we can accomplish.
 
Never Good Enough
Reflection can be helpful as it causes us to examine our true value and the real meaning of what we have achieved.  Chronic self-doubt can become crippling as we question everything and never feel that we are good enough.  Whatever we do or become is always tainted by a sense that it could be better.  This leaves us feeling empty and all our achievements seem hollow.
 
Feeling Undeserving
Our early years are instrumental in teaching us what we deserve.  Without realising we can absorb negative messages that can colour our expectations forever.  We may be told we are stupid or ugly, that we will never amount to anything or that we should set our sights very low so as not to be disappointed.
 
We underestimate our own value or over estimate what is needed to achieve and these feelings hold us back from ever trying for a greater prize.  We find ourselves settling for second best and being grateful for crumbs from another’s table.
 
Fear of Exposure
When we find ourselves somewhere that is more than we thought was possible, we may believe it is only temporary.  We imagine we are living someone else’s life and that one day everything will be taken away from us and given to another.
 
Feeling we are about to be discovered for who we really are, we are constantly preparing for the humiliation and shame we believe will inevitably follow.  This can be exhausting and a distraction which might even bring about the failure that we fear.
 
Accepting Compliments
When someone says something good we do not all hear the same thing.  Many of us have become deaf to compliments and only focus on negative comments.  Success becomes the absence of criticism.  This keeps us from taking any chances and aiming higher than our reach.
 
Stretching Ourselves
Punching above our weight is a common criticism.  Though sometimes used as banter, it also suggests a hierarchy and we are not as high up as we think.  Reaching beyond our current abilities can be about stretching ourselves so that we can do more.  We begin not knowing then through learning, experience and support we can move to another level.
 
Reality Check
We are told to push ourselves forward, big ourselves up and that confidence is everything.  However we have developed many ways to keep each other down. There is a quieter but more insistent voice that says this is not for us and we are fools to think otherwise.
 
Comparing ourselves with others will always leave us wanting. The myriad of media presents us with limitless opportunities for comparison.  Yet these are mythical people and even those around us are only showing us what they want us to see.  If we have the humility to recognise that most good fortune is a mix of effort, ability and luck we can perhaps accept that we did the best we could with what we had at the time. 
 
Finding our Authentic Voice
It can be a struggle to decide whose opinion counts.  We hear so many voices throughout our lives telling us who we are and how we should be.  Much of the time it can be hard to dial them down so we are able to hear ourselves speak our own beliefs, fears and ambitions.  When the words become truly our own we are no longer vulnerable to the conflicting stories told by those around us.
 
Perhaps if we can accept our faults and recognise our unique combination of experience and abilities, we can focus on simply becoming a better version of ourselves.  If we are all imposters then who is real?
 
© 2019 Michael Golding

​A couple of famous songs tell us to regret nothing or perhaps accept a few as long as we do it our way.  In reality regrets can easily accumulate, dragging us down so we spend more time looking backwards than forwards.
 
No Choices no Regrets
Regret can be the price we pay for the choices we make.  If we do not make many choices then perhaps we can avoid having too many regrets.  This risks having an unfulfilled life where we have avoided challenges and uncertainty.  Saying no can create a particular form of regret for what might have been.
 
Different Stages of our Lives
It might seem that when we are young we have so much ahead of us that we do not need to waste time reflecting upon the past.   In old age our biggest regret might be that we spent so little time reviewing our actions that we wasted so much more repeating them.  Perhaps we need to strike a balance between taking enough time to learn from consequences without dwelling too long upon them.
 
Repeating Patterns
It can be a hard lesson to learn that responding to situations in the same way will mostly bring about the same outcome.  If we do not appreciate this then we can easily fall into a repetitive cycle of regret.  We feel negatively about what has, or has not, happened but do not know enough about it to make the necessary shift to prevent it from happening again.
 
Understanding our Regret
Strong feelings of regret can be the starting point for permanent positive change.  Taking this as a headline we can unpick the various strands of the story to try and understand what did not work for us and why.  As well as feeling bad about the consequences of our actions, we may also be thinking of what might have happened if we had chosen differently.  This is the fantasy future that we imagine might have come about if we had acted differently.
 
Chances to Change
Each time a similar situation comes around we are being offered a chance to change.  This means appreciating that we have a choice and are not on a fixed track where we must go where we are sent.  Recognising that we can do things differently is the first step and perhaps regret is the spur daring us to change.
 
Importance of Context
Similar actions at different times may not always have the same outcome.  It may not be what we did but when we did it.  Nor do we act in isolation as there are often other players whose decisions contribute to shaping things.  Placing our actions within a context we can separate the foreground from the background and identify the relative impact of each on how this particular story unfolded.
 
Atonement
When others have been hurt or upset by choices we have made it may be that this needs to be addressed before we can put the experience behind us.   An acknowledgment such as an apology may be enough for some people as it shows we recognise the impact of our actions. Others might need us to make good by repairing the damage through more positive actions.  Atonement can be an important step in fully integrating all we have learned from our experience.
 
Mourn and Move On
The gift of regret is the knowledge of what to do differently.  By focussing on our actions, or inaction, rather than ourselves we can regret what we did rather than who we are or have become.  Reflecting on what might have been may also be a necessary part of the process.  We may need to mourn the loss of possible futures we might have imagined for ourselves.  If we are unable to try again, we must let them go or they will drag us down.  By fully appreciating what happened we can learn to embrace the experience, accept that it is a part of what has made us who we are and move on.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding

Being abandoned brings a unique mix of emotions because it can raise important questions that might remain unanswered for the rest of our lives.
 
Different Forms of Abandonment
The feeling comes from having being left behind, often suddenly, and usually without any explanation.  It may be a partner or a parent leaving to pursue another life that we may never be a part of; a child that runs away who is never heard of again; or even someone dying suddenly and leaving us alone.
 
Whatever happens, it can feel as if someone has rejected the life they shared with us and chosen to go somewhere we cannot follow.
 
The Fallout from Being Abandoned
When a relationship ends there will always be unanswered questions.  When this happens suddenly without sufficient explanation those questions may continue to reverberate throughout our life.  The emotional ripples will affect each of us differently.  We may feel excluded, possibly even rejected, and carry a sense of loss for the unknown life that might have been.  Without the comfort of having any context within which to place the event, we are left uncertain with only our imagination to help us fill in the gaps.
 
Different Impact for Children and Adults
Children tend not to have developed a solid sense of their identity and so could be more vulnerable to creating a negative story in which they are to blame for the actions of others.  They are also at risk of developing a sense that this is all they deserve and a persistent fear that it will happen again which may affect all of their future relationships.
 
Adults tend to have a stronger sense of self and so could be less likely to draw conclusions which position them as villains in the story.  However doubts are likely to persist and fear of exclusion or rejection can feed into our future emotional responses.  We are part of the story but we may struggle to find a role that fits.
 
A Form of Loss
Abandonment is a unique form of loss.  We have lost the image of the person we thought we knew as their unexpected actions demonstrate how wrong we were about them.  Gone too is the future we believed we would share.  We may also have lost a sense of ourselves as a good person if we do not deserve someone to stay around or at least to stay in touch. At the very least our judgement of others has been undermined.
 
While it can be important to mourn your loss this can seem impossible if you are unsure what you have lost, why and who is to blame.
 
Creating a Context
Being able to move on requires us to have a credible story we can tell ourselves and others. The child of a single parent must rely upon the possibly biased account of the one left behind.  The adopted child may have nobody to tell them the reason why.  Children leaving the parental home without warning create a space that exists forever.
 
It can be hard to imagine a realistic context for any situation when it is seen through a veil of complex emotions.  
 
Unanswered Questions
The future slate has been wiped clean but the past remains to be scrutinised again and again in the search for clues.  Often our focus will be on what we did or did not do, though perhaps the most elusive thread is whether there is anything we can still do to bring them back into our life.  Resolution requires us to deal with these questions, even if it means accepting that we may never know.
 
Secret Shame
It is tempting to conclude we were abandoned because we were not valued enough for them to stay around or to take us with them.  Believing that others will draw a similar conclusion can mean we keep from sharing that part of our lives.  Carrying this secret shame will affect the way we see ourselves and what we feel we deserve from others. Holding back parts of our story can be a barrier to intimacy and allows unspoken beliefs to fester unchallenged.
 
Responsibility not Blame
Perhaps if we can identify a different villain for our story we will be able to move beyond blaming ourselves.  While there may have been a number of villains, blame is unlikely to help us close the chapter and move ahead unhindered.  If the goal becomes understanding rather than judging, then responsibility can be apportioned without blame.
 
Closing the Chapter
A possible starting point is to recognise that another’s actions are not our responsibility. We are not accountable for their choices, even though we may have had a role to play.   Find a story that fits what you know and that does not include too many guesses.  Avoid creating devils and angels, but instead view the characters as people trying to resolve situations the best way they knew how however flawed that may have been.  Finally try to let go of what you cannot know, so that you are able to turn the page and move ahead without always looking back.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding
 

​Many of us look forward to the Christmas holidays.   It is a time when families and friends come together and share memories of the past and hopes for the future.  We exchange gifts and enjoy delicious meals.  While this may be what makes Christmas special, these are also reasons why some find it one of the most difficult and stressful times of the year.
 
The Meaning of Christmas
Religious stories play a significant role for many people, and the nativity can have a particular attraction for children.  Whatever this may mean for us, it is also a holiday which stretches from Christmas Eve through to the celebrations that accompany New Year. 
 
For many of us Christmas is about getting together with extended families, buying and wrapping gifts, decorating our homes inside and out and cooking a wider variety of things to eat.   Coupled with New Year celebrations it can be a time for taking off the brakes and not holding back. 
 
Recapturing the Past
Many people’s vision of Christmas dates back to the Victorian period and Charles Dickens, though every culture has their own traditions.  Common to all is perhaps nostalgia for an experience of the past, possibly imagined through the innocent eyes of a child.
 
Many of us try hard to recreate this in the hope that we can escape the pressures of today and experience the simple joys, expectation and delight that we remember from our own childhood whether real or imagined.
 
Making this One the Best
Every year we are encouraged to make this Christmas better than the last and in this time of austerity it is tempting to try to make up for any disappointments we may have experienced during the year.
 
It is hard not to make comparisons between our experiences and the idealised ones we see on television and that we imagine are taking place behind the frosted windows of other peoples’ homes.
 
The Other Side of Christmas
There is another side to Christmas. Spending time with people because we owe them a visit rather than wishing to see them can lead to tensions that can emerge as conflict.  Relationships that are shaky might struggle to survive the intensity of the period.
 
There are additional pressures in cooking larger and more complex meals possibly under greater scrutiny.  Those with issues around food or alcohol can struggle with the focus on family celebrations.
 
Trying to stretch limited resources may mean beginning the year with an even bigger mountain to climb.   This can cast a long shadow and if presents miss their mark there is every risk this will turn to resentment and recriminations.
 
This anniversary often calls to mind loved ones who are no longer with us.  Emphasising families being together can highlight the sense of loneliness experienced by people of all ages.  People living alone and those who are anxious, depressed or have phobias may find the pressure to socialise an additional challenge.
 
Having your Best Christmas
Perhaps there is another way to make this one the best.  Maybe we can let ourselves, and each other, off the hook by having a Christmas that means something just for us and those we care about.
 
If we can be realistic about what is possible and clear about what we want then we can negotiate something that works for everyone.  This means managing our expectations and those of others, such as setting limits for children and not travelling around the country to fulfil unwanted commitments.
 
If we try to stay in the moment and avoid thinking about how things should or could be, we can enjoy what is and not be bothered by assumptions about what may be happening behind other peoples’ front doors. 
 
Looking outwards rather than inwards we could think about our wider community and what we might do to ease the pressure on others.  This could be supporting the food bank, inviting a neighbour round or helping out at a lunch club.
 
If we are open and honest about our needs and expectations, then perhaps we will have an easier and more enjoyable time.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

​Feeling that you have been betrayed can be one of the hardest experiences to overcome.  It can rock our world because it upends our beliefs and shakes our trust in ourselves and the world around us.

Forms of Betrayal
For most of us the word invokes thoughts of relationships where someone has an affair and is then found out.  However there are many other discoveries that can feel equally traumatic.  Any time we have been encouraged to believe something which turns out not to be true can be experienced as a betrayal.  

Realising that adults do not always have our best interests at heart; discovering that friendships are not what they seem; seeing leaders we admire exposed for not embodying the values they espouse; as well as finding out that people do not feel the same way about us as we do about them. 

Any betrayal can cause trauma that might need to be normalised and a sense of loss that might have to be mourned.

Rules for Living
As children many of us are told of the importance of working hard and not breaking the rules and how we will then be rewarded with a happy and successful life.  Those of us who experienced a less stable childhood may have come to believe that if we behave well and do not wilfully hurt others than we will be kept safe.  

To avoid living in a state of anxiety we need to feel safe and secure.  To achieve this it helps if we can believe that the world around us is based upon fairness and justice.  We might even base this on a bargain we make that rewards what we believe is good behaviour.

What is Lost?
The pain of betrayal is often felt so strongly because it reaches to the heart of our belief system and challenges the foundations upon which we have built our lives. 

When someone betrays us they give us proof that our perception of them, and perhaps the world as a whole, was wrong.  They are not as honest as we thought they were, they are not as strong as we thought they were, they are not as loving as we thought they were.  Who is responsible for these misconceptions?  Were they always this way or have they changed without us noticing?  Did they fool us or did we fool ourselves?

Not only is the world, and the people in it, not as we believed them to be but we must now question our ability to understand and correctly evaluate the actions and motives of those around us.  The mechanisms that we have developed to guide us through life have failed us and it can feel like we have to go back to the beginning and start again.

In addition to the trauma of having our beliefs fundamentally challenged, we have also lost the future that we imagined for ourselves as whatever we decide to do things will never be the same again.  Part of our recovery may well include mourning this loss.

What did I do Wrong?
People often talk about feeling foolish after a betrayal as if they should have known what was going on.  Others may struggle to accept the unfairness of it and may begin to question whether there is something that they have done that might have brought this about.  For many of us it can be easier to blame ourselves than another.

While they have let you down by reneging on any promises they might have made, perhaps we do need to take some responsibility for having imagined they were capable of something that they were not.

Explanations not Excuses
Betrayal is often seen in terms of victims and villains with emotions to match, but this risks us failing to appreciate the complexity of the situation.  Once the initial shock has subsided, exploring the reasons for the betrayal can help to put it into context.  We can begin to appreciate why it happened and also gain a clearer understanding of our role in the drama. 

This could be useful in deciding to what extent, if any, we colluded with any cover-up or ignored signs that things were not as they seemed.  It may also help us take a view on whether it was a one-off or is likely to be repeated.  This is not about excusing the betrayal but trying to understand it.

Rebuilding Belief
While personal betrayal is a very painful experience it takes us from a world of assumptions to a closer reality of who we are sharing our life with.   We now have a more accurate understanding of who they are so that any decision about the future is based upon lived experience rather than assumptions.

In order to move forward we may need to revise our view of the people around us and decide how much we will allow them to affect our lives.  This does not mean that they can continue to be their worst self and we must accept that.   We now know what they are capable of and can take a more informed view of any commitment they may make in the future.

Our trust in ourselves and our ability to assess how trustworthy others might be may also need to be restored.   Some conclusions about ourselves and the world we inhabit have been shown to be false.  Depending on the extent of the betrayal we may need to take time to reconstruct our view of the world.  Alternatively it may be that we can simply accept our fallibility and allow this to become part of our new world view.

Counsellors can support people, both individually and as a couple, in understanding the detail of why things happened and help us to decide how we wish to move forward.

© 2018 Michael Golding