Life is experienced in the present.  When we reflect on the past and imagine the future we are doing this within the present moment.  For most of us this moment is experienced as being a fixed point from which we look out onto the world.  As each moment passes it would be easy to assume that the point from which we view or experience them is always the same.  The idea that you cannot dip your hand twice into the same place in a moving river is a way of looking at the passage of time.  However this suggests that while the water flows, our position on the bank remains fixed.  This is not the case.  We are viewing an evolving landscape from a moving viewpoint, so we experience a kind of double parallax.

The passing of time means that we are always changing, as is the world around us, though mostly this is experienced as happening very slowly.  However, there are other aspects of this point from which we experience our world which are more noticeably different from one moment to the next.  

A simple example would be how our ability to concentrate fluctuates throughout the day and across the week.  While this may be rooted in metabolic function, our capacity to understand and interpret what is happening around us is affected, which then impacts on our ability to connect with other people.  Ideas and emotions that are easy to access and appreciate at certain times may become elusive.  This changing dynamic will impact directly on how we view the world and will be reflected in the way that others respond to us, which will be affected by their own current states of being.  

The changes in our ability to concentrate suggest there are a range of values and that we move between them.  All ranges can produce an average and it may be tempting to take this as being the real us.  To arrive at a single value would require us to map these levels over time to establish their frequency.  Would this mean that my experience either side of that average is less real and that during those times I am less truly myself?  

There are other aspects of my emotional state which fluctuate, such as my anxiety and my confidence. These are not just a product of my own state but are affected by environment and the people I meet. Irrespective of how I may be feeling initially, my confidence will be affected by the situations I find myself in and the way I am treated by those around me.  They will also be affected by me, so together we create a dynamic interaction that will change from one moment to the next. 

We could broaden the parameters to extend to opposites.  During every day we move between sadness and joy. For some people this can extend into depression while others reach towards mania.  Whatever the limits, there is always movement between the two positions from one moment to the next.

Rather than focus on a middle position, I believe it is better to acknowledge the variation as movement between two points with all positions being equally real and equally valid.  In considering so many aspects of me, being on a spectrum moving between two separate positions, rather than at any fixed point, more accurately reflects my experience.

This can provide a model for human development as it allows for movement in whatever parameter we choose.  Variation means that we are already moving back and forth, so we can drive this movement in our chosen direction.  Perhaps we can achieve this incremental change by focussing on what is needed to promote that movement.  With learning and skills development we can move along the spectrum and by sustaining this effort establish our upper and lower limits in a different place.

This also provides us with a model for difference as we can choose to regard everyone as being positioned along the same spectrum.   If we consider our range of skills and attributes extending in each direction then they will overlap with others who are at a different position from us.  Like us they will be constantly moving, sometimes closer to how we are and sometimes further away.  As long as we view the spectrum from left to right perhaps we can avoid the assumed value judgement that lies behind higher and lower.  It would be wonderful simply to acknowledge difference without assigning positive and negative values.

I embrace the knowledge that we are all constantly changing, orbiting around one another in an endless interactive dance.  When looking either side from our current position memory describes the past and imagination the future.  Only the way we are in this present moment can we be considered to be our true selves.

© 2014 Michael Golding

I use this phrase to refer to the ordinary empathy that all of us could show to one another every day, rather than the special empathy of the therapist or care professional.  In reality there is probably little difference between the two except in the frequency, and possibly the intensity, with which they are experienced.

For me empathy is easy to define but not always easy to achieve.  It could be said that there are degrees of empathy, and perhaps total empathy is only achieved for precious moments at a time.  I wonder if this variance in degree also explains why there are so many conflicting views of what it is and how it can be achieved.

I believe that there are two separate elements that need to be combined for an empathic connection to be made.   The first step is properly attending to the other person.  This is much more than simply listening to any words that are being spoken.  It is about paying attention with all of our senses to what is actually being communicated.  A simple example would be somebody telling you they are fine when their face looks troubled or their body seems to be sagging as though shouldering an invisible weight.  A more complex example would be someone seeming to talk about one thing when they are really talking about something else.  In both cases the true meaning of what is being communicated goes beyond the words being used.

Giving someone our full attention also means listening without presuming to know what is being said.  When someone is talking it can be tempting to assume that we understand what they are saying even before they have finished their sentence.  This may be through a cultural short-hand or familiarity based on previous experience.  To facilitate dialogue it is easy to use these assumptions to prepare our own response while the other continues to speak, even though this risks missing out on some of the detail of what is being said.  The exchange that results may be dynamic but will struggle to achieve any depth. 

There are many phrases that we use to reassure the other that we have understood which have themselves become further obstacles to communication.  Telling someone that you have heard them is unnecessary.  If it is true then it does not need to be said, but if the point has been missed then saying this will add another layer to the barrier that is growing between you.  

Studies of micro-expressions show that we unconsciously provide a range of information through our facial muscles and other gestures that communicate our thoughts and feelings.  Work carried out with babies and animals have highlighted the accuracy and importance of these non-verbal indicators.  The words we use can illuminate the stories we wish to tell, but can also obscure their meanings, whether intentionally or not.   Where there is uncertainty about what is being communicated we can ask for further clarification or check out the accuracy by recounting what we believe we have understood.  All the information that we need to understand one another is before us, we simply need to take notice.

The second element, and where I believe attempts at empathy so often break down, is using our imagination.  Empathy begins with our ability to imagine what it would be like to be the other person experiencing the situation they have described.  This is very different from remembering when something similar happened to us, or to someone we know, and sharing our understanding.  This would be relating to the experience of another.  Neither is it imagining what it would be like if it happened to us and focussing on how we might feel in the same situation.  This is identifying with the experience of the other and, if we are feeling negative emotions, we may sympathise with them.

Both of these responses have their place but are based on our experience, whether real or imagined.  If the situation were to be experienced by us it would be different from the account that we are hearing.  While the supposed familiarity of the experience could give us a feeling of having made a connection, we may well have created an obstacle to any real understanding.  Empathy is imagining what it was actually like for the other person. 

When we apply ordinary empathy we have the opportunity to understand one another better.  This is because we are not interpreting through a comparison with our own lives, we are endeavouring to understand the other’s life as lived by them.  We gain a greater insight into who they are and why they do what they do and, as a result, we will be better able to connect with them. 

The consequences of a failure to connect can be significant and may increase over time.  Initially my inability to understand what you wish me to know means we cannot bridge the gap between us.  The more failed attempts there are, the harder it will become.  Repeated failures may mean that one or both of us gives up trying.  Not understanding how another person thinks or feels leads to separation, and possibly isolation, and will be a constant barrier to intimacy.

I believe that empathy, and the intimacy that results, is a way of overcoming the existential isolation that we experience throughout our lives.  Fully appreciating the lives of others allows us to form connections.  Understanding others helps us to understand ourselves. Valuing another to the point where we put ourselves to one side so that we can truly connect with them is a measure of how much we care for them. 

Empathy does not need to be taught.  There was a time before we knew spoken language when all we had to rely on was our understanding of the visual clues offered to us by others.  We need to dial down the white noise of our own egos and assumptions to connect with the purer notes being broadcast to us.  Once the details are understood, our imagination can create a bridge into the hearts and minds of another.

© 2014 Michael Golding

As a child I was taught to value personal and professional integrity and, traditionally, our social hierarchies have been structured around these values.  However, there are numerous examples of people who have found success by denying their true selves.  These could be people exaggerating their work histories, perhaps inventing or embellishing their qualifications, or more obvious forms of deception such as lying about the life they have lived. 

These false stories may be the result of self-delusion, which might be intentional or have come about through the influence of others, or they could be created through a deliberate attempt to mislead.  Either case would mean that there is a second story that may be in awareness but that is being kept back.

Any success that is achieved through the promotion of this false self will be due in part to our willingness to accept the stories that they have chosen to tell to us.  Some perpetrators would call this gullibility, which suggests that it is our fault that we have been taken in and is for me a poor attempt at shifting responsibility. Behind any intentional deceit lies a lack of respect, possibly even contempt, for those being deceived.  

There are many examples of people whose stories did not reflect their real intentions as evidenced by their actions.   Once their true selves were revealed people recalled aspects of their stories that had not appeared to be authentic but which were not challenged at the time.  We seem to be particularly tolerant of this lack of authenticity in public figures such as entertainers and politicians.  Why would we choose to collude with this deceit when we are able to detect a lack of authenticity in the stories of others?

For me the explanation begins with the stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves and that we are then able tell to others.  I believe it is through comparison with our own accounts of our own experiences that we are able to validate those of other people.   Perhaps when we are misrepresenting our own portraits and histories we are more willing to accept the fabricated accounts of others.

I imagine that the earliest stories we create for ourselves would be constructed from mirror reflections of those around us.  As children we may look to other people to tell us how we are then we try it out to see if there is a good fit with what we believe to be real about ourselves.  Though initially we may need to rely on others, we soon begin to develop our own understanding of what is right for us.  This requires a naturally growing sense of self which we can regularly test against our lived experience.  For all of us there will be plenty of people in our lives eager to tell us who we are and how to be.  These may be people we interact with or characters that we come to know through other routes. 

Problems will arise if our sense of self does not develop sufficiently strongly to resist the multiple messages coming from those around us.  They too are continuously developing their narratives and where these lack the integrity of being rooted firmly in their personal reality, may require validation from others through a collusive inauthenticity.  To understand the reasons behind this we would need to look at the payoffs for all concerned in sustaining this false dynamic.  Perhaps our willingness to accept a lack of authenticity in others allows us the same opportunity.  

The journey towards authenticity is a life-time project that both accumulates and evolves. There is a continuous cycle of gaining knowledge about ourselves through imaginative understanding and then seeing how it works for us as a lived reality.  We can use feedback from both the external world of our relationships with others and our internal world of intuitive understanding.  The double touchstones of head and heart will tell us when our compass is pointing the right way, and the more often it is brought into play the more accurate it will become.  Intuitively and objectively, we come to know what feels right for us and what is working well for us in our experiences of others.  This is a spiral that we continue to work our way around as we move ever closer to our authentic core.

There will always be challenges in trying to remain authentic in all that we do, however I believe that there are greater dangers in not acting in line with our authentic selves. Swimming against the tide will always be harder than swimming with it, and we will make slower progress.  The same will be true when acting against your true self.  There are implications for psyche and soma, mind and body, of not being our true selves.  The most obvious outcome is stress.  Though not always a negative, it is not sustainable for any length of time and will lead to a myriad of negative impacts that are well documented.

Sometimes being authentic can also feel like we are moving against the current when the situation seems to require a behavioural response that is out of keeping with our authentic self. There is a difference between being authentic and acting in an authentic way.  We can choose to behave in a way that is not in line with our authentic selves.  We will not be drawing upon the best in us and such situations can only be endured for a short time without incurring some negative impact.

How authentic is the view that you have of yourself, of what is important to you and what is particular about you?  How is this reflected in the stories that you tell others?  No matter how hard it may be to act in line with our authentic selves, I believe that the outcome will reward the effort.  Once we are in touch with our own authentic selves we are also better able to recognise the authentic, and the false, in others.

A balanced wheel can spin at high speed for long periods without any wobbling or vibration that would cause it to fail; a well-trimmed sail does not flap or buzz but curves gracefully, silently capturing the power of the wind. There are plenty of metaphors that describe sustained high performance through matching qualities to purpose.  Perhaps it is only when we fully understand our qualities that we may truly know our purpose.  

© 2014 Michael Golding

Stories taken from the lives of others are frequently offered to us as inspirational examples.  These may be religious figures or people from history as well as those who stand out within our own lifetimes as having achieved something unique whether in business, sport or the arts.   

Every age has its icons, and increasingly many aspects of our popular culture also produce a steady stream of people whose lifestyles, irrespective of their achievements, are held up as something for us to aspire to. The motivation behind these popular promotions is often overtly financial, encouraging us to buy into an idea, whether explicitly through purchasing products or implicitly through encouraging the routine viewing of programmes that generate income less directly.  Whether we pick from the selection offered or seek out our own, there are both positives and negatives in focussing on the lives of others in this way.

It is also common for those who are regarded as having been successful to speak directly about their lives. There is an established lecture circuit and regular opportunities to entertain through after-dinner speaking. Whatever the venue, singular people are paid to talk about what they think lies behind their success.

However, these stories about other people often lack detail.  The Entrepreneur seen by those outside their business sector can be viewed as having exceptional skills, which the better informed will recognise as common-place.  Potted histories can never tell the whole story and do not always provide sufficient context to support proper scrutiny.   More importantly they also tell a story that is being evaluated retrospectively.

It seems to me that these attempts to identify specific skills result instead in identifying personality traits, which are often too vaguely defined to be of any wider value and so remain elusive.  Success is often a well-judged, or lucky, response to an external situation.  Where this has a positive outcome we have a role model, where the outcome is negative we are an unlikely to hear about it.

Many of us who have struggled with formal education delight in reading about successful people who dropped out of the established system for education or work and still achieved a position of respect. However, there are many more people who took the same route without a positive outcome whose names we will never know.

While extremes of performance or endurance can be inspiring they can also be daunting.  What may begin by making us feel that anything is possible may, when the euphoria has passed, reinforce a belief that this is the case for other people but not for us.  

I have experienced a cycle that began with interest which turned into admiration. The admiration changed to inspiration, which for a short time could possibly have become motivation.  However, the differences between our stories soon started to emerge in sharper relief leaving me more deflated than before.

It is interesting to consider the lives of successful people but by their nature they are unique stories, often about unique situations, so their particular route to achievement cannot be replicated.  Our own life stories are unlikely to correlate in factual detail with any of them, not least because we are reading about an interpretation of the past.

When viewed as examples of how people have overcome emotional or spiritual difficulties, such stories can be inspiring and can reach across time.  Rather than focussing on the events of the story, their emotional responses show us something that we can relate to in a way that can produce a positive outcome. Identifying with personal qualities, their values, emotion and commitment can be helpful; trying to replicate their story or particular circumstances is a dead-end.  Connecting with the passions and values of others will enrich and inspire us.  Using the stories of the lives of others as a route map will lead us nowhere.

Rather than focussing on the lives of others in search of a role model, I believe it is more useful for us to draw inspiration from any parallels in our emotional lives.  Considering the actions of people at the extremes inspires awe but is unlikely to inspire action.  Perhaps our role models should be ordinary heroes, not examples of the best but of the best possible.

I do not think it is useful for us to focus for long on stories about the success of others.  Each path is different and the limits of our possibilities and the efforts required to achieve them are seldom the same.  It would be sad for their imagined voices to drown out our own.  

© 2014 Michael Golding

I thought that I was doing well in my new role.  I had brought focus and structure to the organisation through applying my knowledge and skills in key areas such as operational delivery, managing people and strategic planning.  On my appointment I had made it clear that I was inexperienced in organisational financial management and that I would need additional support.  This support was very late in coming and in the meantime I put together a simple system that allowed me to monitor the organisational finances and prepare reports for the Board.  This was much more effective than the processes already in place, and initially I was able to expand it further to meet the increasing needs of the organisation as it grew.  The Chair and the rest of the Board seemed satisfied and appeared to have all of the information they needed to support their financial planning.  Every year I quizzed the accountants about the suitability of these arrangements, and was told that while it was unorthodox it seemed to be working well and they saw no reason to change.

Several years passed and the scale of the organisation, and the range of services it was providing, had increased significantly along with the complexity of the external environment.   With my home-grown systems I was now barely holding my own, though it was only much later when faced with extreme financial pressures and dwindling reserves that this became fully apparent.  

I had been comparing my performance with my expectation of what I would be able to do.  I was surprised by what I had achieved and so I wrongly assessed the outcome, exaggerating its true value.  This was probably also the case for those around me.  Had we made comparisons with other similar organisations, rather than with our expectations of our own abilities, we may have noticed the gap a lot sooner.  While perhaps I was flourishing personally, after a time this became less than was needed.

I had learned a lot and was able to stretch the limits of my ability and understanding in a particular area, where before I had only theoretical knowledge.  I was satisfied with the results but in this particular case I was using the wrong measuring stick.  I was looking to my expectations and those close to me to measure my performance.  Had I looked a little further, beyond my own immediate situation, I could have made more useful comparisons.  In the beginning I was flourishing but at some point this positive individual experience began to have a negative impact on the organisation that for a time nobody seemed to notice. 

It is not just about what I was able to do and what was best for me.  Whatever may have been happening for me, the organisation as a whole was far from flourishing.  My distress flares finally received a response from the Board and at a time of financial crisis we had to completely reorganise our financial structures using our limited resources to purchase high-level external expertise.  I was later severely penalised for some of my financial management decisions. 

I believe that we are here to flourish both individually and collectively. This puts a responsibility on us to help others to flourish, and to help create an environment in which we can all flourish.  This argument is easy to make when we talk about children, but I believe it continues to be valid for all of us at every stage of our lives.

Flourishing is not a once in a lifetime experience, nor is it a plateau which we aim to reach so we can then stop striving.  We may achieve what is best for us today but another day is another situation.  We therefore continue, not starting again but building upon what we have learnt about ourselves and the world that we inhabit.  This can be imagined as a spiral that moves continuously through a range of similar processes and which progresses ever upwards.  Each time-cycle brings its own circumstances and just as you cannot step into the same place twice in a flowing river, no two seasons are the same.  Extending this metaphor, if you fail to flourish at any time as you work your way around, it will not keep you from flourishing in the future.

Your best might be enough for now but if you do not continue to grow, either through lack of ability or interest, your best may not always be enough for a particular situation and it is important to acknowledge this without shame. 

 © 2014 Michael Golding