Everybody feels anxious from time to time.   Common examples are the feelings young people get before taking an exam, while many adults feel anxious before giving a speech.  Performance nerves can help us to focus, but for many of us these feelings get in the way of our enjoyment. 

For some people these feelings are so strong their lives are severely affected.  They start to avoid certain situations, particularly those involving other people, which can result in them becoming isolated and withdrawn.
 
There can be long term physical effects from high levels of anxiety such as eczema and other skin disorders and muscular tension can lead to back and neck pain or headaches.  There can also be a general exhaustion particularly when our sleep is affected.
 
Symptoms of Anxiety
Anxiety is often felt in the chest and throat, affecting our breathing which can become short and shallow.  This can lead to feeling light-headed and a sense of separation from our surroundings as if we were in our own little bubble.  Our voice may be become cracked or shaky, higher in pitch or we might lose our voice altogether. 
 
Levels of Anxiety
We all expect to feel some anxiety before an important event.  We notice it building then peak as the event gets under way.  We would then expect the feelings to fade once the event is over.
 
For some people this peak can be excessive and very hard to manage.  They may start to feel out of control and may find their hands shaking and their voices becoming croaky.  This limits their ability to perform effectively and affects their enjoyment.   Over time it may significantly affect their wellbeing.
 
There are also people who are in a permanently agitated state.  For them any temporary increase in anxiety comes at a high price with all of the expected symptoms being significantly exaggerated and therefore much harder to manage.  It may also take much longer for the feelings to subside.
 
Free Floating Anxiety
When these feelings come upon us without a recognisable source they are referred to as free-floating anxiety.  The cause is hard to pin down and it can be unpredictable as there are no clear triggers.  This may be rooted in not feeling safe as a child growing up or losing someone, such as a parent or partner, who created a feeling of safety. 
 
Being in a stressful situation for a long period can also cause such feelings to become a permanent part of our lives.  Having this anxiety always in the background is challenging for us and when an anxiety provoking situation occurs our feelings can go off the scale.
 
Panic Attacks
A panic attack is particularly unpleasant and very upsetting for the person experiencing it and those around them at the time.   It can be so disturbing that the fear of having such an attack can dominate people’s lives.  People have described the sensation as being like having a heart-attack with particular emphasis on being unable to breathe.  Some people fear they will collapse while others have an overwhelming impulse to run away.  In both cases there is fear of losing physical control.
 
My understanding is that people become overwhelmed to the point where they cannot contain their emotions.  This may be the result of a single event or an accumulation of circumstances with the final trigger being something that seems almost trivial to an outsider.
 
Managing Anxiety
I believe there are two aspects to successfully dealing with anxiety. First learning to manage the feelings in real time when they occur, and then exploring the origins of these feelings and identifying their triggers. 
 
Many successful techniques are based on feeling grounded.  Deep breathing with a short inward breath and a long outward breath increases our feelings of calm.  The physical sensation of being grounded can come from touching solid objects and feeling the ground beneath our feet.  Awareness of our body and its physical surroundings through movement may also counter feelings of being out of control and disconnected.
 
For people who are experiencing an underlying level of anxiety that seems to have no obvious cause it might be helpful to reflect upon aspects of your life which were unsettling and particularly any recent changes.  Counsellors are trained to work with people to explore the origins of these feelings and to help them develop strategies to manage their symptoms as they occur.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

There is a much quoted aphorism about the benefits of teaching people to fish over simply giving them fish to eat.  What is not included in the story is that when you teach someone to fish, it may be a while before they catch anything.  If their need is now, it may be too long to wait till they have learned the necessary skills to be consistently successful.  They may even be distracted by their current need and not be able to fully engage with your teachings.
 
The ideal solution is the one which most effectively addresses both current and future needs.  Is it better to have someone come and do the work for you or for someone to show you how to do the work?  If the task is something that will only be required once during the lifetime of the organisation, or requires a level of expertise that takes a long time to achieve, then clearly buying in the talent makes sense.  If the skills are going to be needed regularly, and will enhance the talent pool of the team, then training would seem to be a sensible option.
 
Perhaps, though, there is more to this process of involving others in our business.  Getting in an outsider may bring new perspectives, but also allows senior managers to shift some of the responsibility for decision-making outside of the organisation.  Where the consultant organisation is a recognised leader in the field, or even simply a very large organisation, there can be an assumption that they know more than we do and that we should do whatever they suggest.  Of course if it turns out not to be helpful then we can blame them.
 
This deference to another’s expertise can come at a high price for while they may have knowledge of other similar organisations that they have worked with, do they really understand the history and culture of your particular group of people?  In some ways more importantly, how easy will it be to deliver top down change which has been designed and developed by outsiders?
 
Word of mouth is regarded as the single most useful measure in gaining business for consultants and their organisations.  We recommend a good builder because we can see the results of their labours.  On what basis can we truly recommend a consultant whose advice and support might not deliver results for several years?  Even when the results are positive, without the benefit of a control we have no way of measuring this intervention against any other we might have chosen, including doing nothing.
 
A list of former clients is important but for many organisations, particularly those in the public sector, the fact that another organisation similar to yours may have used their services is often seen as being enough without any evaluation of the benefit received, particularly in relation to the cost.
 
There is an often repeated story among government departments that they would not consider hiring anyone with a daily rate below a certain figure.  This is based on the assumption that if their charges are low then they can’t be any good.  There is both good and bad sense in this and neither obviate the risk inherent in bringing unknown outsiders into your organisation to tell you how it should be run.
 
Consultants bring a range of skills but the most important, from their point of view, is to be able to convince you that they know exactly what needs to be done.  This is a skill which is not transferred as part of the transaction and so you need to keep going back for more.  Indeed, many consultants seek to cloak their efforts in mystery to maintain demand for their services and most will seek to retain intellectual property rights over any learning that emerges, whatever its source.
 
Where there is unwillingness within the organisation to draw upon individual and collective resources to resolve issues, possibly from a reluctance to share thoughts and feelings or an inability to learn from colleagues through listening and reflection, there is no choice but to call in the fixers.
 
Imagine instead that you could combine the in depth knowledge and understanding of the organisational insider with the ability to step back and evaluate individual contributions across the management team within the context of the organisation’s current and future needs.  I would suggest that only those with sufficient in depth knowledge of existing resources are in a position to identify what is needed, what is available and how best to bridge that gap.   This form of leadership takes knowledge, skill, confidence and authority.
 
You cannot coach knowledge.  Instead a coach can support people in developing the skills and resources they need to find things out for and about themselves, their colleagues and their organisation.  A coach can help sense-check conclusions and evaluate proposed actions using real-time scenarios, to create a solid platform of knowledge, skills and understanding. This can become the launch pad for each new phase of personal and organisational growth.
 
Being supported in growing through a difficult situation increases our confidence that we will be able to resolve it the next time.  Learning for the future creates a spiral of growth in skills and confidence that is very different from the circular process of asking outsiders to fix our issues for us.
 
Is it better to be supported until you are able to ride your bike, or would you rather have someone explain how it is done and leave you to it, or even worse someone who will ride the bike for you then after a little while hand it back and walk away?
 
To return to the earlier analogy, a coach is able to support you in developing your skills so that not only are you able to make a proper assessment of your food needs you can also find the means to resolve them.  It may just be that what you really need isn’t fish.
 
© 2016 Michael Golding

​There are many metaphors that are used to differentiate people with negative viewpoints from those with a more positive outlook.  My suggestion is to consider life as a piece of fabric that we have been creating over the years.   When we hold it up there will be certain areas that have had a lot of our attention, where the threads are strong evidencing hard work and creative energy.  In other areas there will be holes where things have yet to be achieved or completed, or perhaps earlier efforts which have unraveled a little.  If you were to do this now would you be concentrating on the fabric or the holes?
 
Taking the analogy further, where there are too many holes it may not be possible to see any patterns running through the fabric.  In fact the holes may come to represent the only noticeable pattern.  If we take a close-up view of any large object it is not always easy to see its qualities and it may be that it takes years for the pattern and purpose to become apparent.
 
Imagine hanging the fabric on a washing line. Where there are plenty of holes the breeze will pass through without creating any disturbance or stress.  Where there are very few it will billow like a sail as it catches the wind and tries to contain it, harnessing the energy while possibly straining the threads.   Where there are fewer much larger holes they can funnel the power of nature intensifying its impact as it passes through.
 
Taking a linear view of this process, we create a continuous tapestry that becomes a personalised account of our lives and those around us.  From this perspective perhaps it would not be possible to revisit our earlier work to improve it.   Instead we are able to use the lessons learned from looking back to impact upon our present work as we move ever forward. 
 
A more holistic view may mean the boundaries of the piece are in place from the outset, though it may take us a long time to appreciate where each of these edges lies.  We work our way across the fabric sometimes staying to concentrate our efforts on specific areas then move more swiftly making broader changes as we go.  We leave a trail between more heavily worked areas with our path crossing itself as we move with varying degrees of purpose across our landscape.  For some people there will be an even spread across the piece while others will have large clear spaces punctuated by intensely worked patches of detailed and complex designs.
 
It may be that we are able to return to earlier work so that it can be unpicked and reworked in different designs with stronger or more diverse threads.  Others may choose to start afresh in another location using former efforts as a jumping off point for deeper or wider explorations.
 
We can survey the territory to either side, look over our shoulder and to the farthest horizon.  As we move across the piece the view may change to reflect the development of our ideas or remain a constant reinforcing the values inherent in our position.
 
Reworking achievements over and over may improve their appearance, increase their relevance, or bury the created original obscured beneath new threads.  These reworked constructs can create the effect of a relief map further emphasizing the highs as well as overshadowing the lows.
 
Like all creative endeavours it can be finished but is never completed.  Each piece can stand alone framed within its contemporary context or be considered as part of a complex whole, like a piece in a massive jigsaw spread within and across time.
 
It has been my experience that people from supportive backgrounds early on develop a tendency to see the fabric and not the holes.  Those whose lives have been particularly secure may not even notice the holes, or at least diminish their importance, and leave it to others to deal with any shortfalls these might represent.  For those who prefer not to focus on details there can be a risk if they rely upon others to do this for them.
 
Like many who grew up being reminded constantly of the gaps, it has taken me a while to begin to appreciate more what has been achieved over what was missed or remains to be achieved.  To appreciate the uniqueness of the personal contribution resulting from our reflection upon our own path does not require us to make comparisons or to set the content against the gaps.
 
While it may sometimes be important to map our progress against future milestones, it is not always useful to set a value on what is by framing it alongside what is not.  Focussing on achievements rather than failures or absences can become a keystone of our self-belief.  
 
There needs to be fabric for there to be holes.  Things we do will frequently have a more significant impact than things we omit to do, and regrets always seem more focused on our failure to act than on any mistakes we have made.
 
Whether looking for a foundation upon which to build or developing a route map with navigation points to support your progress it is, I believe, more important to consider the fabric and not the holes.
 
© 2016 Michael Golding
 

It has become commonplace to refer to a work/life balance as something we should all be aspiring to.   Responsibility for any failure to experience sustained happiness is often blamed on our inability to achieve this, with insufficient boundaries set around our work cited as the main culprit.   Depending upon the profession, responsibility for any imbalance will be laid at the door of the employer, particularly when they can be represented as faceless and uncaring such as a corporate giant or government agency.  
 
In professions with a higher degree of autonomy the individual may have to take the blame.  The term workaholic is used freely to describe anyone who spends abnormally long periods at work, or worse still, who continues to be preoccupied with their work even when they are away from it.
 
While this idea may have begun as useful shorthand it has become a crude expression of a more complex process and by polarizing two key aspects of our lives risks simplifying an experience which deserves more careful consideration.
 
Growing demands on employees has meant that, for some people, their home lives are less satisfying than they, or their families, wish them to be.  Although there seems to be a growing expectation of having less stressful employment and an increasing, and more satisfying, leisure time, resolving this is not simply about reducing the impact of work on our lives. 
 
For many people in salaried employment it might seem possible to split life into two parts.  However calling one work and the other life, is to explicitly create a hierarchy with work not being regarded as a component of life, but something separate from it.  This also says something about the way we might value ourselves and our roles in each of these arenas.
 
Significant numbers of people are in a position where they feel they have to accept whatever employment terms are offered, often combining part-time and full-time jobs to create enough income to support them and their families.  These are not usually the people who complain about lack of balance as they are more concerned with earning enough to get through the month.
 
For people able to exercise more choice, many are drawn to roles that require a degree of commitment that extends beyond what would be regarded as typical working hours.  They are not concerned about imbalance, though their friends and family may use this phrase.  I believe that people seek out these jobs because of the defining nature of the professional identity they confer and that this combines with their personal identity to create and maintain a positive self-image.  Only when the investment fails to bring in the returns, either in the present or when past efforts do not produce expected rewards, will they call foul.
 
Implicit in this description of balance is an assumption that we should be applying equal resource to all areas of our lives.   If this were the case, how then do we accommodate the different demands that are inherent in each situation?  Trainees in many professions are expected to dedicate significant amounts of time and energy to reach a necessary standard to practice safely and effectively.  The return on this investment may not be realised until much later in their careers through financial rewards, professional status and satisfaction.  
 
The same longer term strategy may be thought to apply to other aspects of our lives, such as the sacrifices often described as being necessary to create and support a family.  This too could be regarded as an investment whose benefits will only be realised over time.  Where that promise is not fulfilled there can be a sense of a lack of fairness, particularly if the expected benefits are being enjoyed by someone else.
 
Perhaps balance is a measure of how much resource, energy and effort we put in set against the time, money or other benefits received.  We expect there to be a balance between what we put in and what we get out, whether at the time or later, and where this transaction is not satisfying it might be that we feel let down.   Is the feeling of imbalance a reflection on the disappointment of the later returns – that we did not get as much as we hoped, it was not as good as we expected or did not have the effect or impact that was desired? 
 
Setting known investment against unknown, though expected, rewards must surely be a gamble with faith in our own judgment or the promises of others determining the odds.  It would seem to me that trading present time for future rewards becomes an increasingly risky investment, particularly as we get older. 
 
For me achieving balance is not about evaluating time spent doing one thing set against time doing something else.  It is not an investment of the present against future rewards.  It is not based upon comparisons.
 
There are occasions when we are required to give our all, without the promise of any future return.  In these situations the value of our efforts can only be measured in the present.
 
What if we adopted this approach to all that we do so that rather than trying to balance one experience against another we were to focus on the intrinsic value of what we are doing at any one time irrespective of any possible future benefits?
 
While there will always be unpleasant tasks that we might wish to reward ourselves for once they are completed,  this does not mean splitting our existence into good and bad, enjoyable and unenjoyable.  To approach life as we would a bank, putting effort in now so that we can possibly draw upon it in the future, is to lose sight of the value of the moment. 
 
Separating work from the rest of our life is also to deny the pleasures and value to be found in each and to fail to recognise their interdependence.  By compartmentalising our lives in this way we risk separating out other equally important aspects so that our experience becomes one of detached elements rather than a contiguous whole.
 
Balance is not an end point, and cannot be pursued as a goal in itself.  There is not one moment which once established can be applied to our ever changing circumstances.  Balance is giving the entire situation the specific resources it requires and deserves and will need to be negotiated again and again.  There is a rhythm inherent in every situation and this natural balance will emerge if we allow it to.
 
To achieve equilibrium requires an acceptance of the imbalance that comes from the many swinging pendulums that constantly shift across multiple axis throughout our lives and the lives of those around us.
 
By being aware of the need to be actively balancing all aspect of our lives within the moment, we can try to achieve the natural equilibrium that is inherent in every situation.
 
​© 2016 Michael Golding

​All babies need to be protected and supported by others as they explore the world around them.   From the moment we are born there is a tension between our need for protection as vulnerable creatures relying on others for food and warmth and a pressing need to learn about our immediate environment.   The scale of this exploration increases as our senses become able to reach further and to process more complex information.  As our understanding of our immediate environment grows, so our world expands.
 
Much of our initial learning is based on the apparently passive receipt of information as we sit in our cots and high chairs, and our interactions with the faces that come into our narrow orbit, though the facial expressions that accompany this constant learning give evidence of the creative effort taking place. This processing of information is further echoed in our many micro movements as we sleep.  From the safety of our crib we reach out to learn more about our world and to explore those particular areas that interest us.
 
This is supplemented by what we see through car windows or from push-chairs or prams as we are taken further afield.  As our strength and skills continue to develop we are able to explore further and in more depth.  Our increasing mobility, through crawling then walking, allows self-directed investigations of our environment.  As our language skills develop, through talking then reading and writing, we are able to target our learning to help us construct a more complete narrative model of the world around us and how it works. 
 
Throughout this period of growth and learning we remain dependent on others for food and warmth and, ideally, also receive emotional support through the care, compassion and love of those closest to us. During our formal education we continue to add to our knowledge of the wider world while exploring our inner world through our relationships.  With further education, or additional training, we continue to grow our skills while refining our understanding and appreciation of our own experiences and those of the people around us. 
 
From this established place of comfort we are able to move into areas of activity and learning where we can risk making mistakes and tolerate the experience of failure before achieving success.
 
Theoretically there would seem to be no limit to our continuing growth and development, but for many of us the process seems to stop either during our school years or very soon afterwards.
 
As with any process of exploration it is important to have a base camp from which to embark on our journeys of discovery and to which we can return to take time to reflect on what we have learned.   As children this base camp would seem to be the family home, usually created by others, from which we receive both sustenance and emotional support.  As adults we create our own homes and, perhaps to a lesser extent, shape the environment in which we work.   Ideally both contribute to our sense of well-being and support us in being able to move beyond what makes us feel most comfortable.
 
I believe that physical and emotional safety is essential if we are to develop a sufficiently strong personal identity so that we can risk going beyond our everyday experiences.  I wonder if the resources that we are able to invest in journeying outside of our comfort zone are proportionate to the solidity of our fortress homes and the strength of the ties that connect us to them.
 
For many people this feeling of safety is linked with places such as family homes and established institutions, and the quality of the relationships with the people that inhabit them, while others carry their sense of security within them without needing to anchor it in any single location.
 
However, for too many children their physical or emotional needs are not met as there is a lack of direct emotional support and no physical safety in their immediate environment.  Where there is no growing sense of security, it is extremely hard for us to establish a solid foundation upon which we can build a successful personal narrative.  Without this firm sense of a positive personal identity we may be unable to risk leaving our citadel and instead must use all of our energies in continually shoring up our fragile defences.  This can also happen when our sense of security is severely undermined such as with the death, or betrayal, of a parent or partner or some other person who has become pivotal in our lives.
 
The scale of this zone of comfort varies for us all.  While initially transferring from the womb to the crib it can continue to grow room by room until it includes the house, then the garden, gradually expanding through the neighbourhood to encompass school and shops and parks.  This literal and metaphorical zone can increase to include colleges, workplaces and other institutions to become a general comfort within a culture or society.
 
The agoraphobic’s fear of what lies beyond their door is shared, albeit to a lesser degree, by very many of us while there are some people who seem comfortable in every setting.  Perhaps the more we are supported, and the earlier this begins, the further from our home base we are able to travel.
 
If we have not been able to develop a solid sense of self then it is unlikely that we will have a well-established comfort zone.  Without a secure comfort zone we are unlikely to be able to risk moving into a learning zone.
 
For those without a trusted set of core beliefs the original process can be recreated through more recent positive personal experiences and knowledge to establish an affirming baseline narrative that also reflects real life experience.   Without this baseline any additional learning can be difficult to achieve and even if this can be overcome we risk having to play catch-up with those who have experienced a far more linear development of their systems for comfort and support.
 
© 2016 Michael Golding