​There is a concept that the Japanese call Ikigai which literally translated means the realisation of what one hopes and expects from life.  I prefer to think of it as finding your Useful Purpose as it has the potential to help us to identify a way of using our talents that will bring real and long lasting meaning to our lives. 
 
As a starting point, take some time to think about what you are good at.  You do not need to be thinking about this in terms of any existing roles or jobs you may have had or know about, but instead try to consider all of the special skills, talents and abilities that you have that might set you apart from others.   It might be helpful to reflect on any positive comments from other people as it is often difficult to make a reasonable assessment of our own abilities.
 
As we are looking for something that we will devote a lot of our time to, it is important that we can gain some income from this.   The next area to reflect upon is what you do that you can be paid for.  Again, try not to limit this to any particular role but think about the different ways you might be paid for using your particular combination of skills and experience.  It might also be helpful to reflect upon the various contractual relationships that currently exist and that might come into use in the future.
 
If you now put these two groups together, perhaps there is some type of activity that is common to them both.  If this is the case you may be able to identify a suitable Profession.  Consider how it would be to train for a career that over time might bring increasing status and the material possessions that come with a growing income. 
 
Now think about what the world needs.  Again try to view this in terms of skills and qualities rather than existing jobs or roles, and also reflect upon how you will choose to define the world.  You may decide to think in global terms of the planet and its many peoples as a whole, or you might prefer a more localised definition around your particular community.  Whatever definition you choose, try to think objectively of what that particular world needs the most.
 
Compare this with your earlier thoughts on what you can be paid for.  If you can identify an overlap between these groups, you may be able to identify your Vocation.  You could work towards gaining the respect of the community from your personal commitment to making a contribution that is valued by others. 
 
Now take some time to think about what you love.  Think about what is most important to you, what gives you the most pleasure, and what makes you happy.  Set these against what you are good at and see if there is any common ground.  This may help you to identify your Passion.  Pursuing this could bring you a real and long lasting sense of fulfilment. 
 
Look again at what you love and what the world needs.  If you can find a way of combining both of these, you may be able to identify your Mission. In this way you could have a sense of purpose that is based upon a firm belief that you are making a difference.
 
Each of these could be the culmination of a lifelong journey.  However if you were to achieve any one of these, would it bring complete satisfaction, or would you be left with feelings or desires that were unfulfilled? 
 
What if you were able to identify some way of bringing all of these together?  What you love, what you're good at, what the world needs and what you can be paid for? Then you would be combining a Profession with Vocation, Passion and Mission.  If you could achieve all of this, then some would say that you would have found your Ikigai.  I would say that you will have truly found your Useful Purpose.
 
Finding our Useful Purpose requires a deep and often lengthy search of self, and it may take many years to accomplish. This is not something that many people can achieve by themselves and a skilled coach can be an invaluable companion on this journey.
 
Identifying and then achieving any one of these is a challenge, and that may be enough.  But imagine what your life would be like if you were able to bring all of this together, and imagine the impact that you might have on the lives of others?
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

​Origins of Trauma
Many people are familiar with the idea of battlefield veterans having flashbacks that cause them to wake up screaming as they imagine being back in the war zone.  Some people also experience post-traumatic symptoms having suffered sexual abuse as children and carrying those memories into their adult lives. 
 
While these may seem extreme examples, any of us can have experiences that have the potential to traumatise us.  The trauma could be a single event or an accumulation of repeated episodes.  Witnessing the death of a loved one in dramatic circumstances can create a traumatic memory, while someone bullied over a long period may experience a series of incidents that combine in their minds to form the trauma.
 
Trauma may result whenever we have an intense and overwhelming emotional experience, particularly when it is coupled with acute negative feelings such as fear, guilt or shame.
 
Processing Experiences
For most of us what we experience remains in our thoughts for a short while before being stored as a memory.  Over time it becomes absorbed into our other memories and is largely forgotten.  We can choose to recall the moment, rather like looking through a photo album, and then put it away again.
 
It is a natural process for experiences to gradually move further from awareness making way for newer memories.  Certain peak experiences may remain longer in our thoughts.  This sometimes happens with bereavement as we continue to think about our loved ones long after they have left us, though this too begins to fade with time.
 
Effects of Trauma
People who are traumatised may struggle to forget.  They experience vivid re-enactments of their trauma as deeply disturbing dreams and frequently as daytime thoughts and images intruding unwanted into their daily lives.  These random intrusive thoughts are difficult to manage, being experienced as visions or sounds that disturb and distract them from their everyday tasks as they relive the trauma once again.  While they seem to come at random, something will trigger these memories.  It may be a sound or a smell or they may be brought on by particular feelings such as anxiety or fear.
 
By remaining in our consciousness these thoughts can prevent us from fully engaging with any new experiences so we start to feel dislocated from what is going on around us.  In addition compared with the intensity of the traumatic experience everyday life can begin to seem dull and meaningless making it harder to connect with others including our family and friends. 
 
Resolving Symptoms of Trauma
The first step is to re-connect with what is happening in our lives in the present.  Learning to focus on the moment helps to overcome feelings of dislocation and reduces the impact of intrusive thoughts and images.
 
It may then be possible to explore the traumatic experience so it can be incorporated into our memories.  This involves talking it through in a safe environment with someone who is not going to judge us.  The event is revisited in detail and the associated emotions are identified and acknowledged.  
 
In this way the traumatic event is placed within the wider context of our lives.  While it may remain a peak experience, it no longer feels as extreme and loses the power to cast such a huge shadow over us.
 
Helping people to manage and overcome the feelings resulting from trauma is a delicate process that needs to be managed sensitively to avoid re-traumatising them further.
 
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms you may be dealing with the impact of some trauma and could benefit from specialist help and support.  Many Counsellors are able to work with trauma and can help both with processing the traumatic experience and keeping you grounded in the present.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

​When considering loss our thoughts often turn to the death of a loved one, something we all expect to experience during our lives. 
 
When someone dies our relationship with them becomes frozen in time.  So although loss seems linked with the past, it is the future that has changed.  Our identity may also shift as we cease to be a son or a husband, a daughter or a wife.
 
The Importance of Grieving
The effects of loss can be reduced if we take enough time to appreciate their impact on our lives.  For this reason every culture around the world has rituals that celebrate the departed and support those that remain.
 
Carrying on with our lives without fully acknowledging what has happened risks our emotions becoming bottled up.  These feelings might even emerge later in unexpected ways that can be more difficult to manage.
 
Responses to Loss
There are a wide range of reactions and emotions that would be expected following any loss.  It is important to recognise that people respond very differently from one another, both in the intensity of their expressed feelings and how long they appear to last. 
 
We may also find ourselves feeling emotions we had not expected.  This sometimes happens with an expected death following a long illness. 
 
While there is often a lot of support for people in the days following bereavement, many people find this tails off as others get on with their lives.  The feelings of loss persist and a growing sense of isolation may make them even harder to manage.
 
Other Forms of Loss
There are many other forms of loss.  The loss of a job or a relationship can lead to very similar feelings.  Young people with lower grades than expected may lose the chance to pursue their chosen career.
 
All involve a possible shift in our identity, a significant change to our daily routines and having to accept a different future from the one we imagined for ourselves.   Taking time to grieve for these losses can make them easier to bear and reduce the risk of issues arising in the future.
 
Impact of Loss
It is important to consider the broader implications of any loss.  Relationships can be a source of safety and so losing someone who contributed to our sense of security can cause us to feel vulnerable.  This might lead to feelings of anxiety which may keep us from fully engaging with life. 
 
The manner of the loss can also affect our response as we might be left with traumatic memories.  Watching medical staff try in vain to resuscitate a loved one may leave people with violent images that come back to them in their sleep or even as intrusive thoughts during the day.  Such post-traumatic experiences are very disturbing and can have long term effects if not addressed.
 
Managing Feelings of Loss
Loss can be like a stone thrown in a lake.  Initially it makes a big splash, and then sends ripples spreading in all directions affecting every part of our lives.
 
There is value in taking time to consider what this change means for us and allowing our feelings to emerge.   Accepting how we feel, without judgement, and allowing time for the full range of complex emotions to appear will help to reduce the negative long term impact of such significant events.
 
While the feelings surrounding loss will continue for many years, there is an expectation that their impact on our daily lives will diminish with time as we adjust to the change.
 
If you are feeling overwhelmed following an experience of loss, particularly if your ability to function is affected, or if you are experiencing unexpected symptoms or emotions, then it may be helpful to talk to a Counsellor.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

​Imagine that you have moved away from all that was familiar in search of adventure.  After journeying for several days you come across a forest that stretches away to left and right as far as you can see.  Despite experiencing a slight sense of foreboding you walk into the forest as it does not appear that you would be able to walk around it.  More importantly, this is the sort of adventure that you have chosen to embark upon.
 
The trees are densely packed and so it is hard to move in a straight line.  After walking for what seems a long time it is starting to get dark.  You turn around hoping to see the way that you have come, so you might retrace your steps if needed.  However the view behind is now the same as that ahead and it is impossible to see either the way you have come or the way you need to go.  The light continues to fade with the effect exaggerated by the tall trees all around and their dense canopy of leaves.
 
You are becoming conscious of being all alone. You do not know which way to turn, as everywhere you look all you can see are dark trees extending far away into the darker shadows.  They rise far above you and beyond their tall tips there is now an inky black sky with the occasional glimpse of a star or a wisp of cold grey cloud passing over.  Time seems to be stretching out in all directions so that it becomes hard to remember when it was that you first stepped in among the trees.  Although you are not tired, you decide to wait until it becomes lighter before moving on as you are worried you might trip and fall in the gloom.  You settle down with your back against a tree and start to sit it out until morning.
 
The forest is alive with a wide variety of unseen creatures and with the wind rustling the leaves high overhead there seems little chance for sleep.   However, you gradually become accustomed to these night time noises and find yourself drifting off.
 
You are woken by a sound that seems to stand out from the background.  At first you are unsure that you heard anything and so you stand up to get a different perspective, straining to hear.  You look all around and for a moment the view in every direction appears to be the same.
 
The first flickers of light seem like they may be imagined as the gap between them lasts for many minutes.  As you strain to see, they become more frequent and seem also to be gradually increasing in brightness.  The light appears to be coming from a lantern and the flickering is caused by the light passing behind the trees.  It is raised on a pole so that it creates a pool upon the ground to show its owner a clear path through the tangle of roots and ferns.  The sound you had heard is caused by gentle footfalls upon the leaves and dry twigs of the forest floor.
 
Eventually the figure comes nearer and you begin to make out the hooded cloak and large staff with the swinging lantern hanging from its top.  The figure is weaving a path through the trees which turns left then right but seems to be coming ever closer to where you stand.  You wonder how they can see you when you struggle to see yourself.
 
The stranger comes up to you and greets you and takes a seat upon the moss.  “You seem troubled”.  This is offered more as a statement than a question yet seems to be an invitation for you to talk.  You are troubled and you are unsure whether having this stranger beside you reduces this or creates a further cause for concern. 
 
In the gloom it is hard to see the stranger’s face and so you start to imagine how they might look.  Perhaps there is a long grey beard as a symbol of age and wisdom, or the fresh faced androgyny of a timeless spirit. 
 
Sitting side by side it feels easy to talk without seeing judgement in the other’s eyes and so you describe your life before you set out on this journey.  You talk about what you have left behind and your desires and ambitions for what may lie ahead.
 
With encouragement, you then begin to describe your current predicament of feeling lost.  The more you talk the richer your description becomes.  You are exploring every aspect of your current situation ranging through your conflicting thoughts and feelings, making connections with past experiences and linking to future dreams. It seems as if the lantern is being held in a way that allows you to see yourself more clearly.  
 
In speaking your story out loud it has become a different narrative.  Unspoken it seemed to be a tale of loss and frustration and even hopelessness.  The tale you are sharing began with the sensation of being lost but is now about drawing upon your strengths and talents to find ways to overcome your fears.   
 
As the morning starts to penetrate down through the branches you feel a growing certainty about the next stage of your journey.  You are starting to recognise the differences between the trees that surround you, you are able to identify tracks and pathways along the ground that were invisible before and you can feel the faintest breeze that you know comes from a place beyond the forest.  You stand to stretch your limbs and to take deep breaths of this crisp morning air and as you turn around you see that the stranger is no longer with you. 
 
As you leave to continue on your journey you reflect upon the conversation that has lasted throughout the night and into the dawn.  You recognise that any map that might have guided you through these woods would be useless in any of the forests that lie beyond.  By developing your knowledge, skills and experience you know that you will find a way to overcome whatever challenges may lie ahead.  In the absence of fear you can now fully appreciate the beauty of the land that you are journeying through.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

​Like many children of my generation, my bicycle was an important part of every summer.  It gave me the freedom to choose where I wanted to go and the thrill of freewheeling down a steep hill with the wind on my face.   Some days I would pedal with intention aiming to get somewhere as quickly as possible, while other days I would meander around with no particular place to go but enjoying the motion and the world changing all around me.
 
Since then there have been many times in my life when I have felt that despite my best efforts I was not getting anywhere.  It seemed like I was pedalling with the brakes on.  While I am putting lots of energy in trying to move forward, I am also taking actions that prevent this from happening.  This is not necessarily about sabotaging myself so that I am unable to move forward.  It seems to have more to do with conflicting forces in the desire to change and the desire to stay the same, or at least to slow down the change.  Whatever the reason, the result is slow, or no, progress and a lot of energy being wasted.
 
Perhaps it is passion that is driving the pedals but another emotion is keeping your hands clamped on the brakes, the impulsive part of you wants to move forward while the more rational part is keeping you in check. The dreamer is peddling while the pragmatist keeps the brakes on.  Or perhaps it is the other way around. Maybe the head is driving the pedals while the heart holds on to the brakes through fear of where this might lead.
 
It is important to understand where the power to change is coming from and if it will be sustainable for the whole of the journey.  The commitment needs to be strong enough to keep you moving with plenty in reserve to get you where you want to go.  Uncertainty about either of these risks leaving you stranded.   
 
To overcome resistance we need to know what this energy is drawing upon.  Without this knowledge the conflict will remain and you will be pitching the forward power against your desire to slow down, wasting energy and leading to exhaustion and frustration.  Resistance is most likely to be rooted in some degree of reluctance or fear.  A lack of commitment to the journey, uncertainty about your destination or a fear of what it might cost and what you might have to endure will keep you holding tight to the brakes irrespective of the reasons to drive forward.
 
This failure to launch is given lots of negative names and yet it may be the result of positive forces which have been set in opposition to one another.  Whatever the split it is important to understand this conflict so that it can be resolved and we can move forward into the future. 
 
For me the solution lies in the third element to this journey which is the most important of all.  The energy at the handlebars needs to be focussed not on slowing us down but on steering us safely along the right road.  Whether this takes us to a specific destination or is more a direction of travel depends upon our personal goals and ambitions. 
 
Finding the direction we really wish to go is a challenge, but once we have identified this it will be easier to resolve the conflicting forces that have kept us in one place. 
 
Maybe it is enough to set off without a definitive destination in mind, or perhaps there needs to be a detailed route with waypoints marked off along the way.  Some people like to take one day at a time while others prefer to have a life mapped out.  Whatever road we take we will always have to make regular adjustments to avoid fresh pitfalls and dangers and to respond to what may be around the corner.
 
We need to use the energy at the pedals to decide how fast we want to go and the brakes to help us avoid obstacles along the way and bring us to a halt when we arrive.  There will be times when it is a struggle to get up the hill and times when we need to get off and rest. There will also be times when we are freewheeling down that hill with our feet off the pedals, our hands off the brakes and the wind in our hair.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding