​To many of us shame might seem to be a very specific emotion that only results from certain embarrassing events which we are easily able to put behind us.  However, feelings of shame can be much more elusive and have a significant impact on every aspect of our lives.
 
Childhood Shame
For some of us childhood can seem like an endless series of hurdles to overcome.  At home, particularly if there are other children, we work hard to get the love, attention and approval of the adults around us. We try out different behaviours to find out what works well and what does not and use their responses to decide who we are and how we need to be.
 
At school we are encouraged to compete against each other.  Both formally in exams and regular assessments, and informally in the playground hoping to be picked by class mates to play on their team.  Our position in the class, our performance in sports, whether we are a sheep or a shepherd in the nativity play, combine to give us a sense of how we are valued by others and therefore how we should value ourselves.
 
We may be told we have disappointed others perhaps by failing to achieve what they expected, however unrealistic that might have been.  We might also judge ourselves as harshly when we fail to make those around us happy, or are unable to keep our parents from arguing or splitting up.
 
Some children seem able to shrug off these feelings, particularly if there is enough positive feedback to counteract it.  Others develop a sense of personal shame that may stay with them forever.
 
Shameful Acts or Omissions
Shame is often connected to an expectation of what will happen.  Whenever we use the word 'should', there is a potential source of shame.
 
When expectations fail to materialise we can feel solely responsible and can be encouraged by others to blame ourselves.  As these experiences accumulate self-blame becomes shame as we start to believe that we are unable to achieve what others can.  This might include educational opportunities missed through failed exams or chances not taken through a lack of courage or confidence.  
 
Most of us have done things we regret.  This might involve hurting others by our actions or through neglect.  Being ashamed of what we have done or left undone might pass if we are able to recognise the reasons for what occurred.  If we believe we are solely to blame because of our personal failings we may develop a sense of shame that becomes an integral part of who we think we are.  
 
Secret Shame
Shame is generally a very private emotion.  The last thing we would want is to draw attention to shameful aspects of ourselves by telling others how we feel, so we develop a catalogue of protective behaviours to avoid others finding out.
 
Our inability to meet cultural and societal standards we are told to aspire to can create a lot of negative feelings.  When we accept the blame for this, rather than challenging the reality of these supposed standards, our repeated failures can turn to shame.  An obvious source of shame is the belief that we have the wrong body shape or skin tone and, most importantly, that this is in some way our fault. 
 
Many people, particularly youngsters, feel shame following the bullying or abusive actions of others as they are persuaded of their guilt for what occurred.  Feelings of shame can also result from unintentional actions.  Teachers may fail to identify and respond to difficulties we are experiencing with learning.  Rather than recognise this as a failure of the education system, many of us see it as a failure in ourselves.
 
Impact of Shame
Specific negative experiences can feed into a more generalised sense of shame about the way we appear in the world.  Over time these feelings can become a belief if they are repeated often enough.  To be told that something we have done is unforgivable can create a lifelong view of our position in the world, based on the actions of a moment.
 
Holding a negative perception of ourselves which we believe others would share if they knew can cause us always to hold back so that we do not get noticed.
 
For many of us shame leads us to feel we do not deserve happiness, success or recognition.  When we do achieve any of these, we put it down to chance and feel certain it will not last or that it is a mistake that will soon be discovered.
 
This sense of not deserving can mean we deny our ambitions and accept only what others might choose to give to us.   It is better to live in the shadow of others than have a light shining on us.   Many people fear being discovered for who they really are and regard any positive recognition as temporary at best.
 
Believing that we do not deserve any of the good things in life can quickly lead to a very private form of despair which for some people is too much to bear.
 
Unravelling our Shame
Reducing the impact of shame involves understanding the source of our existing beliefs about ourselves and changing the pattern of our thinking so we no longer find reasons to confirm them.
 
We can begin to appreciate the impact of shame on our life as we unpick our negative feelings across a range of different areas to explore their roots.  You may be surprised how much shame you are carrying and how much of it has been dumped on you by others.  Some people are quick to express their disappointment with their lives and to shift the blame for this on to others rather than examine themselves.
 
Doing your best on the day is not enough for someone who believes they could always do better.  Are these our expectations or have they been put on to us by others?  Separating our ambitions from those of other people, particularly our parents, can release us from a treadmill that will never lead to happiness.
 
There can be a number of reasons why we fail to achieve what was expected.  Bringing to light our actual contribution to an outcome and considering how much is down to the situation, the circumstances or the actions of others can help us separate out what we are really responsible for.  Appreciating the reasonableness of any expectations and acknowledging what is our fault and what is not can help to create a different viewpoint.
 
Seeing every situation as having a unique set of circumstances can also bring about a shift in our perspective.   Perhaps then we can recognise that making mistakes does not make us bad and we can feel regret and sorrow without it becoming shame. 
 
A counsellor can be a helpful support as we change the pattern of our thinking and learn to apply a different mindset when considering our own actions and the actions of others.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

​While everyone feels angry at various times, there are some people who seem to become angry more easily and more often than others.   For these people many aspects of their daily lives seem to cause angry feelings which can be difficult for them, and those around them, to deal with.  They seem able to access angry feelings more easily, as if they are nearer to the surface and always ready to burst through.  This may be because they are living with unresolved feelings of anger that they have been holding on to for a long time.
 
Proportionate Responses
Anger is a necessary and natural response to the frustrations and difficulties of our daily lives.  Sometimes we are thwarted by the actions of others or by changes in circumstances that are out of our control.   We express this anger through words and gestures so that other people know how we feel.
 
A healthy emotional response remains connected to the initial stimulus and once expressed begins to fade away.  This would be regarded as a proportionate response to a situation. Feelings of anger that persist long after the experience has passed, and are expressed in a particularly aggressive or violent way, suggest a more complex emotional response to the situation.
 
Anger and Rage
When something happens that makes us angry it can be healthy simply to express it, as once expressed the emotion is gone.   When we link it with previous occasions, perhaps when something similar happened, and use this as a way of maintaining the feeling for longer we are moving from anger to rage.  Phrases we typically use are ‘why does this always happen to me’ or ‘why can’t you ever do what you are told’.  Using ‘always’ and ‘ever’ suggest that the feelings have moved beyond the present situation to connect with past experiences.
 
When current feelings combine with previous, possibly unexpressed, emotions they can become overwhelming.  We may find ourselves acting in ways that we struggle to control and that others may be unable to understand.  People have described this as being like a red mist coming down.  Some people express this rage outwardly with aggressive language and possibly physical violence, while others turn this rage inwards by hurting themselves or putting themselves in danger.
 
Unexpressed Anger
In some relationships not everyone is allowed to spontaneously express their feelings.  In many families only the adults are allowed to be angry.  When children show their anger it is sometimes described as a tantrum.  They are discouraged from expressing this particular emotion and even punished if they try.  Not acknowledging the anger experienced by children risks these feelings becoming suppressed long into adulthood and emerging in destructive and unhelpful ways. 
 
Children’s responses may not be fully understood by adults and can seem disproportionate.  Youngsters express their feelings as they occur and often see the world in more dramatic terms than their parents.  They do not always understand the actions of others and so can draw the wrong conclusions.  Young children will often feel confused and angry when parents argue or separate and may even blame themselves for being the cause or at least for not being able to prevent it from happening.
 
Anger, Shame and Violence
Feelings of shame at what we have done, or not done, can lead to a growing sense of anger.  Not being able to express this feeling directly can lead to minor irritations becoming the spur for prolonged expressions of rage which may be accompanied by acts of violence.  Where shame, perhaps resulting from humiliating experiences at the hands of others, is compounded the rage that is eventually expressed can be almost volcanic in both its energy and its impact.
 
Blowing our tops in this way can make us feel better in the short term as some of the tension we have been carrying around with us has been released.  However the impact on those around us can be significant and the tension will start to build once again so that the cycle needs to be repeated.
 
Experiencing trauma can also be a source of anger and shame which is then expressed in ways that might seem unrelated to the original experience.
 
Consequences of Uncontrolled Anger and Rage
Carrying around excessive anger can be crippling.  We struggle constantly to control an emotional chain reaction that can be set off at any moment by any number of unrelated external triggers.  Our relationships are inevitably affected as people around us become wary of how we might respond in any situation. They may even start to fear us so that they are always on their guard and unable to act naturally around us.  This can result in a continual state of tension that may feed into the frustration that lights the fuse to ignite our rage.
 
The risks are poor relationships and a lack of intimacy, combined with regular acts of violence which can lead to personal injury and possibly prison terms.
 
Managing Anger and Rage
The first step is to identify the difference between anger in the moment and the rage that spills out from beneath the surface.  Making this separation can help us identify what triggers the rage in us and try to avoid such situations, if possible, or at least reduce their impact.  Grounding ourselves in the present can help us ensure we are connecting with what is happening in the moment rather than drawing on past experiences.  We can learn to distinguish between an anger response and a rage response so that situations do not escalate out of our control.  There are many techniques we can use such as focussing on our breathing, feeling the ground beneath our feet, and even counting to ten before we respond to something.
 
It can also be helpful to explore the origins of any unexpressed anger or rage.  It may have its roots in a particular incident or may stem from a situation which lasted for many months or even years.  Working through the old emotions attached to these past experiences can allow them to surface so that they can be expressed safely and no longer need to emerge through other routes.
 
A skilled counsellor can help in both managing anger and rage in the present and exploring its origins so that its power to control our lives slowly fades.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

​People experiencing depression often have a continuous low mood, a lack of interest in day to day experiences, feelings of hopelessness and a reduced sense of their individual value.  Not being able to control when it might come and not being able to see a way forward are also key components.
 
Depression is sometimes linked with anxiety.  Fear of being overwhelmed by our feelings can result in a detachment from life as we try to avoid people and situations which might provoke this response in us.
 
Causes of Depression
For a long time depression was thought to be linked to a chemical imbalance in the brain which anti-depressants were believed to rebalance.  This theory has now been discredited as no conclusive scientific evidence has been found to indicate any chemical or biological cause for depression.
 
It is far more likely that depression is a natural response to overwhelming events in our lives.  This may result from being in a difficult or oppressive situation for a period of time or be a response to a single event that we are unable to overcome.  In either case we may find ourselves reassessing our view of the world and ourselves and drawing negative conclusions.
 
The low mood coupled with low energy can create a sense of hopelessness, a lack of self-belief and trust in those around us, and a feeling that the situation will not change.  The ultimate expression of this hopelessness is suicide.
 
Medical Response to Depression
Antidepressants may bring temporary relief from oppressive feelings which may be important in providing an opportunity to explore other options.   However medication is not generally regarded as a long term solution and can have unhelpful side effects.
 
It is important to make sure there is no underlying physical cause such as anaemia or thyroid problems or a vitamin deficiency. These can be identified through a blood test.
 
Slowing the Downward Spiral
There may be emotional triggers that start the spiral into depression, such as certain events or situations or things other people might say or do.  These connections are not always obvious and can seem unrelated, which is why these feelings sometimes seem to come out of the blue.  However, if emotional triggers can be identified it becomes possible to find ways to manage them so we cease to be as vulnerable to their impact.
 
Feelings of helplessness in the face of current circumstances can be compounded over time with each bout of depression drawing upon previous ones.  In this way a single emotional response can start a descent into darkness with no apparent way out and no belief in the possibility of change.  
 
When our response to a current situation connects with previous similar occasions the experience can change from being an emotion felt in the present to a mood lasting several days or longer.   This can make the difference between feeling helpless in a particular situation to believing yourself to be helpless in every situation.
 
By learning to recognise what triggers these feelings and keeping them focussed in the present it may be possible to manage them more effectively and reduce their impact. 
 
The Road to Recovery
Recognising that depression is a natural response to what we have experienced means that being depressed is not our fault and that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with us.  
 
For many people experiencing depression there may have been times when they did not feel this way.  Though this may be a distant memory, it can provide a route back to a better time.  Others may not be able to remember a time when they did not feel depressed, however there may be an ebb and flow of feelings which creates an opportunity to focus on those times, however brief, when the feelings seem to subside.
 
If we can keep our feelings in the present so that they do not link with past experiences we may keep them from becoming overwhelming.  Grounding ourselves means focussing on what is happening now, rather than seeing each event as being part of some larger negative experience beyond our control.  In time this may help us become more resilient and less vulnerable to outside events and influences so that we can start to rebuild our self-belief. 
 
It may also be helpful to try to identify the life events that may have caused  this response. While some will not be resolvable, it may be possible to reflect on what led us to respond in this way so that we can develop the ability to choose how we respond in the future.
 
Where there has been some trauma, either a single event or repeated experiences, focussing on this might also offer a way out of the darkness.
 
Support for People Experiencing Depression
Everyone’s experience of depression is unique.  Recognising this as a natural response to the life we have lived provides a way to explore the nature of those experiences and reflect upon our responses both then and now.   An experienced counsellor hearing our story without judgement can be an invaluable companion on this road to recovery.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

​The Importance of Relationships
We are all living in a network of relationships.  We describe ourselves as parents or grandparents, husbands or wives, brothers or sisters.  All of these position us within our community and become an important part of our personal identity.  Many of us actively seek out particular relationships as a way of earning our place in society. 
 
Such relationships are evidence that we are loved, valued and respected.  They become a key element in our creation of a solid sense of who we are and how we fit into the world.  While each of these carries a responsibility, they can also be a source of comfort and support so there is some give and take in every relationship.  All of this can be challenged and starts to become undermined when relationships go wrong.
 
Problems in Relationships 
Each person within a relationship will see it differently and will have their particular desires and expectations.  These will be influenced by previous experiences, current values and beliefs and the importance that they place on the relationship in their lives as a whole.
 
Problems arise when there is a significant mismatch between these viewpoints.  For example some people believe their romantic relationship and their immediate family are the most important part of their lives.  Others may not define themselves by any one relationship but see themselves within a wider context that might include work colleagues and a role within their extended family.  
 
Satisfying Relationships
Each person experiences a shared relationship differently and understanding what it means for each of us will increase the chance of our needs and desires being met.  
 
When relationships begin there may be talk of what each person wants.  In romantic relationships this may well be overshadowed by physical desires as well as assumptions about creating a family.
 
People are always evolving and our personal priorities change as we move through life. What seems important when we are young can seem less so as we get older and something that might have been agreed at the start may no longer be fulfilling. Shared goals and assumptions need to be revisited as peoples’ needs, desires and expectations change.  
 
Managing Relationships
It is not uncommon for people to say to a disappointed partner that they thought this was what they wanted.  Another common belief is that people would know what we wanted if they really cared about us.
 
If the key to managing relationships is understanding what people need and want, then it is important that we are able to express this.  Only then can we begin to negotiate a way forward.
 
You need to fully understand your own desires so that you can express yourself honestly and openly in a way that can be understood.  It is equally important that you are able to listen without judgement or prejudice, clarifying if necessary, to understand what the other is saying.   If you each know what the other person wants then you can plan for the future.
 
It is easy to be blinded to another’s needs by the power of our own.  When this happens there is always the risk that desires that are not fulfilled in one relationship may be satisfied in another.
 
The same rules apply whatever the relationship, whether it is parent and child, brothers and sisters or even partners in business.
 
Support in Managing Relationships
An experienced counsellor can help people to get to the heart of what they currently want from a relationship and support them in expressing this clearly to each other.  By working this through it may be possible to realign a relationship so that it more accurately reflects peoples’ current needs, desires and expectations rather than being rooted in the past or focussed on an impossible future.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding

There has been a lot of research into the way our experiences are turned into memories.   A model currently popular with neuroscientists involves different areas of our brain being used to store short and long term memories.   Information regarding recent experiences is temporarily retained in one location within our brains before being moved to another for permanent storage. 
 
We can easily access this information while it remains in our short-term memory and take time to reflect upon what has occurred, possibly adding additional details.   If the experience stays with us it will be transferred to our long term memory and we will be able to draw upon it at any time in the future.  However, if information does not remain within our short term memory for long enough then it is effectively over-written with new information from our latest experience. 
 
This theory was developed using real-time imaging techniques to identify parts of the brain associated with short and long term memory with activity being tracked as different areas light up. This reminds me a little of the difference between information the Random Access Memory uses in the management of a computer system and the data transferred to the hard drive for permanent storage.
 
The model provides an insight into how we learn.  Studying intensely keeps information in our heads long enough to stay there and I suppose the practice of repetition, or learning by rote, is another proven way of retaining information though there is no guarantee that it is always understood.
 
This also explains the experience we sometimes have of seeming to operate on automatic pilot.  For example having driven somewhere that is very familiar to us and arrived safely without having any memory of how we got there.  This is possibly because the experience did not stay in our short term memory long enough to warrant it becoming permanent.
 
The deciding factor between what sticks and what is lost would seem to be the length of time the experience remains in our thoughts.  There are various reasons why it does not remain for long such as how important we believe it to be, or because more important information turned up and we chose to focus on that.
 
The time needed to create a memory also seems to vary depending upon the nature of the experience.  Tests have apparently shown that negative experiences do not need to be retained as long as positive experiences before becoming permanent memories.  One explanation for what is referred to as a negative bias is that it promotes learning from unpleasant experiences as a way of keeping us safe in the future.
 
If we need to retain positive experiences in our consciousness longer before they can be added to our store of memories, there may be a tendency for our memories to be weighted towards less pleasant experiences.

If this is the case, perhaps we can influence the balance of our memories by deliberately holding on to positive experiences so that they are retained.  This is possibly the science behind a lot of the practices promoted by positive psychology.  It might also provide further insights into the benefits we experience from contemplating the beauty of the natural world or reflecting upon the art, poetry and music that has been created through the years.
 
By taking sufficient time to focus on positive experiences, both as they occur and immediately after, we may be able to reset the balance of our memories so that pleasure outweighs pain.  This could mean taking more time to stare at a sunset, holding on to a delicious flavour for a few extra moments or staying a little longer with someone we care about.
 
Even if this is not the case, there is a strong argument for savouring the joy in life rather than brooding on life’s downturns.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding