Living with Relationships

​The Importance of Relationships
We are all living in a network of relationships.  We describe ourselves as parents or grandparents, husbands or wives, brothers or sisters.  All of these position us within our community and become an important part of our personal identity.  Many of us actively seek out particular relationships as a way of earning our place in society. 
 
Such relationships are evidence that we are loved, valued and respected.  They become a key element in our creation of a solid sense of who we are and how we fit into the world.  While each of these carries a responsibility, they can also be a source of comfort and support so there is some give and take in every relationship.  All of this can be challenged and starts to become undermined when relationships go wrong.
 
Problems in Relationships 
Each person within a relationship will see it differently and will have their particular desires and expectations.  These will be influenced by previous experiences, current values and beliefs and the importance that they place on the relationship in their lives as a whole.
 
Problems arise when there is a significant mismatch between these viewpoints.  For example some people believe their romantic relationship and their immediate family are the most important part of their lives.  Others may not define themselves by any one relationship but see themselves within a wider context that might include work colleagues and a role within their extended family.  
 
Satisfying Relationships
Each person experiences a shared relationship differently and understanding what it means for each of us will increase the chance of our needs and desires being met.  
 
When relationships begin there may be talk of what each person wants.  In romantic relationships this may well be overshadowed by physical desires as well as assumptions about creating a family.
 
People are always evolving and our personal priorities change as we move through life. What seems important when we are young can seem less so as we get older and something that might have been agreed at the start may no longer be fulfilling. Shared goals and assumptions need to be revisited as peoples’ needs, desires and expectations change.  
 
Managing Relationships
It is not uncommon for people to say to a disappointed partner that they thought this was what they wanted.  Another common belief is that people would know what we wanted if they really cared about us.
 
If the key to managing relationships is understanding what people need and want, then it is important that we are able to express this.  Only then can we begin to negotiate a way forward.
 
You need to fully understand your own desires so that you can express yourself honestly and openly in a way that can be understood.  It is equally important that you are able to listen without judgement or prejudice, clarifying if necessary, to understand what the other is saying.   If you each know what the other person wants then you can plan for the future.
 
It is easy to be blinded to another’s needs by the power of our own.  When this happens there is always the risk that desires that are not fulfilled in one relationship may be satisfied in another.
 
The same rules apply whatever the relationship, whether it is parent and child, brothers and sisters or even partners in business.
 
Support in Managing Relationships
An experienced counsellor can help people to get to the heart of what they currently want from a relationship and support them in expressing this clearly to each other.  By working this through it may be possible to realign a relationship so that it more accurately reflects peoples’ current needs, desires and expectations rather than being rooted in the past or focussed on an impossible future.
 
© 2017 Michael Golding