I attended boarding school for six years during the 1970’s.   While every experience is unique, I know from interactions with other people that there are many common themes that seem to cut across gender, age and family circumstances.
 
While many children taken into care have experienced much worse, this would have been the last resort following a family breakdown.  In contrast, boarding school is regarded as a positive choice.
 
A Perfect Storm of Emotions
There is little that happened at boarding school that might not have happened in other settings.  There is the forced separation from family, the emotional neglect, the bullying and abuse, and the isolation and loneliness.
 
What makes this experience unique is that all of this happens at the same time to very young people who must learn to navigate their way in the face of its relentless repetition with little or no support.  There is no place to hide from this storm, particularly for the youngest and newest.
 
The Split between Home and School
Whether the journey is a bus ride or a flight across continents, the emotional distance between home and school can feel enormous.   Some children find that within a few weeks of arriving attachment ends and nurturing stops.  Whatever interest may be shown to a child at boarding school it is not the same as would ideally be shown by a loving parent.
 
For some youngsters the process of detachment had begun years before and they had already constructed a carapace to protect the softer creature within.  Others quickly learn to spin a cocoon to protect them from the emotional, and sometimes physical, assault that is their daily routine.
 
The dislocation between life at school and at home can lead to the creation of different identities.  These separate narratives do not always overlap.  Stories related out of context begin to have little meaning to the people at home and accumulate faster than they can be told.  Many incidents cannot be shared, either through our own shame at our role within them or from a desire to protect our family from uncomfortable truth. 
 
Some people struggled to create a life at home.  Even those with established friendships where they lived would find the gap widening without ongoing shared experiences.
 
Trust and its Absence
For some children the move to a boarding school was an expected transition, possibly even a rite of passage that had become family tradition.  Others looked for explanations as to why they were sent away, which needed to go beyond the practicalities.  They may harbour a sense of betrayal by people they trusted which may well be reinforced by the subsequent betrayals of those entrusted with looking after them.
 
Many of our housemasters had only recently qualified as teachers, and seemed only a little older than sixth formers.  As far as I know they had no special training in providing pastoral support.  There was no evidence of any particular skills, though there was the occasional act of kindness, and all seemed to struggle with the conflicting roles of befriending while having to maintain discipline.
 
A lack of trust that those around us will protect us can lead to a continuous state of heightened awareness.  We are constantly on the lookout for threats, which can appear at any time without warning.  This vigilance soon becomes second nature and we develop all the skills necessary to survive in this hostile environment.
 
The Use and Abuse of Power
Many aspects of our daily lives became an opportunity to reinforce the power relationships that ran through every activity like seaside names in a stick of rock.
 
I believe everyone at my boarding school was bullied in that we were all made to do things we did not wish to do.  Through pressure and intimidation, we lost our sense of personal control and were often made to behave against our own interests.   Some people were singled out for particular attention, those considered different from the rest and particularly those who cried or wet their bed.
 
Seniors were instrumental in helping the staff keep control of the rest.  This led to all kinds of collusion which unofficially created additional tiers of power, each with their own separate culture.
 
For those able to align themselves with the regime there was a sense of belonging.  For those who could not a feeling of always being wrong began to pervade every aspect of our lives.

​Relentless Routines
In keeping with most residential institutions, we were never alone.  This may be enjoyable for the extroverts but can become a major challenge for introverts.   The only possibility for down-time was at night, though when this is shared with a dozen others there are additional pressures.
 
All practicalities such as food and clothing, personal hygiene, homework and recreation were subject to their own set of rigid rules which nearly always involved queuing up, names being recorded and a lot of waiting around.
 
In so many situations getting through the task seemed to be a greater priority than how it might be experienced by any single individual.  It is easy then to see your own wants and desires as being peripheral to the relentless grinding of the machine.
 
Taking Care of Ourselves
Confusion over changing roles and the many layers of hard and soft institutionalised values can make it hard to find a solid place to stand.  One response is to draw upon your own resources and create a fortress that does not rely on any person, location or situation, but which you carry with you from dormitory to classroom and back again.
 
Many of us constructed a mask that was designed to show very little, as appearing not to care reduced our vulnerability.  It was easier to become a caricature than to risk revealing our true character.   Some were able to choose their own identity while the more vulnerable were given a badge they could not shake off.
 
Enduring can become more important than enjoyment, so you keep your head down and get through another day until the end of each term.   For those whose life at home was equally problematic the countdown would begin again.
 
There may have been times when we colluded with the bullies, grateful not to be the target, or failed to stand beside the victim for fear of also being tagged.  Such acts or omissions become a ready source of personal shame.
 
The imperative of fitting in means forcing square pegs through round holes. This can create temporary damage or permanent disfigurement.  Others pretended while hiding their edges, which came at a very different cost.
 
Impact on Development
We grew up in a bubble.  While this is the case for many children, ours was fixed in a cultural setting that seemed to have little relationship to home.  The role models that were perpetuated were not seen by everyone as relevant and to some seemed very separate from our lives outside.
 
Our weaknesses are often our strengths reversed and we became strong in some suits and weak in others. This balance may have been redressed in later life or our experiences may have reinforced our beliefs so that the gap continued to widen.  
 
We developed ways of coping that got us through these difficult times but which may have hampered our development and ability to move beyond this situation.  The identities we felt we needed to adopt may not be so easily shaken off when faced with a different set of priorities.
 
We were youngsters trying to make grown-up decisions about the world and how to behave in it.  We only had each other’s experiences to draw upon and these were not always to be trusted.
 
The Survivor’s Experience
There were plenty of people who thrived in this environment; at least I presume this was the case.   Even during the experience there was a strong sense that it was making us resourceful and self-reliant.  Yet how much armour did we put on and how well is it serving us now?
 
We may still have a shaky sense of our own personal value through never really understanding why we were sent away.   A self-belief that is not based upon self-knowledge but simply an inability to trust anyone else is not a solid place from which to build a life.
 
This forced self-reliance can result in us being very well defended and cultivating an emotional detachment that can sometimes border on numbness.   This can make it difficult for us to establish and maintain relationships, particularly those with an expectation of trust and intimacy.
 
Learning to fit in, and not get noticed by the bullies, helps us to judge a situation and get the best from it. However it may compromise our ability to understand our own needs and wants and to express them without shame. 
 
The unnamed fear that led us to develop an acute awareness of what is happening all around can continue long after the initial threat has passed.  This may leave us feeling uncertain and apprehensive.
 
Control issues around food, personal hygiene and daily routines can all result from being forced to comply with a system that seemed arbitrary and unforgiving.
 
Many of us are left with an overwhelming sense of shame for what we did, or did not do, or for what was done to us.  We are left with the belief that life is to be endured rather than enjoyed and sometimes we have to find a lot of courage to be happy.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

​When faced with a crisis it is a natural response for individuals and organisations to become defensive and inward looking, even while they are trying to appear open and transparent.  This tension can quickly become obvious to any outsider even if the reason for it is not always understood.   Not only will it create suspicion, but the toll on senior staff trying to maintain these two contradictory positions will soon begin to show. 
 
Recent scandals that have spread across the charity sector provided evidence, once more, of the challenge for board level staff to maintain a credible and consistent position throughout a long period of intense scrutiny.  Should they stumble even for a moment there is often a high price to pay.
 
In responding to this kind of crisis it is important to step towards the challenge.  This is a way of making sure that all of the issues are fully appreciated and understood by all of the key players within the organisation.  Reaching out towards those that are challenging us may seem counter intuitive.  However it demonstrates a willingness to engage fully with the problem.   Only by understanding the issues from the outsiders’ perspective, as well as your own, can you truly appreciate what needs to be done to overcome them.  Such a step requires a mix of courage and humility which needs to be authentic or it will be difficult to maintain.
 
Consistency of approach is also vital.  You are working hard to create confidence that all of the issues are understood, that their gravity is fully appreciated and therefore that they will be addressed appropriately.   However any wavering from the original message, however small, risks undermining everything that you may have achieved.  This does not just risk taking you back to square one, but could create the sort of backlash that requires even greater efforts to overcome and in some cases can only be resolved by senior resignations.
 
A Crisis Coach can help you to identify and then quantify the issues from the perspectives of everyone involved.  They are in a position to highlight the blind spots in your organisational thinking.  They can then work with you to develop a considered and practical response that addresses everyone’s concerns and support you through the process of communicating this both internally and externally. 
 
Having an independent Coach on the team puts you in a unique position.  They can help you explore the situation from every angle, safe in the knowledge that all discussions will be completely confidential.  They can recognise the impact of the cultural and other values of your organisation while not being subject to them.  They can connect more easily with the views and priorities of those outside of the organisation and can provide appropriate challenge in a safe place so that your responses address all of the concerns that have been, or may be, raised.  Finally they can be there to support you should there be any wobbles or moments of tired exasperation when it may be tempting to hit back.
 
Bringing in an outsider might not be your first thought when faced with a crisis, but perhaps it should be your second.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

​Many of us feel stressed or stressed out by certain aspects of our lives.  While this is often focussed on a particular thing we have to do or think about, it can be helpful to look at these stressors within a wider context.
 
Ebb and Flow of Stress
We all have an ideal state of equilibrium when we function at our best.  It is natural for events in our lives to impact on us in ways that change our level of stress.  These periods when we are under additional pressure to perform need to be followed by quieter times so that we can recharge our batteries.
 
Motivation and Control
Stress can be a motivator and with the physiological changes that often accompany it can enable us to achieve more than we normally could.   These changes might include extra adrenaline to speed up our metabolism, an increased heart-rate providing additional oxygen, and a redirected blood flow that favours our muscles and our brain. 
 
When we are able to control the situation we can maintain our focus and achieve much more than usual.  When we are being forced to act, we may feel out of control and can easily become overwhelmed.
 
External and Internal Stressors
External stressors come in the form of unexpected outside events that we need to respond to or the sudden requests and demands of others that we will struggle to fulfil.
 
Our internal stressors are the many shoulds and shouldn’ts that we allow to exert their influence upon us.  These are messages that we have taken on board without necessarily challenging their usefulness or validity. 
 
Whatever the source, we feel we are being forced to take action against our will or possibly beyond our ability.
 
Underlying Stress
Following any period of additional stress we would expect to return to our normal level so that we can prepare ourselves for the next spike.   When we experience stress continuously for a period of time it is easy for this to become our new normal.   We may even stop noticing the impact that it is having on us as we adjust to this new way of being. 
 
When we are living with a high level of underlying stress anything new that comes along can cause us to crank it up yet another notch which can easily push us over the edge.
 
Long term financial or health worries are common causes of underlying stress.  They can be increased by sudden extra financial demands or additional health issues or relapses.   If we are operating from our normal level of stress we would be able to absorb these new pressures more easily.
 
Long-Term Effects of Stress
The long term effects can be both psychological and physical.  Ultimately we risk burnout, which can mean a total collapse of our physical or emotional health.  There are likely to be a number of warning signs along the way.
 
Levels of anxiety may continue to rise until we become overwhelmed.  This can produce spontaneous panic attacks or some form of meltdown such as episodes of uncontrollable rage or tearfulness.  Anxiety is also linked with depression which may be compounded by feelings of helplessness.
 
The physical impact of maintaining a constant level of readiness can range from high blood pressure and heart rate to disturbed sleeping patterns.  The endocrine system controls all of the hormones in the body so any imbalance can have far reaching effects particularly on our skin, our weight and our energy levels.  Our immune system may also suffer leaving us vulnerable to frequent minor infections, such as coughs and colds, and possibly more serious illnesses.
 
Another consequence can be a reliance on alcohol or other substances or behaviours to provide what might seem like a necessary distraction.
 
Managing Stress
Stress is not the problem so much as how we choose to manage it.  While we cannot control every aspect of our lives, we do have some control over how we respond to changes.   By learning what is our optimum level we can try to keep within it.  Being aware of how stressed we are means we can monitor its effect upon us and in particular we can look for the warning signs.
 
We can try to break up stressful periods by making sure we have some down time.  Ironically an actual holiday can be a source of additional stress, but time spent away in familiar surroundings can give us time to recharge our batteries.  Quiet pursuits such as meditation, yoga or gardening can be useful as is physical exercise unless it brings further stress through being overly competitive.
 
When faced with additional stressors it may be helpful to think about the immediate and the long-term impact.  Consider also if there is any way you can exert some control over the situation so that you do not feel so powerless.  In this way you may be able to turn down the volume to reduce the impact so that you can return more easily to your natural level.
 
Where the stress is internal, it can be helpful to reflect upon the origin of some of these shoulds and shouldn’ts and consider whether they really are as absolute as they might first appear.  An experienced counsellor will be able to help you work through these as well as support you in managing the day to day impact of having too much stress in your life.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

​Fear is a response to a real or imagined threat of danger, pain or harm to ourselves or those we care about.    Feeling fear can create jittery feelings in our stomach and an increased heart-rate, shallow breathing and the light-headedness that comes with it.   While the physical experience can be similar the reasons behind the feelings will be different for each of us.
 
Responding to Fear
When the threat is immediate we have a natural instinct to either run away or turn and face the problem, known as the flight or fight mechanism.  Adrenaline starts to pump through our veins setting off a range of physiological changes that will help us respond in the most effective way.   There is a third response and that is to freeze and people in these situations often talk of being rooted to the spot and unable to move.
 
However, if there is no need for an immediate response then these automatic physical preparations have no release.  Instead our muscles might shake, we become flushed from the excess blood coursing through our veins, and feel so lightheaded that we might faint. Many people experience this when asked to make a speech or sit an exam.  Others seek out these feelings by watching scary films or engaging in extreme sports.
 
When the Threat is Real
Many people live under threat of harm from others.  The obvious example would be those living in a war zone, but there are many people much closer to home whose daily lives are blighted by fear.  Violence, or the threat of violence, exists in many households and has a profound effect on those who are forced to live with it.  It changes the way we see the world, which becomes an endless minefield we must carefully work our way through. Many of us will develop a range of new behaviours that are less likely to provoke a reaction and minimise the impact when we are caught.
 
When the Threat is Less Real
We can sometimes believe a threat exists even when there is little actual evidence.  This could be because we are persuaded by others that we are vulnerable or perhaps because we have experienced it in the past and imagine that it could happen again.  We see the world as a hostile place and become preoccupied with navigating the dangers and being ready to respond should we need to.
 
Long term Exposure to Fear
Experiencing such fears over a period of time may mean the original symptoms may seem  to fade as we acclimatize to this new way of being.  People living under constant threat find ways to limit their emotions to reduce their vulnerability.
 
Fear becomes anxiety which can emerge in many different ways such as panic attacks, when we are emotionally overwhelmed, or phobias that can become the prime focus for our fears.  We can also experience a general feeling of being fearful that does not seem to be attached to any particular cause or situation.  This makes us watchful and wary as if surrounded by something that might attack any time.
 
So much of our energies are committed to managing these feelings that there may be little time for anything, or anybody, else and can mean we separate ourselves from others.  This detachment can create a sense of isolation and emotional numbness that, for some people, can only be overcome by hurting themselves.  This hypervigilance may also lead to a range of controlling behaviours such as compulsions or eating disorders.
 
The physical impact of always being ready to fight or run can lead to a range of stress related symptoms and ailments.  It can affect our immune system’s ability to fight infections, leaving us open to frequent bouts of common illnesses like colds and flu or more serious diseases.
 
Overcoming our Fears
Just as these situations evolve over time, it may be that we work on gradually reducing our sense of fear.    It might be helpful to explore the components that make up our particular set of fears and to try to identify their origins.  Where those threats still exist we can look at alternative ways of managing or containing them.  If they are rooted in the past it may be possible to sever the links so that they no longer have the power to affect the way we feel.
 
It may also be necessary to unlearn any particular behaviour or other coping mechanisms that may have kept us safe before but which now prevent us from fully enjoying our lives. Learning how to focus on our present situation can often help us differentiate between then and now, allowing us to shrug off our negative feelings from the past.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

​Use of the term OCD has become commonplace with people typically using these letters to refer in a light-hearted way to an over-attention to detail.   However ritualistic behaviour can be so much more than simple quirks or minor compulsions and can seriously limit our ability to experience life to the full.
 
The Importance of Rituals
Necessary rituals are focussed on things we feel we must do as well as things we must avoid.  Many professionals use checklists to ensure everything is in place before they begin.  Pilots carry out pre-flight checks and before surgical operations each of the specialist staff will have worked through their own checklist to make sure they are able to carry out their roles.  These preparations are about safety and effectiveness and help people adopt the correct mindset for the task.
 
Many people involved in sports or entertainment add additional rituals to their preparations.  While these may have their roots in religious or superstitious beliefs, it also promotes a mindset that gets them in the zone where they perform at their best.
 
Most of us take part in religious rituals even if our faith is not particularly strong.  Marking births, marriages and deaths with dedicated ceremonies reminds us of the cyclical nature of our lives and reinforces the power of community by creating opportunities for people to share and support each other in their joy and sorrow.
 
Types of Ritualistic Behaviour
Many of us have developed our own personal rituals that feel very natural, though they might seem strange to others.  We may even be unaware of certain behaviours that are necessary to us and that we might struggle to do without
 
The more familiar types of ritualistic behaviour are based on issues around cleaning ourselves or our surroundings, checking locks and doors and that switches are off, or creating symmetry so that items in the environment are all carefully aligned.
 
Most of us are affected by these to a degree, but for some people failing to achieve the necessary level of cleanliness, security or symmetry can lead to overwhelming emotions which can have a significant impact on their ability to function.
 
Warding Off Catastrophe
Routine checks are designed to keep us safe. They also give us a sense of being in control and not totally subject to external forces.  For those with more complicated daily routines, fear may lie at the heart of their rituals with anxiety also having a role to play.
 
Experiencing trauma can create a sense of fear or anxiety that some people find difficult to overcome.  This could be a single event, often described as a catastrophe, or a period of time when we did not feel safe.
 
A catastrophe comes out of the blue and rocks our world to its foundations.  It can leave us feeling vulnerable and not knowing what we can do to prevent it happening again.  Being under threat for a period of time can create in us a constant state of vigilance. 
 
One response to both of these scenarios is to create a story around a set of actions that if followed strictly will help to keep us safe.  This can establish a sense of order in a world we might experience as being out of our control.
 
Fire drills and safety checks have a clear link to the risks that we face.  Repetitious handwashing or repeatedly checking doors and windows may have a less direct link as the perceived threat is more ambiguous, but the effect is the same as it gives some sense of security and helps to keep the fears at bay.
 
When Supports Become Millstones
Many of us have going to work rituals that help us get into the right frame of mind.  Others believe particular items of clothing bring them luck and getting ready for a night out can become an enjoyable part of the whole experience.
 
Everything changes when the preparations start to become more important than the event. When the gap between the ritual and any practical benefit starts to widen, there is a risk of the positive value turning negative.  The first time you wash your hands or check the locks can be justified but every time after that brings no additional practical value.
 
Focusing on a repetitive action can be a helpful distraction from our fears and anxieties.  When the ritual is so complex that failing to complete, which may happen often, requires a return to the start can mean you do not leave the house.  Indeed it can become a way of ensuring that you do not have to leave the house.
 
When a ritual is a springboard for further actions then it continues to be useful.  When it becomes an action in itself or holds us back from any further actions, the balance is starting to shift.  We might start to question whether the emotional benefits we get justify the impact on our everyday lives and possibly on those around us.
 
Managing Ritualistic Behaviour
These behaviours have a role and we need to think carefully before we do away with them. It may be helpful to look at managing them more effectively, while also considering their origins and the underlying feelings that gave rise to them.
 
Recognising their value in bringing peace of mind and considering the extent of any problem they pose allows us to appreciate the trade-off.  Minimally invasive rituals that help us manage our trauma may seem like a reasonable exchange.  This may be particularly true when the experiences are recent and feelings are still very raw.
 
Where our lives are adversely affected, there may be an advantage in looking for alternative and less intrusive means to achieve the same goals.  Reducing the frequency of the behaviours will naturally reduce their impact.
 
The way we are is very often a direct response to what has happened to us.  Our experience is unique and complex, and so is our response.  Through unpicking our experiences it may be possible to identify the origins of our behaviours and begin to gently explore the underlying fear.  Appreciating and understanding our emotions can reduce their disruptive power and as the fear recedes there is less need to manage it.
 
A skilled therapist can help us to manage the impact of ritualistic behaviours and support us as we explore the events in our lives that have led to us developing these complex defences against painful feelings.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding