​Feeling that you have been betrayed can be one of the hardest experiences to overcome.  It can rock our world because it upends our beliefs and shakes our trust in ourselves and the world around us.

Forms of Betrayal
For most of us the word invokes thoughts of relationships where someone has an affair and is then found out.  However there are many other discoveries that can feel equally traumatic.  Any time we have been encouraged to believe something which turns out not to be true can be experienced as a betrayal.  

Realising that adults do not always have our best interests at heart; discovering that friendships are not what they seem; seeing leaders we admire exposed for not embodying the values they espouse; as well as finding out that people do not feel the same way about us as we do about them. 

Any betrayal can cause trauma that might need to be normalised and a sense of loss that might have to be mourned.

Rules for Living
As children many of us are told of the importance of working hard and not breaking the rules and how we will then be rewarded with a happy and successful life.  Those of us who experienced a less stable childhood may have come to believe that if we behave well and do not wilfully hurt others than we will be kept safe.  

To avoid living in a state of anxiety we need to feel safe and secure.  To achieve this it helps if we can believe that the world around us is based upon fairness and justice.  We might even base this on a bargain we make that rewards what we believe is good behaviour.

What is Lost?
The pain of betrayal is often felt so strongly because it reaches to the heart of our belief system and challenges the foundations upon which we have built our lives. 

When someone betrays us they give us proof that our perception of them, and perhaps the world as a whole, was wrong.  They are not as honest as we thought they were, they are not as strong as we thought they were, they are not as loving as we thought they were.  Who is responsible for these misconceptions?  Were they always this way or have they changed without us noticing?  Did they fool us or did we fool ourselves?

Not only is the world, and the people in it, not as we believed them to be but we must now question our ability to understand and correctly evaluate the actions and motives of those around us.  The mechanisms that we have developed to guide us through life have failed us and it can feel like we have to go back to the beginning and start again.

In addition to the trauma of having our beliefs fundamentally challenged, we have also lost the future that we imagined for ourselves as whatever we decide to do things will never be the same again.  Part of our recovery may well include mourning this loss.

What did I do Wrong?
People often talk about feeling foolish after a betrayal as if they should have known what was going on.  Others may struggle to accept the unfairness of it and may begin to question whether there is something that they have done that might have brought this about.  For many of us it can be easier to blame ourselves than another.

While they have let you down by reneging on any promises they might have made, perhaps we do need to take some responsibility for having imagined they were capable of something that they were not.

Explanations not Excuses
Betrayal is often seen in terms of victims and villains with emotions to match, but this risks us failing to appreciate the complexity of the situation.  Once the initial shock has subsided, exploring the reasons for the betrayal can help to put it into context.  We can begin to appreciate why it happened and also gain a clearer understanding of our role in the drama. 

This could be useful in deciding to what extent, if any, we colluded with any cover-up or ignored signs that things were not as they seemed.  It may also help us take a view on whether it was a one-off or is likely to be repeated.  This is not about excusing the betrayal but trying to understand it.

Rebuilding Belief
While personal betrayal is a very painful experience it takes us from a world of assumptions to a closer reality of who we are sharing our life with.   We now have a more accurate understanding of who they are so that any decision about the future is based upon lived experience rather than assumptions.

In order to move forward we may need to revise our view of the people around us and decide how much we will allow them to affect our lives.  This does not mean that they can continue to be their worst self and we must accept that.   We now know what they are capable of and can take a more informed view of any commitment they may make in the future.

Our trust in ourselves and our ability to assess how trustworthy others might be may also need to be restored.   Some conclusions about ourselves and the world we inhabit have been shown to be false.  Depending on the extent of the betrayal we may need to take time to reconstruct our view of the world.  Alternatively it may be that we can simply accept our fallibility and allow this to become part of our new world view.

Counsellors can support people, both individually and as a couple, in understanding the detail of why things happened and help us to decide how we wish to move forward.

© 2018 Michael Golding

​More than three times as many people take their own lives each year than die in traffic accidents.  However, many more are thinking about ending their lives, often without anybody else knowing what is on their mind.

Taboos around Suicide
Suicide can be a divisive subject with views on those who take their own lives ranging from courageous to cowardly.  Healthcare professionals also have mixed responses to those attempting suicide who end up needing hospital treatment.  

The impact of this single event spreads throughout families and friends causing feelings of anger, sadness and guilt.  It can also be passed down through the generations creating a vulnerability among descendants to consider ending their own lives. 

Against this volatile and unpredictable background it can be very hard to express our own feelings about wanting to bring our personal suffering to an end.

The Absence of Hope
Lack of hope is often described as the tipping point for suicide.  As any hope for a change begins to fade the pain of daily life can become overwhelming.  While some people stay alive through consideration of the impact their death might have on those they love, others believe they are becoming a burden and that those closest to them would be better off without them.

Thought to Action
For some people it is important to have decided exactly how they might end their lives, even if it is an option they may never take.  It seems that having an escape route in place makes their pain and struggle easier to bear.  

What makes taking our own lives change from being a possibility to becoming a certainty?  Perhaps for some this is the inevitable final destination of a solitary journey thoughtfully planned out, while for others it is a decision rooted in a broader intention yet made in a moment as the opportunity presents itself.  In either case could a kind word from a loved one, or even a stranger, have changed their course long enough for a different outcome to be considered?

Solitary Journey
Stories abound from people close to those who have taken their own lives who say they did not realise that anything was wrong, or at least not more wrong than usual.  Perhaps this illustrates how we become accustomed to the moods of those around us without appreciating the subtle changes that may be occurring.  We may accept another’s behaviour as being normal for them, even as any positive thoughts and feelings they have for the future start to ebb away.

As each experience is unique there may be few external signs that hope is fading.  Your brain may be whirring in a way that feels scarily out of control or you might be prey to the darkness of low moods when thoughts move sluggish and slow.  Both can create a sense of dislocation and a growing sense that we inhabit our own private world of pain and despair.  

Some of us feel we have become invisible to those around us as they do not see what we are really going through and we are unable to tell them.  We may feel that such a tenuous connection to the world can easily be broken and we will be lost.

Turning Away 
This growing sense of isolation may be the turning point that gives others a clue as to what is happening.  When people turn away from their friends or family, seem to lose interest in the world around them or appear to disengage from regular interactions with others they might be starting down a route that could lead to them taking their own life.  

Breaking the Silence
If you are having thoughts about taking your own life it is important to find someone to tell.  Talking to someone can break that sense of isolation and speaking your thoughts aloud can start to challenge the mindset that nobody really cares about you.  

Believing there is nobody you can to talk to might be part of why you feel the way that you do.   If there is not someone in your immediate circle you feel able to approach there is your GP Surgery and many local groups and organisations who can offer confidential support.  Having that first conversation can make a significant difference to how you feel.

If you have noticed a change in someone it may be that their thoughts have turned a corner and they are heading down the final stretch.   Do not be afraid that you will make it worse as there is no evidence to suggest that this will happen.  You do not need to have the answers to their problems, you are simply showing someone that you care enough about them to want to help.  

Ask them how they are and explain why you are asking.  You may have to ask more than once as our first defence is often to brush others off by saying we are fine.  Then try to listen without judgement to their story.  You may then be able to help them find people and organisations they can contact for further support.  Once you have had that first conversation it can be helpful to follow it up to see how they are getting on.

Reaching out may be enough to hold us until the storm subsides or we are able to find a firmer footing from which to see the world in a more positive way.

If you or someone you know, are feeling vulnerable or alone for whatever reason you can call the Samaritans anytime on 116 123.

© 2018 Michael Golding

​Most of us will be the keeper of a number of secrets throughout our lives.  Many will be for a limited time only, but some of us have bigger secrets we feel we can never tell.  This could be about something we have done, or left undone, or something that someone else has done to us.
 
Secrets and Shame
Perhaps the most common reason we are unable or unwilling to share certain secrets is from a sense of personal shame.  We feel ashamed and believe that others will judge us harshly and possibly see us in a poorer light if they knew more about us.  
 
This can be a powerful motivator and there are many situations in which the threat of being shamed is used by others to keep us from telling.
 
Who is being Protected?
It may be that we are protecting ourselves from the judgement of others.  While others may see us differently, some may also start to view themselves in a different light for not appreciating what was going on for us and perhaps not offering support.  It may be difficult for us to witness these feelings and so we may wish to avoid causing distress and having to deal with it.
 
By not sharing perhaps we can also pretend to ourselves that this did not happen, that we are not like that, and that this has not become part of our personal history.
 
Risky Assumptions
While it is natural to want to present ourselves in a good light, there is a risk in not giving others the full picture.   In the absence of certain information we will frequently fill in the gaps using our own experiences and, all too often, our imagination.  This can lead to people making assumptions about us that may not reflect reality. Interpreting our attitudes and behaviour through the lens of their own experiences risks misunderstanding how we have come to be this way and the beliefs and values that lie behind our thoughts and actions.
 
Knowing Another’s Secrets
While it can be beneficial to share your secrets, this may create difficulties for those you have chosen to share them with.  Holding information about another that you cannot act upon for fear of betraying their trust is a responsibility that can become a significant burden.  Family rifts frequently occur because some members know information that is being withheld from others. 
 
The Secret Self
Holding back can become second nature to us so as not to reveal our secret.  This risks creating a separate and secret self.  This is the person that nobody ever sees and so can never really get to know.   Like a double agent we have relationships with others while always keeping a separate part of our selves securely roped off.
 
People can never fully connect with us if they are only aware of part of the puzzle.  Even if they do not appreciate the reason why, this sense of being excluded will impact on their relationship with us.  It can set a limit to intimacy that may leave us feeling isolated and alone.
 
Carrying a Secret Burden
Secrets can fester and poison us or turn to stone and cripple us with their growing weight.  When we have carried a secret for a long time it can become so much a part of us that it would be like losing a limb to set it down.  We may even have come to define ourselves by our secret and to give it up might make us feel like we are becoming a different person.
 
Sometimes we can be so focussed on keeping the secret we neglect to reassess its importance as time passes.    A secret from long ago may not carry the same impact as customs and cultures change.  We may be able to view the actions of our younger selves through older and more sympathetic eyes.
 
Unburdening Ourselves
The antidote to keeping secrets is to share them with another.  A skilled counsellor may be a good place to start.  They will not judge us and will provide a safe space for us to voice our secret and the fears and anxieties that have kept it hidden.  It may not be as shameful as we think as others might view past incidents in a more sympathetic light.  Or it may yet start a chain of events that we have kept at bay for a very long time.  Hearing our secret spoken aloud may help us to re-evaluate it so we can then make an unfettered choice about our future.
 
Secrets separate us from others and make us isolated.  Perhaps there comes a time when the cost of keeping our secret is greater than the risk of sharing.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

​Compulsions are things we believe we need to do, even when there might not appear to be any rational justification for them.  They may be complex routines or simple actions that punctuate our day.
 
As children there is much we cannot control and we rely on others to do that for us.  Sooner or later there is a shift and we must start to take responsibility for our safety and wellbeing, and perhaps also for those that we love.
 
Rules for Living
We each develop our own very personal rules for living. This provides a framework that supports us in our daily lives.  These rules can be passed down through families or learned from those around us.  Some of these behaviours might be regarded by others as unnecessary, but they can be very important to us.
 
Some people have never been able to build any sense of trust, while for others something happens that shakes their confidence that all will be well.    Part of our response may be to develop a unique set of rules and behaviours that create in us a feeling of security through our ability to shape the future.
 
Variety of Compulsions
Many people have compulsions around keeping things in order.  Their desk or workshop has everything in its own special place.  While there may be advantages in maintaining this level or order, for some keeping the space neat over-rides any other activities.
 
There are compulsions around food which may not be extreme enough to put our health at risk but can affect our approach to eating and limit our choices.  Some people eat by food group or colour, eating all of one thing before starting on the next. 
 
A desire for order can require tasks to be carried out in a particular sequence or repeated for a set number of times.  For many people this can apply to their nightly checking of doors and windows before going to bed.  If the routine is interrupted then we must start again until it is completed.  Only then can we sleep soundly knowing our home is secure.
 
Safety through Control
Compulsions can be seen as a trade-off.  By carrying out certain actions we are hoping to ensure a particular version of the future.  Even without any obvious link between them, we feel we are doing something rather than passively accepting our fate.   What we do keeps us safe and gives us a sense that we are in control of our lives.
 
Emotional Insurance
Many of us struggle with uncertainty. Not knowing what the future may bring can be a constant cause of anxiety.   We can buy insurance to protect us from the possible effects of practical problems, but where can we find cover that will offset our fears about the future and how it might impact on ourselves and those we love?
 
Anchors or Millstones?
Change is all around us and the rate of change seems to be increasing.  While some people are able to go with the flow, many of us need some solid reference points to anchor us in the present.  The routines of our daily lives can provide us with a sense of stability in a changing world.
 
For some people these can start to dominate their lives. They may have a long list of things to be done in a particular way and interruptions mean starting afresh.  Simple actions repeated often enough can also become harmful, such as the skin problems that result from repetitive handwashing.
 
Habits, Preferences or Compulsions?
Perhaps you do things a particular way because you have always done it like this and it has become easy and familiar.  Maybe it is something you like to do but can easily do without.  Consider what it feels like when you are not able to carry out the tasks in the way that you wish.  Do you become frustrated or angry, or perhaps fearful or uncertain?  Is your emotional response in keeping with the situation or does it seem to be out of proportion?
 
Relaxing the Grip
If we can recognise the reality of the threats we are facing and appreciate our ability to meet and manage whatever may befall us, we may be able to break free of the negative thoughts and behaviours controlling our lives.
 
Particular problems have their own solutions, but a more general anxiety or fear about the future is harder to pin down.  Reaching out to others may help us to understand what lies behind these fears.  We may also begin to appreciate the resources that we are able to draw upon.
 
Perhaps then we can start to build the necessary faith and trust in ourselves and those around us.  Gradually we can develop our resilience and begin to believe that if the worst should happen we will not be crushed by it and that we will find a way through.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding

Loneliness is on the increase.  While it has long been recognised as a problem for older people, many young people are now also reporting feeling isolated and alone.
 
As social institutions change it might seem that our culture is moving towards increased isolation so that we are less likely to interact regularly with others.  However it may be that we are not becoming detached from one another, but are connecting in different ways.
 
Loneliness does not Discriminate
Older people who have lost their partners and whose families have perhaps moved away are at a high risk of becoming lonely.  This can be made worse if they have mobility problems and cannot get out of the house easily or often.
 
Young people who have not yet built up their networks, or who have moved to a new area, may also feel a sense of isolation.  This is particularly true for those who have left home to study or pursue work opportunities.
 
Single parents and full-time carers of whatever age can sometimes find they are not able to keep up with friends and start to feel isolated and alone.
 
Sociability and Loneliness
It would be easy to think that introverts would be more vulnerable to loneliness than extroverts.  However introverts often have rich inner lives which can nourish them while extroverts draw their energy from being around other people and can suffer without this.
 
While it would seem obvious to join groups to avoid loneliness, for many of us this can actually reinforce our sense of dislocation.  Sometimes it is easier to tolerate feelings of isolation when you are by yourself than when you are in a crowd.
 
The Antidote to Loneliness
To avoid loneliness it is not enough simply to be around people.  We need to feel connected to others, to have people we care about and who we believe care about us.  This is what nourishes us.
 
Some people find it hard to connect with others as it requires them to open up.  Depending upon past experiences we may need to balance our desire for connection with the need to protect ourselves from being hurt by others.
 
A Shrinking World
Unless we make a conscious effort it is easy to let our world shrink around us.  Inevitably friends and family move away, children grow up and leave, and we lose contact with former colleagues when we change jobs or retire.   By not keeping up with current connections, or replacing them when they are lost to us, our world can shrink so we begin to feel we are alone in the world.
 
Staying Visible
While we might believe there is a good reason to hold back from contact with others, if we limit our connections with the world we may start to become invisible.  For some this can easily become a downward spiral.  When we create a habit of holding back we risk becoming a shadow moving through life without being noticed by others.
 
Identifying the Risks
When thinking about making major changes in our lives, such as moving jobs or home, it could be important to have an awareness of the risk of isolation.  The possibility of feeling lonely and isolated may not normally come into our planning, yet perhaps it should be a significant factor in our decisions rather than being an afterthought.
 
Authentic Relationships
Connecting effectively with others requires us to be ourselves.  When we pretend to be different from who we are we create a barrier.  Others will not be responding to us but who they think we are.  This can mean that we are engaging in a way that does not feel real.
 
While it is particularly easy to create a false self on social media, we can also misrepresent ourselves in our face to face relationships with others.  Staying behind a mask might feel necessary to protect ourselves but it creates a barrier not just to intimacy but possibly to any kind of genuine friendship.  It is the quality of the relationships that nourish us rather than their number.
 
Build and Maintain Connections
Just as loneliness can come from a sense of disconnection and isolation from those around us, the remedy is to start to make connections with others.  This can be through casual conversations with strangers, on buses, and in shops as well as joining groups and clubs of people with shared interests.  By building connections and then maintaining them we can continue to occupy a place in the world.
 
Social networking is often blamed for stopping us from maintaining real relationships, however it also provides an opportunity to connect with people around the world.  Whatever our interests there will be online groups made up of people who like the same things that we do.
 
Stepping Forward
When our mood is low it is tempting to turn away from other people and outside interests. Avoiding challenges might seem the only option when our confidence is shaky.  However stepping back, even for a short time, can make it that much harder to re-engage with the world.
 
When we are not feeling good about ourselves it may be particularly important to keep in practice by regularly interacting with people.  By stepping forward, however tentatively, we can start to reverse the process through forming and maintaining those relationships that can nourish us.  Showing that we are still open to the world also sends a signal to others, as bees do not buzz around a closed flower.
 
A skilled counsellor can be a useful support in overcoming any barriers to making and keeping contact with others and ensuring we keep our place in the world.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding