Stories taken from the lives of others are frequently offered to us as inspirational examples.  These may be religious figures or people from history as well as those who stand out within our own lifetimes as having achieved something unique whether in business, sport or the arts.   

Every age has its icons, and increasingly many aspects of our popular culture also produce a steady stream of people whose lifestyles, irrespective of their achievements, are held up as something for us to aspire to. The motivation behind these popular promotions is often overtly financial, encouraging us to buy into an idea, whether explicitly through purchasing products or implicitly through encouraging the routine viewing of programmes that generate income less directly.  Whether we pick from the selection offered or seek out our own, there are both positives and negatives in focussing on the lives of others in this way.

It is also common for those who are regarded as having been successful to speak directly about their lives. There is an established lecture circuit and regular opportunities to entertain through after-dinner speaking. Whatever the venue, singular people are paid to talk about what they think lies behind their success.

However, these stories about other people often lack detail.  The Entrepreneur seen by those outside their business sector can be viewed as having exceptional skills, which the better informed will recognise as common-place.  Potted histories can never tell the whole story and do not always provide sufficient context to support proper scrutiny.   More importantly they also tell a story that is being evaluated retrospectively.

It seems to me that these attempts to identify specific skills result instead in identifying personality traits, which are often too vaguely defined to be of any wider value and so remain elusive.  Success is often a well-judged, or lucky, response to an external situation.  Where this has a positive outcome we have a role model, where the outcome is negative we are an unlikely to hear about it.

Many of us who have struggled with formal education delight in reading about successful people who dropped out of the established system for education or work and still achieved a position of respect. However, there are many more people who took the same route without a positive outcome whose names we will never know.

While extremes of performance or endurance can be inspiring they can also be daunting.  What may begin by making us feel that anything is possible may, when the euphoria has passed, reinforce a belief that this is the case for other people but not for us.  

I have experienced a cycle that began with interest which turned into admiration. The admiration changed to inspiration, which for a short time could possibly have become motivation.  However, the differences between our stories soon started to emerge in sharper relief leaving me more deflated than before.

It is interesting to consider the lives of successful people but by their nature they are unique stories, often about unique situations, so their particular route to achievement cannot be replicated.  Our own life stories are unlikely to correlate in factual detail with any of them, not least because we are reading about an interpretation of the past.

When viewed as examples of how people have overcome emotional or spiritual difficulties, such stories can be inspiring and can reach across time.  Rather than focussing on the events of the story, their emotional responses show us something that we can relate to in a way that can produce a positive outcome. Identifying with personal qualities, their values, emotion and commitment can be helpful; trying to replicate their story or particular circumstances is a dead-end.  Connecting with the passions and values of others will enrich and inspire us.  Using the stories of the lives of others as a route map will lead us nowhere.

Rather than focussing on the lives of others in search of a role model, I believe it is more useful for us to draw inspiration from any parallels in our emotional lives.  Considering the actions of people at the extremes inspires awe but is unlikely to inspire action.  Perhaps our role models should be ordinary heroes, not examples of the best but of the best possible.

I do not think it is useful for us to focus for long on stories about the success of others.  Each path is different and the limits of our possibilities and the efforts required to achieve them are seldom the same.  It would be sad for their imagined voices to drown out our own.  

© 2014 Michael Golding

When thinking about some of the people who have been regarded as the most evil in history, I begin to wonder how they perceived themselves, both at the time they were carrying out some of their most extreme acts and when they looked back on what they had done.  We are told that psychopaths, or sociopaths, have limited empathy and so are relatively immune to pangs of conscience.   While this may allow for incidents of extreme behaviour, it would seem to me unlikely to be enough to support an individual through a decade or more of repeated acts of what others would regard as cruelty. 

I suspect that few people would see themselves as evil or even unjust and that most of those the world has labelled as one or the other will have created a story for themselves that allows them to feel justified in their actions.  This is also the case for people behaving in ways that are less extreme, but whose actions may still be regarded by some as unacceptable. They will have created a personal narrative that counters any alternative view and reinforces a belief in their right to act in this way.  Those who disagree with them may describe this as some form of rationalisation, which implies that at some deeper level they know they are deceiving themselves.   However I think it is important to acknowledge the implied power dynamic in believing that we know someone better than they know themselves and it might be useful to reflect upon how this feels when we are subjected to the supposed superior knowledge of others.

As children we accumulate a set of beliefs from a variety of sources that we use to construct a picture of who we are and what we believe life to be about.  As we move through time the pictures are modified, or drawn anew, and when considered in sequence form a narrative of our lives.  This story is tested at regular intervals against our direct experience and the narratives that we receive from others.  When others are perceived to be more experienced, and possibly more powerful, than us we may choose to accept their narratives over our own perceptions.  This can be particularly true when we are young, for example the influence of family and teachers can be significant, and may also continue into adulthood.  We are offered a range of role models for every age of our lives.  Religious or political views and principles may also provide a thread whose influence may expand or contract throughout the lifetime of our personal narratives.

There is a story that we tell ourselves and there are those that others tell to us. The process for validating each of these is the same.  A comparison with what we may regard as facts would seem to be one way. However the identification and description of those facts, or life events, presents a further opportunity for constructing additional narratives.  I believe that the only useful test is for our personal narratives to be measured against our own lived experience, and to recognise the fictional aspect of both.

It is important to acknowledge any gaps that exist between these narratives.  Where the gap between our self-perception and the accounts we receive from influential others is large, there is a risk that we cease to believe our internal narrative and begin to rely on that external viewpoint to define who we are.  Others will have their own reasons for the way they choose to define us, which will in turn be affected by the stories that they have chosen to accept for themselves.

Where a gap exists between our lived experience and the personal narrative that we have chosen, it can be tempting to disregard any contradictions and create a safe distance between our self-perception and our experience.  By rewriting our histories we can maintain our view despite contradictory real-time experiences.  Sometimes our personal history is such that only by remodelling it in this way can we create a narrative that we are able to tolerate.  While this can be an essential strategy for survival, particularly when we are young, it may cast a long shadow into adulthood that keeps us from fully engaging in a present where darkness is no longer predominant.

Some people have settled upon a personal narrative that exaggerates aspects of themselves that they believe to be desirable, while others choose to focus on what they understand to be negatives.  Both may need to seek out situations in which these views are confirmed.

I believe it is important for us to construct our own narrative and not to let circumstances, events or other people do this for us.  There are many people who are all too willing to tell us who we are, how we feel and what we should do.  The word ‘should’ has been identified as a negative precursor to unhelpful direction which it is always wise to challenge.

A key element of my own resilience is my ability to adapt, or rather to accept a redefinition of who I am and what my life is about.  This allows me to try out different roles and explore a range of pathways that generate learning that I can then use positively to more accurately describe my own personal narrative and my place within it.  The narrative we construct will develop and need to be reviewed regularly, both in response to changes in our environment and also as our personal aspirations evolve.  This does not involve creating a fresh narrative. It is about identifying and understanding the narrative that you have created.  Its usefulness will relate directly to how accurately it describes you and reflects the world that you inhabit.

It is important to have a narrative that comes from within, is up to date, that you feel respect for and that is confirmed regularly by your life experience.  As I get older, I find it less important that it matches the perceptions of others.  As I learn to listen to my own instincts and intuitions, understand their meanings, I can develop a story that is confirmed rather than contradicted by my real-time experience.

My ideal narrative is a solid story that does not need to be revised at every set-back and which evolves in response to my lived experience. By considering my personal narrative I am able to understand my previous actions and to know why I am here.

© 2014 Michael Golding

I believe that we all carry within us the necessary drivers to support our individual flourishing.  However, like all living things we are shaped by our environment.  In our case the biggest influence comes from the people around us, though circumstances may also play a significant role.  For most of us our early relationships influence our perception of our own ability while our circumstances affect the scale at which we are likely to be able to flourish.  Although there are often quoted examples where ability and ambition have gelled to allow people to transcend their origins, these are statistically rare and can easily become a distraction. 

In addition to the abilities that we have in common with others, we have individual talents that can be nurtured to become skills at various levels of specialisation, potentially to a degree that makes them unique.  Nurturing can be as much about protection from the harmful effects of toxins as ensuring maximum benefit through the addition of nutrients, while circumstances can complement or impede this growth.

With regard to individual flourishing, I draw no major distinction between successful entrepreneurs who may be running a corner shop or an international retail chain.  The differences between them are the scale of their operations and the scope of their influence. These can be traced back to the circumstances surrounding their personal development and how they have matched their ambition with opportunity.

Accepting that we each have a number of drivers, we also have the choice of which to pursue.  This requires us to identify, understand and acknowledge our abilities and then align these with our own individual interests.  The advantage that knowledge brings when it becomes understanding is to increase the choices available to us.  Those around us may encourage us to choose freely or seek to limit us through social or cultural stereotyping.  We may resist or acquiesce, take an easy path or one that stretches our abilities, depending on the voice we choose to listen to.

Identifying our actual and potential skills and abilities can happen naturally throughout our childhood and may even be regarded as one of the key objectives of formal education though this is seldom explicit.  This is an ideal time to learn about ourselves as well as the world we inhabit, and to explore how the two might fit together. 

For me this started out well enough with creativity being encouraged and individuality applauded.  All too soon this became a case of trying to round off the edges so that we could all squeeze into a similar mould. This left some of us worrying about the gaps that remained, and we tried filling the holes with other people’s left-overs.  Not surprisingly they did not fit and failed to connect fully with what was already there.  The shapes that emerged were recognisable from a distance but uniformity diminished the closer you got.  It took me many years to remove the extras I had tacked on and return to my original self, and it felt very much like I was starting again.  I can see now that the mould had become so worn that even the original pattern would not have recognised it as their own.  This had as much to do with the time I spent at home as well as school, and it was only when I was sufficiently removed from both that new growth that was truly my own could begin.

The motivation to become our best, rather than an idea of best that is inherited or introjected from those around us, is a fundamental desire and a natural process.   It will shine through if unfettered by the negative influences and distractions of others and if it is nourished appropriately.  It will be brightest when it is based on our own personal drivers to flourishing and not reflecting back the light from others.

There will be times when we need help with identifying our possible drivers, with deciding which will become our focus and how they can be nurtured.  There is nothing to be gained by lamenting the false starts, the dead-ends we wandered down and the wrong directions we were given.  Instead let us seek out those who can work with us to find our light and feed our flames so that we can become our brightest and our best.

© 2014 Michael Golding

I thought that I was doing well in my new role.  I had brought focus and structure to the organisation through applying my knowledge and skills in key areas such as operational delivery, managing people and strategic planning.  On my appointment I had made it clear that I was inexperienced in organisational financial management and that I would need additional support.  This support was very late in coming and in the meantime I put together a simple system that allowed me to monitor the organisational finances and prepare reports for the Board.  This was much more effective than the processes already in place, and initially I was able to expand it further to meet the increasing needs of the organisation as it grew.  The Chair and the rest of the Board seemed satisfied and appeared to have all of the information they needed to support their financial planning.  Every year I quizzed the accountants about the suitability of these arrangements, and was told that while it was unorthodox it seemed to be working well and they saw no reason to change.

Several years passed and the scale of the organisation, and the range of services it was providing, had increased significantly along with the complexity of the external environment.   With my home-grown systems I was now barely holding my own, though it was only much later when faced with extreme financial pressures and dwindling reserves that this became fully apparent.  

I had been comparing my performance with my expectation of what I would be able to do.  I was surprised by what I had achieved and so I wrongly assessed the outcome, exaggerating its true value.  This was probably also the case for those around me.  Had we made comparisons with other similar organisations, rather than with our expectations of our own abilities, we may have noticed the gap a lot sooner.  While perhaps I was flourishing personally, after a time this became less than was needed.

I had learned a lot and was able to stretch the limits of my ability and understanding in a particular area, where before I had only theoretical knowledge.  I was satisfied with the results but in this particular case I was using the wrong measuring stick.  I was looking to my expectations and those close to me to measure my performance.  Had I looked a little further, beyond my own immediate situation, I could have made more useful comparisons.  In the beginning I was flourishing but at some point this positive individual experience began to have a negative impact on the organisation that for a time nobody seemed to notice. 

It is not just about what I was able to do and what was best for me.  Whatever may have been happening for me, the organisation as a whole was far from flourishing.  My distress flares finally received a response from the Board and at a time of financial crisis we had to completely reorganise our financial structures using our limited resources to purchase high-level external expertise.  I was later severely penalised for some of my financial management decisions. 

I believe that we are here to flourish both individually and collectively. This puts a responsibility on us to help others to flourish, and to help create an environment in which we can all flourish.  This argument is easy to make when we talk about children, but I believe it continues to be valid for all of us at every stage of our lives.

Flourishing is not a once in a lifetime experience, nor is it a plateau which we aim to reach so we can then stop striving.  We may achieve what is best for us today but another day is another situation.  We therefore continue, not starting again but building upon what we have learnt about ourselves and the world that we inhabit.  This can be imagined as a spiral that moves continuously through a range of similar processes and which progresses ever upwards.  Each time-cycle brings its own circumstances and just as you cannot step into the same place twice in a flowing river, no two seasons are the same.  Extending this metaphor, if you fail to flourish at any time as you work your way around, it will not keep you from flourishing in the future.

Your best might be enough for now but if you do not continue to grow, either through lack of ability or interest, your best may not always be enough for a particular situation and it is important to acknowledge this without shame. 

 © 2014 Michael Golding

The question of why we are here has been explored by mystics, philosophers, writers and other artists from the beginning of time.  Their conclusions have ranged from simple explanations of observed phenomena to highly complex systems and structures that position us in relation to a myriad of events both real and imagined.  All too often they feel obliged to incorporate contemporary political or religious thinking to placate the prevailing power brokers leading to a distortion of their original vision.

The distance between us and the other creatures that inhabit this planet often seems great.  Rather than being at one with nature many of us have chosen to be at war with her, continuously striving to change the face of the planet in a way that would appear to suit us, irrespective of the impact on others.  It is ironic that the benefits of finding ever more sophisticated forms of shelter and convenient access to the ever increasing list of what we believe to be necessities come at a very high price in the time and effort we have to commit to achieving them. 

Despite these supposed differences, I believe that the answer to this question is primarily the same for all living things.  Simply expressed, we are all here to flourish.  Focussing upon this as the core principle does not deny environmental or situational influences and so I would add that flourishing is about becoming the best that you can be taking account of the circumstances within which you find yourself.

The first layer of complexity comes with our individual differences both in terms of the uniqueness of our personalities and how we have responded to the impact of our personal histories.  The second layer of complexity comes with our need to flourish alongside and in collaboration with others who are likely to be working through a different cycle to our own.

The variations in the circumstances needed for each of us to flourish and the impact that we have, each upon the other, through our attempts to become our best can risk creating conflict through competition for what are perceived to be the best, or most easily accessible, resources.  There is plenty of evidence to support this.

However, I believe that it is possible for all of us to flourish to our maximum extent once we begin to understand the true nature of what this means for us, individually and collectively.

Flourishing within your present environment may seem to become more challenging when seen within the context of the recognised achievements of others, but this is only the case if we are all to pursue the same external objectives.  The true nature of personal endeavour that I am promoting is to flourish in collaboration with others and the underlying principal is one of communal benefit through individual flourishing rather than an individual receiving benefit through flourishing at the expense of others. This requires us to value difference and accept variation without denigration.

This is not about being the best in comparison with others, but being the best that you can be within the moment.  This does not mean that there is not a role for competition between individuals, but that individual flourishing is not measured in this way.  Nor is this something that is achieved once and for all.  I believe this to be a continuous and dynamic process as we move ever closer towards becoming more our authentic selves rather than striving for some external ideal.  This does not need to be a solitary journey, and we can all use a little help from time to time.

 © 2014 Michael Golding