Constructing a Narrative for your Life

When thinking about some of the people who have been regarded as the most evil in history, I begin to wonder how they perceived themselves, both at the time they were carrying out some of their most extreme acts and when they looked back on what they had done.  We are told that psychopaths, or sociopaths, have limited empathy and so are relatively immune to pangs of conscience.   While this may allow for incidents of extreme behaviour, it would seem to me unlikely to be enough to support an individual through a decade or more of repeated acts of what others would regard as cruelty. 

I suspect that few people would see themselves as evil or even unjust and that most of those the world has labelled as one or the other will have created a story for themselves that allows them to feel justified in their actions.  This is also the case for people behaving in ways that are less extreme, but whose actions may still be regarded by some as unacceptable. They will have created a personal narrative that counters any alternative view and reinforces a belief in their right to act in this way.  Those who disagree with them may describe this as some form of rationalisation, which implies that at some deeper level they know they are deceiving themselves.   However I think it is important to acknowledge the implied power dynamic in believing that we know someone better than they know themselves and it might be useful to reflect upon how this feels when we are subjected to the supposed superior knowledge of others.

As children we accumulate a set of beliefs from a variety of sources that we use to construct a picture of who we are and what we believe life to be about.  As we move through time the pictures are modified, or drawn anew, and when considered in sequence form a narrative of our lives.  This story is tested at regular intervals against our direct experience and the narratives that we receive from others.  When others are perceived to be more experienced, and possibly more powerful, than us we may choose to accept their narratives over our own perceptions.  This can be particularly true when we are young, for example the influence of family and teachers can be significant, and may also continue into adulthood.  We are offered a range of role models for every age of our lives.  Religious or political views and principles may also provide a thread whose influence may expand or contract throughout the lifetime of our personal narratives.

There is a story that we tell ourselves and there are those that others tell to us. The process for validating each of these is the same.  A comparison with what we may regard as facts would seem to be one way. However the identification and description of those facts, or life events, presents a further opportunity for constructing additional narratives.  I believe that the only useful test is for our personal narratives to be measured against our own lived experience, and to recognise the fictional aspect of both.

It is important to acknowledge any gaps that exist between these narratives.  Where the gap between our self-perception and the accounts we receive from influential others is large, there is a risk that we cease to believe our internal narrative and begin to rely on that external viewpoint to define who we are.  Others will have their own reasons for the way they choose to define us, which will in turn be affected by the stories that they have chosen to accept for themselves.

Where a gap exists between our lived experience and the personal narrative that we have chosen, it can be tempting to disregard any contradictions and create a safe distance between our self-perception and our experience.  By rewriting our histories we can maintain our view despite contradictory real-time experiences.  Sometimes our personal history is such that only by remodelling it in this way can we create a narrative that we are able to tolerate.  While this can be an essential strategy for survival, particularly when we are young, it may cast a long shadow into adulthood that keeps us from fully engaging in a present where darkness is no longer predominant.

Some people have settled upon a personal narrative that exaggerates aspects of themselves that they believe to be desirable, while others choose to focus on what they understand to be negatives.  Both may need to seek out situations in which these views are confirmed.

I believe it is important for us to construct our own narrative and not to let circumstances, events or other people do this for us.  There are many people who are all too willing to tell us who we are, how we feel and what we should do.  The word ‘should’ has been identified as a negative precursor to unhelpful direction which it is always wise to challenge.

A key element of my own resilience is my ability to adapt, or rather to accept a redefinition of who I am and what my life is about.  This allows me to try out different roles and explore a range of pathways that generate learning that I can then use positively to more accurately describe my own personal narrative and my place within it.  The narrative we construct will develop and need to be reviewed regularly, both in response to changes in our environment and also as our personal aspirations evolve.  This does not involve creating a fresh narrative. It is about identifying and understanding the narrative that you have created.  Its usefulness will relate directly to how accurately it describes you and reflects the world that you inhabit.

It is important to have a narrative that comes from within, is up to date, that you feel respect for and that is confirmed regularly by your life experience.  As I get older, I find it less important that it matches the perceptions of others.  As I learn to listen to my own instincts and intuitions, understand their meanings, I can develop a story that is confirmed rather than contradicted by my real-time experience.

My ideal narrative is a solid story that does not need to be revised at every set-back and which evolves in response to my lived experience. By considering my personal narrative I am able to understand my previous actions and to know why I am here.

© 2014 Michael Golding