Living with Loneliness

Loneliness is on the increase.  While it has long been recognised as a problem for older people, many young people are now also reporting feeling isolated and alone.
 
As social institutions change it might seem that our culture is moving towards increased isolation so that we are less likely to interact regularly with others.  However it may be that we are not becoming detached from one another, but are connecting in different ways.
 
Loneliness does not Discriminate
Older people who have lost their partners and whose families have perhaps moved away are at a high risk of becoming lonely.  This can be made worse if they have mobility problems and cannot get out of the house easily or often.
 
Young people who have not yet built up their networks, or who have moved to a new area, may also feel a sense of isolation.  This is particularly true for those who have left home to study or pursue work opportunities.
 
Single parents and full-time carers of whatever age can sometimes find they are not able to keep up with friends and start to feel isolated and alone.
 
Sociability and Loneliness
It would be easy to think that introverts would be more vulnerable to loneliness than extroverts.  However introverts often have rich inner lives which can nourish them while extroverts draw their energy from being around other people and can suffer without this.
 
While it would seem obvious to join groups to avoid loneliness, for many of us this can actually reinforce our sense of dislocation.  Sometimes it is easier to tolerate feelings of isolation when you are by yourself than when you are in a crowd.
 
The Antidote to Loneliness
To avoid loneliness it is not enough simply to be around people.  We need to feel connected to others, to have people we care about and who we believe care about us.  This is what nourishes us.
 
Some people find it hard to connect with others as it requires them to open up.  Depending upon past experiences we may need to balance our desire for connection with the need to protect ourselves from being hurt by others.
 
A Shrinking World
Unless we make a conscious effort it is easy to let our world shrink around us.  Inevitably friends and family move away, children grow up and leave, and we lose contact with former colleagues when we change jobs or retire.   By not keeping up with current connections, or replacing them when they are lost to us, our world can shrink so we begin to feel we are alone in the world.
 
Staying Visible
While we might believe there is a good reason to hold back from contact with others, if we limit our connections with the world we may start to become invisible.  For some this can easily become a downward spiral.  When we create a habit of holding back we risk becoming a shadow moving through life without being noticed by others.
 
Identifying the Risks
When thinking about making major changes in our lives, such as moving jobs or home, it could be important to have an awareness of the risk of isolation.  The possibility of feeling lonely and isolated may not normally come into our planning, yet perhaps it should be a significant factor in our decisions rather than being an afterthought.
 
Authentic Relationships
Connecting effectively with others requires us to be ourselves.  When we pretend to be different from who we are we create a barrier.  Others will not be responding to us but who they think we are.  This can mean that we are engaging in a way that does not feel real.
 
While it is particularly easy to create a false self on social media, we can also misrepresent ourselves in our face to face relationships with others.  Staying behind a mask might feel necessary to protect ourselves but it creates a barrier not just to intimacy but possibly to any kind of genuine friendship.  It is the quality of the relationships that nourish us rather than their number.
 
Build and Maintain Connections
Just as loneliness can come from a sense of disconnection and isolation from those around us, the remedy is to start to make connections with others.  This can be through casual conversations with strangers, on buses, and in shops as well as joining groups and clubs of people with shared interests.  By building connections and then maintaining them we can continue to occupy a place in the world.
 
Social networking is often blamed for stopping us from maintaining real relationships, however it also provides an opportunity to connect with people around the world.  Whatever our interests there will be online groups made up of people who like the same things that we do.
 
Stepping Forward
When our mood is low it is tempting to turn away from other people and outside interests. Avoiding challenges might seem the only option when our confidence is shaky.  However stepping back, even for a short time, can make it that much harder to re-engage with the world.
 
When we are not feeling good about ourselves it may be particularly important to keep in practice by regularly interacting with people.  By stepping forward, however tentatively, we can start to reverse the process through forming and maintaining those relationships that can nourish us.  Showing that we are still open to the world also sends a signal to others, as bees do not buzz around a closed flower.
 
A skilled counsellor can be a useful support in overcoming any barriers to making and keeping contact with others and ensuring we keep our place in the world.
 
© 2018 Michael Golding