Living with Estrangement

Managing the pressures of everyday life may not allow us enough time to maintain our extended relationships.  It is easy to lose track of people with passing time creating an emotional distance that can be hard to overcome. 
 
Losing Touch
We have all had people in our lives that used to be close but who we do not see any more.  They could be friends from school or work or relatives living at a distance.  We may have shared good times or sorrows, or been together during important events in our lives.
 
Flicking through photo albums in our hands or in our heads, people who appeared frequently may no longer be present.  They may have faded gradually or disappeared abruptly.  Taking time to reflect on why we lost touch and the impact on our lives may help us accept the decision rather than harbour resentment.
 
Intention or Neglect?
The distance between us may have come about through neglect or perhaps there was a disagreement left unresolved.  Maybe it so long since we last connected that the gap feels too big to cross.  Sometimes a dispute creates a barrier and the more time passes it becomes harder to explain and easier to leave things as they are.  The question remains whether this is how we want it to be.
 
Turning Towards or Away
Maintaining relationships is a choice.  Even those family connections we did not choose initially are maintained through a mutual agreement.  These are conversations we seldom have but our continued actions show our ongoing consent. 
 
We nourish our relationships by attending to them, giving our time and sharing our thoughts and feelings.  Holding back causes them to wither.  By turning towards or away we can try to bring people closer into our orbit or send them spinning off into space.
 
Protecting Ourselves
Estrangement can involve cutting people out of our lives that do not bring us joy.  Many of us feel obligated to maintain relationships that cause us pain.  We persuade ourselves that people will change or we must tolerate their behaviour for the sake of others.  Sometimes we do not believe we deserve anything more.
 
Stepping back creates the distance we need to be able to reflect on the true value of our relationships and the price of keeping the connection.  Our heads may tell us about the impact of our decisions but our hearts will show us the true cost.
 
The Price of Estrangement
Choosing to step away comes at a price.  Whether it is a rational choice or an emotional response, there will be consequences.  In some cases it is worth paying and far less than the emotional interest that accumulates when we waste ourselves on relationships that will never flourish.  The initial payment may seem high but ending one relationship gives space for someone else to bring something better into our lives.
 
Testing Assumptions
When another’s silence starts becoming permanent we may feel pushed away and tempted to try to fill the gaps with our own stories.  Their actions maybe through intention or neglect. Avoiding easy assumptions and finding out and facing their reasons allow us to understand what we really want to happen.
 
Reaching Out or Holding Back
We decide who we wish to keep in our lives and to choose how close we would like them to be.   It can be hard to maintain a safe distance from people who do not care about us in the way that we need them to.  However, it is better to have a small patch of beautiful flowers than a field choked with weeds.
 
You cannot make choices for another person but you can influence them by showing what it would be like to have you in their lives.  That could be a gift worth giving. 
 
© 2019 Michael Golding