Living with Abandonment

Being abandoned brings a unique mix of emotions because it can raise important questions that might remain unanswered for the rest of our lives.
 
Different Forms of Abandonment
The feeling comes from having being left behind, often suddenly, and usually without any explanation.  It may be a partner or a parent leaving to pursue another life that we may never be a part of; a child that runs away who is never heard of again; or even someone dying suddenly and leaving us alone.
 
Whatever happens, it can feel as if someone has rejected the life they shared with us and chosen to go somewhere we cannot follow.
 
The Fallout from Being Abandoned
When a relationship ends there will always be unanswered questions.  When this happens suddenly without sufficient explanation those questions may continue to reverberate throughout our life.  The emotional ripples will affect each of us differently.  We may feel excluded, possibly even rejected, and carry a sense of loss for the unknown life that might have been.  Without the comfort of having any context within which to place the event, we are left uncertain with only our imagination to help us fill in the gaps.
 
Different Impact for Children and Adults
Children tend not to have developed a solid sense of their identity and so could be more vulnerable to creating a negative story in which they are to blame for the actions of others.  They are also at risk of developing a sense that this is all they deserve and a persistent fear that it will happen again which may affect all of their future relationships.
 
Adults tend to have a stronger sense of self and so could be less likely to draw conclusions which position them as villains in the story.  However doubts are likely to persist and fear of exclusion or rejection can feed into our future emotional responses.  We are part of the story but we may struggle to find a role that fits.
 
A Form of Loss
Abandonment is a unique form of loss.  We have lost the image of the person we thought we knew as their unexpected actions demonstrate how wrong we were about them.  Gone too is the future we believed we would share.  We may also have lost a sense of ourselves as a good person if we do not deserve someone to stay around or at least to stay in touch. At the very least our judgement of others has been undermined.
 
While it can be important to mourn your loss this can seem impossible if you are unsure what you have lost, why and who is to blame.
 
Creating a Context
Being able to move on requires us to have a credible story we can tell ourselves and others. The child of a single parent must rely upon the possibly biased account of the one left behind.  The adopted child may have nobody to tell them the reason why.  Children leaving the parental home without warning create a space that exists forever.
 
It can be hard to imagine a realistic context for any situation when it is seen through a veil of complex emotions.  
 
Unanswered Questions
The future slate has been wiped clean but the past remains to be scrutinised again and again in the search for clues.  Often our focus will be on what we did or did not do, though perhaps the most elusive thread is whether there is anything we can still do to bring them back into our life.  Resolution requires us to deal with these questions, even if it means accepting that we may never know.
 
Secret Shame
It is tempting to conclude we were abandoned because we were not valued enough for them to stay around or to take us with them.  Believing that others will draw a similar conclusion can mean we keep from sharing that part of our lives.  Carrying this secret shame will affect the way we see ourselves and what we feel we deserve from others. Holding back parts of our story can be a barrier to intimacy and allows unspoken beliefs to fester unchallenged.
 
Responsibility not Blame
Perhaps if we can identify a different villain for our story we will be able to move beyond blaming ourselves.  While there may have been a number of villains, blame is unlikely to help us close the chapter and move ahead unhindered.  If the goal becomes understanding rather than judging, then responsibility can be apportioned without blame.
 
Closing the Chapter
A possible starting point is to recognise that another’s actions are not our responsibility. We are not accountable for their choices, even though we may have had a role to play.   Find a story that fits what you know and that does not include too many guesses.  Avoid creating devils and angels, but instead view the characters as people trying to resolve situations the best way they knew how however flawed that may have been.  Finally try to let go of what you cannot know, so that you are able to turn the page and move ahead without always looking back.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding