Emotion is a Vital Ingredient

Whenever we interact with others, how we feel at the time will colour the experience and affect the outcome.  The stronger the emotions are the more significant their role will be and the greater their impact.

The feelings may be part of the reason for the action or may be anticipating the outcome.  Wherever the balance may lie, they will be an integral and influential part of the whole experience.  Nothing we do is devoid of emotions.  If they are not obvious then we need to look a little harder.  If they are easy to see, it may be useful to look beyond the surface to appreciate the real emotional drivers for any situation.

From infancy we have been developing our ability to recognise the emotions of others that echo through their words and actions.  Initially we may have needed these skills for our survival. This reduces as we become less dependent on others, yet continues to be an important source of social and cultural information throughout our lives.  We cannot help but feel the emotions behind the words and deeds of others. While it is easy to be distracted by the written word, watching and listening can give us all of the information we need. 

Professional actors have learned to inhabit a constructed world where they can feign emotions that convince us for the time we share with them.  Politicians must maintain their roles and over time a supposed requirement for presenting an externally acquired message irrespective of personal feelings has for many become a permanent part of their visible persona.  Much of the frustration we feel with those in authority results from a poor connection between their words and their emotions.

Real life relationships are required to last longer and do not come with props and music to help direct the mood.  We have all experienced people who believe they are successfully masking their real feelings by using a learned language of empathy.  At the time they may even be convinced their feelings are genuine.  We experience this as hollow, or at best confusing. The lack of congruence between their words and emotions will be communicated to us in a myriad of tiny ways that are sensed even when not completely understood. 

Parents or teachers who talk or act against their true feelings will leave children feeling something is wrong and possibly drawing unhelpful conclusions about the cause.  The same is true for any leader who disagrees with, or is ambivalent about, what they are asking others to do. This creates confusion in their troops, or staff, affecting morale and commitment that puts the task and possibly the wider project at risk. 

Public sector professionals required to pass on a message they are personally at odds with will not be able to convince or reassure their clients, patients or customers.  Only the finest actor can successfully espouse a conviction they do not genuinely feel.  There a very few of those, professional or otherwise, and even they can only maintain the illusion for as long as we allow.  The rest of us who try this will be experienced as liars, or at the very least lacking authenticity, undermining both our personal authority and the credibility of the message we are trying to communicate.

Any activity involves us in a sequence of decisions, some with more intention than others, as we measure out the different forms of personal effort and resources we believe are needed to accomplish the task.  It is all too easy to overlook the emotional content.

Consider preparing a meal for someone you do not like. Even if you do not deliberately spoil the experience, it is likely you will do no more than the bare minimum that is required.  Compare this with creating a meal for someone you love.  Whatever your abilities in the kitchen, you will do all you can to make the experience the best it can be.  I can imagine coming to the table in each of these situations and having a very different experience.

Words or actions with positive intent driven by negative emotion will only have limited success.  If we are fearful or uncertain before we begin it will be reflected in our words and actions.  We may be tentative when a firmer touch is needed, or fail to convince those whose contribution is also needed.   Our commitment may waver causing us to abandon a project before completion or not attend sufficiently to all of the details so that present or future failure is built in.  We can be sabotaged by our own emotional ambivalence as underlying conflicts undermine our concentration or commitment without even coming into awareness.

I wonder how it would be if before we act we were to reflect upon the emotional content of what we are about to do or say so that we can confirm that it is what we want it to be.  If we cannot be sure what lies behind our actions, then we might consider holding back until we are.  If there is a need to act then perhaps it is important to try to identify a positive emotion to drive the actions so as not to undermine the value of what we are doing.

If we are not able to act with love, compassion or kindness – maybe it would be better not to act at all.

© 2015 Michael Golding