Achieving Ordinary Empathy

I use this phrase to refer to the ordinary empathy that all of us could show to one another every day, rather than the special empathy of the therapist or care professional.  In reality there is probably little difference between the two except in the frequency, and possibly the intensity, with which they are experienced.

For me empathy is easy to define but not always easy to achieve.  It could be said that there are degrees of empathy, and perhaps total empathy is only achieved for precious moments at a time.  I wonder if this variance in degree also explains why there are so many conflicting views of what it is and how it can be achieved.

I believe that there are two separate elements that need to be combined for an empathic connection to be made.   The first step is properly attending to the other person.  This is much more than simply listening to any words that are being spoken.  It is about paying attention with all of our senses to what is actually being communicated.  A simple example would be somebody telling you they are fine when their face looks troubled or their body seems to be sagging as though shouldering an invisible weight.  A more complex example would be someone seeming to talk about one thing when they are really talking about something else.  In both cases the true meaning of what is being communicated goes beyond the words being used.

Giving someone our full attention also means listening without presuming to know what is being said.  When someone is talking it can be tempting to assume that we understand what they are saying even before they have finished their sentence.  This may be through a cultural short-hand or familiarity based on previous experience.  To facilitate dialogue it is easy to use these assumptions to prepare our own response while the other continues to speak, even though this risks missing out on some of the detail of what is being said.  The exchange that results may be dynamic but will struggle to achieve any depth. 

There are many phrases that we use to reassure the other that we have understood which have themselves become further obstacles to communication.  Telling someone that you have heard them is unnecessary.  If it is true then it does not need to be said, but if the point has been missed then saying this will add another layer to the barrier that is growing between you.  

Studies of micro-expressions show that we unconsciously provide a range of information through our facial muscles and other gestures that communicate our thoughts and feelings.  Work carried out with babies and animals have highlighted the accuracy and importance of these non-verbal indicators.  The words we use can illuminate the stories we wish to tell, but can also obscure their meanings, whether intentionally or not.   Where there is uncertainty about what is being communicated we can ask for further clarification or check out the accuracy by recounting what we believe we have understood.  All the information that we need to understand one another is before us, we simply need to take notice.

The second element, and where I believe attempts at empathy so often break down, is using our imagination.  Empathy begins with our ability to imagine what it would be like to be the other person experiencing the situation they have described.  This is very different from remembering when something similar happened to us, or to someone we know, and sharing our understanding.  This would be relating to the experience of another.  Neither is it imagining what it would be like if it happened to us and focussing on how we might feel in the same situation.  This is identifying with the experience of the other and, if we are feeling negative emotions, we may sympathise with them.

Both of these responses have their place but are based on our experience, whether real or imagined.  If the situation were to be experienced by us it would be different from the account that we are hearing.  While the supposed familiarity of the experience could give us a feeling of having made a connection, we may well have created an obstacle to any real understanding.  Empathy is imagining what it was actually like for the other person. 

When we apply ordinary empathy we have the opportunity to understand one another better.  This is because we are not interpreting through a comparison with our own lives, we are endeavouring to understand the other’s life as lived by them.  We gain a greater insight into who they are and why they do what they do and, as a result, we will be better able to connect with them. 

The consequences of a failure to connect can be significant and may increase over time.  Initially my inability to understand what you wish me to know means we cannot bridge the gap between us.  The more failed attempts there are, the harder it will become.  Repeated failures may mean that one or both of us gives up trying.  Not understanding how another person thinks or feels leads to separation, and possibly isolation, and will be a constant barrier to intimacy.

I believe that empathy, and the intimacy that results, is a way of overcoming the existential isolation that we experience throughout our lives.  Fully appreciating the lives of others allows us to form connections.  Understanding others helps us to understand ourselves. Valuing another to the point where we put ourselves to one side so that we can truly connect with them is a measure of how much we care for them. 

Empathy does not need to be taught.  There was a time before we knew spoken language when all we had to rely on was our understanding of the visual clues offered to us by others.  We need to dial down the white noise of our own egos and assumptions to connect with the purer notes being broadcast to us.  Once the details are understood, our imagination can create a bridge into the hearts and minds of another.

© 2014 Michael Golding