​Though often regarded as a negative emotion, jealousy has a role in helping us identify what is important in our lives.  The challenge is to keep it from getting out of our control.
 
Culturally Normal
Every culture has things which are regarded as important and that therefore become desirable.  We are encouraged to want them and having them is frequently seen as a reward for effort or recognition of status.  Feeling jealous is the sign that we too wish to have it and is experienced by most of us at various times throughout our lives.
 
Wanting, Having and Keeping
It begins with us becoming aware of something, or someone, that brings up in us feelings of desire. These feelings become a preoccupation that will not leave us until we take steps to acquire what we desire.  Having got what we wanted the feeling comes to an end and we enjoy the fulfilment of our desire.  For some this is replaced by a desire to keep what we have and a fear that we may lose it.
 
Useful Jealousy
Unlike envy, which is rarely helpful, jealousy can be a useful signpost to what is important to us.  Our friends and acquaintances may all have cars and houses but only certain ones will cause us to feel jealous of their owner; someone tells us about their life and while most of it may have little impact a single aspect causes jealousy to stir within us; someone in a group catches our attention and we feel jealous of whoever they are with.  While the object of our desire may be different for each of us, the feeling of jealous longing is universal. By recognising the unusual intensity of this feeling, jealousy can help us to identify our true desires.
 
Negative Impact of Jealousy
Jealousy points us toward what we want and helps motivate us to do what we need to get it.  However for some us there is no satisfaction in achieving.  Once we have acquired something we simply shift our sights to something else.  That we are never satisfied suggests we were mistaken about the value of what we thought we wanted and the impact that we imagined it would have on us. This form of serial jealousy is more akin to envy as its focus is on the person who has what we desire rather than the thing itself.
 
For some the intense feelings do not end when we have achieved our goal as we then become fearful of losing it.  We guard it carefully remaining watchful for any potential threat. Possessive jealousy means we focus on the act of possession rather than what we possess. This form of jealousy can be linked with shame so that our fear of loss is that it will lead to humiliation.
 
In either case we are not able to fully appreciate the value of what we have either because we are fearful that it will be taken from us or we are focussing on the next object of desire.
 
Appreciating Value
It is possible to separate the value of anything from the feeling that we imagine having it will create in us.  This is the difference between actual value and symbolic value and the true meaning to us is likely to be a mix of the two.  Keeping both in mind will inform our decision to pursue what we desire and avoid disappointment.
 
Our fear of not being able to keep something may have its roots in a belief that we do not really deserve it, or that someone else is more deserving than us. This would seem to set the value of the object as being greater than the value we put upon ourselves.
 
A Controllable Emotion
Jealousy can set in motion a complex mix of feelings that can spur us to action but can also leave us dissatisfied or anxious not to lose what we have.  By reflecting upon the true value of things and recognising the likely feelings that possession will bring we can ensure we are not disappointed.  Developing a strong belief in our own value will counter any fear that we are undeserving and will lose what we have worked so hard to attain.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding

​The desire to possess what others have can be a powerful emotion.  Unsatisfied this causes anger and resentment creating a bitterness that can dominate our lives.
 
Objects of Desire
The advertising industry has mastered the art of making us want things. Envy is about more than this, being concerned as much with the person who has it as the thing itself. Desiring something seen in a shop window or online is not envy until we see someone else with the object of our desire. 
 
Envy is about People
Seeing somebody with something we want starts us thinking if they can have this why can’t we?  Envious desire begins with the person and only then moves to the things they have.  We might want to be like them, or how we imagine them to be, or wish others to feel this way about us.
 
Cultural Objects
Every culture has certain objects that show status and power.  Roles and titles reflect our achievements but there are other things that evidence this.  These include objects like cars, houses, clothes and jewellery.  Aspects of our lifestyle can illustrate our status such as where we go on holiday and how often.  Status can also be reflected in the youth and attractiveness of those around us, our spouse or partner and the people we spend time with.   All could be regarded as external representations of who we think are, wish to be or believe we should be.
 
Shifting Value
Rather than seeing things as having their own value, envy leads us to focus upon the value we believe they bring to us. If something is beautiful what does it say about me that I possess it?  Many of the world’s richest people continue to acquire more as if their desire fuelled by envy can never be satisfied.
 
Finding Fault
If we are unable to fulfil our desire for what others have, we may start to resent them for having it.  If our feelings are strong we might wish to spoil it or take pleasure should it be spoiled in some way.
 
Envy can mean we put someone down because it makes us feel better.  By finding fault we reduce the other’s status so that the gap does not feel so great.  The most critical people may also be the most envious.
 
Disconnection from Self
Envy can be a painful symptom of our disconnection from who we really are. Defining our status and power through external objects may mean we doubt our own inner value.  If we acquire enough external symbols perhaps nobody will see what lies beneath. 
 
This may be the result of some traumatic event or perhaps we never learned to value ourselves as children.  Envy may reflect an early wound that left us feeling we are not enough and need to become more through associating with what we believe brings value.  This fragile sense of self will remain and perhaps the more we pursue our envious desires the more disconnected we become.
 
Relationships not Things
Envy is about our relationship with others not the things they possess, and this will be dependent upon how we feel about ourselves.  Feeling less than those around us will not be changed by acquiring the things that they have or spoiling them or putting them down. 
 
Overcoming Envy
If our feelings of envy indicate a disconnection from our sense of self, then we need to rebuild that connection and establish a more solid belief in our true value. This begins by acknowledging our envious feelings and recognising how they may be influencing or affecting us.  They can be overcome by appreciating all that we have, identifying what more we might need and developing a sense of sufficiency; learning to accept that we are enough and that having more will not make us more; keeping sight of the true value of people and things rather than focussing on the value we imagine they will bestow upon us.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding

​From an early age we are told about the world we live in by the people that surround us. While this helps us develop our understanding of our immediate environment, we do not always learn how to manage not knowing about the people and things that exist beyond.
 
Inevitable Uncertainty
However we choose to define it, the world is becoming ever more complex.  There was a time when things changed relatively slowly and we stayed within a small and well defined community.  In a global social and political economy our lives are subject to a myriad of influences that are impossible for most of us to fully comprehend much of the time.
 
Sticking with What We Know
We develop trust about the things that we know.  We recognise their qualities, good and bad, and appreciate what is likely to happen in any particular situation.  Our world becomes predictable and we take comfort in this.  Playing safe means we can avoid any risks or challenges but we must always stay with what is familiar to us.
 
Creating Certainty
Doubt can creep in through gaps in our knowledge and experience. We may try to counter uncertainty by working through all of the possible scenarios so everything has been considered and there can be no surprises.  This is hard and exhausting work.
 
Rituals, beliefs and repeated patterns of behaviour can all be used to create a sense of familiarity.  These can become increasingly important when we are faced with an unfamiliar world.  This can lead to obsessions where meaning is lost and only the rituals remain.
 
The Absence of Trust
A healthy child grows up believing their world is safe and they can trust the intentions of those around them.  Where this is shaken, or was never developed, we can see the world as unpredictable and unknowable.  Without basic trust in the good intentions of people we see the world as a dangerous place.  Without trust in a natural order of things we experience the world as chaotic and full of random and frightening events.
 
The Consequences of Uncertainty
It is important we find a way to manage the inevitable uncertainty of the world we inhabit. If we cannot, we may experience very negative consequences. Fear of the unknown can mean we feel anxious much of the time.  Managing anxiety over time can become very stressful.  It may require a high level of vigilance to ensure we are not caught out.  Consistently focussing on disappointment and the absence of hope can lead to low mood and depression.
 
Tolerating the Unknown
Sometimes we have no choice but to traverse uncharted waters.  Encountering new people and situations outside of what we know can be a challenge. We must let go of our need for certainty long enough to allow us time to appreciate and understand what is new.  Rather than trying to align new experiences with our existing knowledge we can expand our thinking to encompass this new information.  For this to happen we have to be able to exist for a time in a place of uncertainty. To do this we need to have a solid core based on real beliefs and values.
 
Embracing Uncertainty
Accepting that we may never know everything, means we can be open to new knowledge and experience.  Rather than expecting our world and its people to always be predictable, perhaps we can learn to trust our own ability to embrace what is new and to make whatever adjustments are necessary without it affecting our core beliefs and sense of self.
 
Know what you know, be curious about what you don’t know, and trust in your ability to manage whatever comes your way.  This will lead to improved resilience, increased confidence and the absence of fear.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding

As children most of us have been told by adults at some time that we have disappointed them.  While this would seem to place the blame firmly on our shoulders, perhaps this feeling has more to do with their expectations, which we may have had no part in creating.
 
Unreasonable Expectations
Disappointment comes when reality does not match our expectations.  It occupies the space between what we expected and what actually happened.  This could be the result of a failure to achieve through insufficient effort or application.  However it might be because the bar was set too high for us ever to be able to reach.  Perhaps we exaggerated our abilities, desire or commitment or underestimated what was needed.
 
The Failure of Hope
When disappointed we are focussing on what we believe might have been. That it did not happen may in fact indicate there was never any possibility that this future might materialise or the odds were much greater than we imagined.  The failure of our hopes for the future can become a belief that our dreams will never be achieved and disappointment itself becomes our only expectation.
 
Responding to Disappointment
It may seem easier to express our anger at not getting what we want, or feel we deserve, than it is to acknowledge the sadness we feel at the loss of the future we imagined for ourselves.   When someone we trust does something we did not expect we can feel crushed by disappointment and blame them for letting us down.  While we remain angry we can avoid having to re-evaluate our expectations for the future.
 
The Curse of Disappointment
If allowed to take hold disappointment can infect everything it touches.  A life that could have been contented cannot be enjoyed if always viewed through the lens of what might have been.  Aspects of our lives that could have brought satisfaction or joy will appear unsatisfactory when compared with unrealistic dreams or comparisons with others whose lives are very different from our own.  This can lead to a permanently depressed mood and darker thoughts as we stop imagining that we can ever be satisfied or even happy.
 
The Door to Resentment
If left unchecked the initial feeling can open the way to a range of allied emotions that can create a mushroom cloud of negativity. This can take us down a path of resentment of those who did not give us what we felt we needed or deserved. This may extend throughout the wider community leaving us feeling bitter, isolated and unloved.
 
Learning from Experience
Disappointment highlights the gap between fantasy and reality. Rather than allowing this feeling to take hold, it can prompt us to explore both ends of the divide to understand how they might be brought closer together.  Accepting what is can help us to have more reasonable expectations of what might be.  By constantly readjusting our expectations against what is possible in any situation, we can narrow this gap so we fall into it less often.
 
Overcoming Disappointment
The way that we measure results affects our perception of where we are and what we have achieved.  Endless comparisons that use external measures of achievement can leave us running to catch up. It is easy to miss what is going on around us while our eyes are always on the horizon.
 
Disappointment is a natural response to an outcome that was less than we expected.  It is also an opportunity to reflect upon how this has come to be and what we can do to better match our hopes and expectations with what might happen.  We can tether our dreams to the life we are living rather than life as we might wish it to be.
 
If we focus on our feelings in the present rather than continually measuring outcomes, we may find ourselves taking pleasure in what is and being less concerned with what might have been.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding

Characters whose feelings are easily understood have been popular throughout our cultural histories from traditional folk tales through to modern television soap operas.  Perhaps their appeal is that for most of us life is not like that.
 
Searching for Certainty
Many traditional stories end with a couple declaring their love and an assumption they will live happily ever after.  As we get older we recognise that far from being an ending this is the beginning of another and perhaps more complex chapter in our lives.
 
We want to know what our leaders believe but lose faith when they change their minds or express doubts about their earlier views.  While they may have lied, it could also be that a complex and possibly evolving situation cannot be reduced to a single sound bite.
 
Many of us feel uncomfortable when faced with uncertainty.  If there is no single obvious option then there is a risk we will make the wrong choice.  Opinions like our feelings can change.  Knowing how we feel about the world and the people in it is not the end of the journey, but a resting place before we start to face a new day.
 
Leaving Simplicity Behind
It is easy to imagine that life was simpler when we were children.  While our world may have been smaller my memory is of struggling to make sense of what was going on around me and trying to understand how I felt about it.
 
Historical tales often suggest they were simpler times. Yet people have been grappling with the complex issues of existence for many thousands of years through philosophy, science and the arts.
 
Rather than feel nostalgia for an imagined time of simplicity, perhaps we can recognise and learn to embrace the continuing complexity of human emotions.
 
Complex not Mixed Messages
We sometimes find ourselves blaming others for our confusion saying that they are giving us mixed messages.  You say you want to help but when I ask you make excuses; you say that you care but when I try to get near you push me away.
 
Emotions can be complicated as feelings are not always clear and change over time.  Just as there are two sides to a coin we may feel more than one emotion at a time even if they seem to contradict one another.  I want you to love me but I do not feel lovable; I want my life to be different but I am scared of making any changes.
 
Complementary not Conflicting
At first glance it may seem these feelings are at odds with one another.  As we look closer we start to see the various elements that are combining to create these feeling in us.  In the same way that primary colours, red, yellow and blue, seem very different from one another, when combined they create subtle variations.  If we can appreciate the various shades that lie beneath the headline colours we may gain a greater insight into the how and why of feelings.
 
Avoiding the Obvious to Embrace Confusion
Seeing beyond the immediate expression of emotion to explore what lies beneath may seem like a difficult journey.  Staying on the surface is limiting and focussing only on certain aspects of what is occurring risks failing to fully understand what is happening.   Anger, love, hate and fear can all exist together and looking at one while ignoring the others is only seeing part of the picture.  Immersing ourselves in the mix of diverse emotions allows us to connect with all that is going on for us and those around us.
 
Ambivalence promotes Choice
It would be simpler if there was only one option to consider. Yet if that were the case then there would be no choice.   When we are able to recognise all that may be happening we can decide what we believe to be most important at any particular time.  We live in a changing world of rich and complex emotions rather than a cartoon.
 
© 2019 Michael Golding